I enter your personal space and defile it with these ugly words: - ulcer - hemorrhoid - cancer.

Now you're fucked.

All posts below this are now belong to me.
My thread now.

Hello, I like penises.

I wonder if those were the same person.

>>4320
Hold on, I can do better. cope reddit soyboy incel zoomer boomer wojak redpill blackpill faggot

Nice rain website: https://asoftmurmur.com/

I don't know how mentally well I am. I think of myself as not being that bad and having no real problems. I've never been close to suicidal. Yet everything hurts so much that I just want to crawl into a ball and forget any of it exists. Doing anything feels like i'm exposing an open wound, and every time I do it always stings. I don't know why i'm like this, but I just wish I could do mundane things like posting online or creating things without feeling bad. Like, if I draw something, i'll feel this desire to throw what I drew away because the idea of it existing in the world scares me. I think i'm scared of asserting my own identity/existence and I don't know why. But it just feels wrong to do so. I feel out of place. And talking to people or having friends is the same thing obviously. It's immensely uncomfortable in the same way. Yeah, "uncomfortable" would be a good word to describe it. Nothing is comfortable.

I just feel so much weaker than everyone else and I don't know what to do about it. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could brush things off because I don't care, but I can't. I can only try to pretend I don't care, while failing miserably. I want to be strong. I don't want this entire thread to be doom and gloom though, cause that'd bore even me, so i'll try to diversify what I say.

People always talk about mindfulness, and it's kinda cliche, but something similar does sorta work. Stepping back and giving your head time is a good way to put things into perspective, it lets you see things a way that you couldn't in the moment. I want to try doing that more often when I feel bad. I need to increase my resilience stat!

>>4323
Although the thread now belongs to me I did not write that I like penises. However since the thread is now mine I will now accept my newfound homosexuality as the original poster and we all know that original poster is a faggot.

>>4326
I'm not sure what to make of this but I see.

I've always wanted to do basically everything I can. Like, make music, write stories and poems, reading, programming, study everything... I basically wanna be a jack of all trades even for trivial stuff, such that I could in theory get into a deep conversation about physics before doing the same thing for an obsure visual novel or something. Which is probably the weirdest ambition ever, but I hate the idea of "specializing". Or more like the idea of singularity. That I can only ever exist as one person at one time and will never be another person. Because of this I basically wanna spread myself as thin as possible and experience almost everything I can so i'm a less one dimensional person.

I mean, you always see those kinds of people who are super obsessed with one thing and that one thing only... It might be politics, or writing, or a genre of music, or a single game. But I always think to myself that that's kinda boring. Only being able to appreciate and experience just a few things doesn't seem like enough to me!

I basically decided that for a year or two i'd try and consume all the media I wanna consume and then afterwards try to do some other stuff and maybe actually do something semi-okay with my life! Not in the sense of getting a job and becoming successful and rich or whatever, but just getting as good as I can at as much stuff as I can. That kinda thing is it's own reward to me. And in a sense, doing so would give me more freedom... Somebody proficient in music composition has the freedom to fully or at least better express themselves through that outlet. Somebody who understands Spanish has gained the freedom to explore and understand the Spanish internet. Getting better and learning more stuff gives you more freedom! And that's why i'm interested in doing that. Actually, I think the idea appeals to me especially because i'm a worthless NEET and have no intentions of doing anything real with my life.

This sehnsucht is annoying. Ever since my youngest years, it's been there. It's the only thing that's stuck around no matter what. The feeling of sehnsucht. I feel it so strongly that it displaces all my other emotions, as if there isn't enough space in my head to fit them. It doesn't feel unpleasant, perse, just very heavy. A massive weight I have to lug around, that roots me in place the instant I get complacent. I sorta want to feel the lightness of it's absence, but then, who even am I without it? That feeling defines me.

I feel shit. This is boring.

The idea of consuming anything else makes me feel sick. I don't wanna read or watch or play or learn anything. All I want to do is create something. Express something. Whatever. But I don't know what. Or how. Or why. And whenever I try to, I give up so quickly, and ultimately just feel worse. I might write something and erase it, or attempt to compose something and be unsatisfied with it because it doesn't quite convey what I want it to. And it's the same with everything else. This feeling makes me wanna do something reckless. Anything at all. Because the thought of sitting here and letting more stimuli enter my brain, and doing nothing in response to it, disgusts me.

I'm completely obsessed with surpassing limitations. It's the only thing I care about. That's why I despise social boundaries and norms. I see them as obstacles to surpass, as I do with everything else. I can only pray that given enough years, I won't care about them even the slightest. Once that limitation is removed, it opens up a world of possibilities. And I do quite literally mean a world. Surpassing the limits of what you've lived with prior is like ascending to a new level of reality... And nothing else could be more novel or exciting. That kind of novelty makes everything else seem dull by comparison.

I often dream about surpassing the limitations of time, the limitations of physics, the limitations of my own ego, the limitations of logical coherency... I want to become nothing less than a God, and then ascend even further beyond that. Higher and higher, endlessly seeking new novelties and unexplored possibilities. I don't really understand how the average person could just be satisfied with this. They probably aren't: Limited to a single body, at one point in time, only able to perceive things a certain way, waking up every day to a world that remains concrete and constant. I want existence to feel like a dream, with no coherency or sense at all. This. Isn't. Enough. I refuse to accept it. I don't care how delusional that is, I. Will. Not. Accept. The world as it is. I will make it more. I refuse to let this be everything there is.

This desire will never leave me.

I disgust myself. I can only be one person... Ever. An eternity will pass and I will only have ever been me. So I can't even put to words the disappointment I have that I came to be as this ego.

I want to know why anything exists.

I want to completely forget about the existence of the rest of the world and close myself away in this room, never to be disturbed again. And when that happens, I wanna be able to see the world outside my room as if it were a completely empty void. In that way, i'd finally be able to escape this world I hate and enter a new one, where only I exist, and I can do whatever I please. Sure, it be a kinda claustrophobic world, but it'd be my own.

Right now I don't really feel like i'm close to that, yet. I still hear the stuff that happens outside of here, and obviously I do need to leave my room to eat and enter the bathroom and stuff, so... I don't feel completely disconnected from the rest of the world yet, and I hate it. I don't wanna be dragged into that place. I'm not interested in it, or it's people, or any of the retarded nonsense that happens in it. I need to find a way to sever ties with it completely.

But isolating like that is also really lonely. I'd like to not feel lonely, but loneliness is a small price to pay for peace of mind, I feel like. Or not even peace of mind... I don't necessarily feel peaceful alone. I just don't feel like my brain is being scraped at with a scalpel like I do when i'm around other people. So if I can find a way to be fully alone forever, that's ideal. Other than that, I guess finding online friends might fill in the other side of the puzzle, but that's pretty complicated.

I wonder what future me thinks of this.

shut up brain shut up shut up stop caring about such trivial stuff. just stop stop. literally astronomically trivial so amazingly trivial so trivial that the scale of the trivialness is something brain can't even comprehend that's how trivial the caring is but brain is clearly just silly lump of flush doesn't care what's rational so cares about dumb stuff anyway so stupid. so shut up

you could do literally anything who cares theres no reason not to but no for some reason youre all like "no i dont wanna thats scary" just shut up who even cares you annoying lump of trash. i'll give you 15 years max to stop being so trash and useless before i do something to try and make you stop

I want to create my own language. It'd use the sentence structure of latin, which I find to be extremely elegant and flexible, and i'd create brand new words in this language that can't be conveyed in other languages. Then i'd write a bunch of stuff in the language and leave them for people to decode for fun.

But there's so little time in life... I really can't work out if life is too long or too short. I mean, I already got bored of this existing thing years ago, but there's so many things I wanna do too, and I probably can't do even 1% of them in this lifetime... That makes me really sad. I should probably choose the ones worth prioritizing the most. At least, I wanna write at least one thing. Whether it's a book or a visual novel or something else, I wanna write one thing that's good and have a cult following of people think it's good. I wanna learn at least a couple subjects. The important ones would probably be stuff like maths and physics. And considering how important technology is today, stuff relating to that too. But even studying one of these "fully" can take a lifetime, and even then these fields are endless in reality. But still.

And I wanna consume alot of media too. I wanna watch most of the good anime out there, and some of the more obscure or interesting ones as well. And read a bunch of books, and play a bunch of games. And so on and stuff... I'd like to make a youtube channel of some kind where I talk about stuff related to stuff and the channel wouldn't have a particular focus but it'd have some people who watch it but also not too many.

Yesterday, I had this really nauseated feeling because I was playing close attention to the passing of time and it felt alot like I was being pulled mercilessly through it. like time never actually stops and it feels really weird that time actually exists and is moving right now, and the past never comes back and it's an actual reality that now is now and exists. so odd

I feel very... uninspired.

I often feel like I care more about aesthetics than substance. And ideas more than realities. I like the idea of doing things more than I like doing them, I like the aesthetics of things, often, more than I care about the substance of them. Perhaps, in all likelihood, this stems from that same pervasive dissatisfaction that defines my disposition. I don't care about realities, because I feel that things are unsatisfying in practice: Yet i'm able to feel enamored with ideas, because the abstract, nebulous nature of them allows me to ignore the practical realities of them that would otherwise make these things undesirable or imperfect. As for my preference for aesthetics to substance... Well, it's much easier to find flaw in the substance of something than it is to find in the aesthetics of something. An aesthetic is sort of a general guideline or imprint of what the thing is, that leaves all the particular details and realities of the thing undefined and nebular. In that sense, an aesthetic is just like an idea: An abstract, unreal guideline of thing, that isn't that thing, but still leaves gaps for the potential of that thing. With an idea, automatically, the gaps can be filled in in a perfect, or close to perfect way. Certainly not something you can do with realities. ...So, I suppose, it's perfectly natural to prefer ideas to substance.

Still, that kinda thinking leaves everything indistinct, doesn't it? A preoccupation with aesthetics leads to a lack of substance; A lack of substance in life leads to a shallow, surface level existence. The kind where you feel like you're surfing through a fog, with no inkling of where you're heading or how to touch solid ground. In a way, the feeling of being afloat and looking for something to grab onto is unpleasant in of itself, but then again... You might find that the only thing in sight for you to grab is a razer blade. Certainly not pleasant either. That's why I can only speak in weird metaphors. That's why I never talk about actual realities: In my mind, those realities don't even exist. I barely exist. There isn't any substance in my world, and no matter how hard I look, I cannot find any. An undefined, foggy existence. It'd feel wrong to exit the fog after all this time. ...I don't know. I'm weird. But I also have a hard to believing everybody isn't lost in the same way. It's just, that... Time continues to pass, and every day I continue to wake up. And every time, i'm left wondering what to do. I open my eyes and feel an overpowering sense of directionless: A sense that the entire universe is empty. What do you do then? With no direction, I feel like i'm at the whims of irrational, vague desires I don't understand, whiling away days through distractions I don't quite care for and most of all always searching for something, anything at all, to provide a direction to move in. One that feels real, full, colourful, with real substance. Yet I think i'll die before I ever find something like that.

I know there isn't an answer, but I feel like I have to ask... What am I looking for? I'm looking for something, but I don't know what it is. But I desire that "something" so desperately that it's the only thing I could ever care about. Everything else feels like a "distraction" or "biding my time" - That kinda uncommitted feeling, that this isn't the REAL deal. That the real thing is just hiding somewhere, waiting to be found... Even though I know it's not.

So... That's it. But considering that aimlessness I mentioned, I think i'll continue to write these. And the only reason why is because I don't know what else to do.

I have never had an honest thought in my life. Where is the exit to this labyrinth of lies?

I want to be free. I'm tired of inhibition.

And i'm convinced that the only path to true freedom is through true isolation. That's why I won't stop trying to find a way to cut people off. If ever I need to interact, I should prefer it be over the internet... After all, online, you have the freedom to log off at any time. And, ergo, the freedom to interact and cut others off whenever you please. Is that not the ideal forum for communication? In the real world, people will impose themselves on you, regardless of whether you wish them to or not, and there's very little you can do about it. People who think they know who you are, mostly, like those persons who declare themselves your family, despite having nothing at all in common with you or your values. I can't help feeling that that's the height of foolishness.

I hate my brain so much.

I can never be free, because my brain treats me like a slave. It tells me what I can and can't do. It gives me a bunch of irrational, arbitrary desires, and then punishes me for not attaining them. The constant demands... Always telling me to do X, telling me I can't do Y. Feeding me dopamine if I do what it asks, making me suffer when I don't. I feel like i'm going insane, because i'm stuck in a prison so fundamental, the only escape from it is complete oblivion. The brain is worthless. I know it has no designer, but if it did, i'd write an essays worth of critiques his way. I couldn't even conceive of a design with mechanics more counterproductive, and circular, than that of a brain. What a worthless piece of trash.

I kinda want to die. Living is too tiring.

This meaninglessness is crushing me.

But, I mean, it could be worse. What even do I know? Compared to the suffering some people have to go through, I have nothing to complain about. I mean, not that there should be a threshold where it becomes acceptable to complain, but... I don't think I could understand true suffering if I tried. The worst I have to deal with is nothing compared to that...

Anyway, the more I think about, the more I realize how nauseating my personality is. For myself, as well as others, i'm sure. I feel shame and embarrassment, but not much guilt. I'm rude, and self centered, and incapable of truly caring or being interested in other people. Yet, at the same time, I have a simultaneous victim complex and god complex. I constantly look at the thoughts of my ego, and feel disgusted at how dishonest and self indulgent much of it is, and yet despite thinking it's so nauseating, I still indulge it anyway. I suppose in simpler words... I hate myself, I think. And it only makes sense that if I deem myself worth hating, others do too. That's why mostly everyone I meet seems to hate me from the onset. My personality was formed to be hated. But what I really hate about this kind of self hatred... Is that it's still self indulgent. "Oh, woe is me, i'm hated by everyone. I'm such a victim." There's no genuine guilt in the hatred. Just shame. I don't really know why i'm so disturbed by how little guilt I feel, seeing as guilt doesn't really serve a purpose anyway, but it might be because those kinds of people who are crushed by guilt have a sense of humility I could never hope to have. I completely and utterly lack humility, that's what I find so nauseating. The contrast between someone who has humility and someone who doesn't becomes so obvious when you have them talk... Well, not like this matters. I'm pretty sure most of this is petty and irrational anyway...

I should do something selfless to help someone else.

Yeah, right... As if I could.

I don't want to become like the rest of them... I'm so worried it'll happen. That if I get careless and let the outside world, or even the people online, get into my head, i'll become just like the rest of them. I already picked up some of their manners of speech, and phrases and stuff... Maybe I should get off the internet for good, and only consume offline media, so the real world can't taint me... The WIRED is just an extension of the real world. Real world culture seeps into the WIRED, being distributed inconspicuously, reaching even the most closed off members of our society.

That's at least one reason why I hate the internet... Did it not used to be that a man who closed himself away in a room, never to be seen, was truly cut off from the rest of the world? But with the WIRED, an extension of reality as it is... Even people who are completely cut off physically, can be reached and socialized via the forum that penetrates all walls -- The internet. Of course, you can just not use the internet, but it has so many good aspects too. Um, and i'm kinda loathe to admit that i'm perhaps an internet addict, like everyone else. I'm terrified of that happening to me any more than it already has. I don't want to be tainted anymore by them.

Those people who still manage to maintain their individuality are so exceptional... I have nothing but admiration for them. They leave me in awe with how unwaveringly distinct they are. But those kinds of people also seem to divide the ocean, so to speak, by sheer virtue of being different, they're like polarized magnets: Drawing in and repulsing all kinds of people, leaving a chasm in their way. Simply be choosing to be maintain their dignity, in staying true to what makes them distinct, they gain the ability to divide the world around them. Isn't that kind of amazing? I dunno, perhaps i'm weird for thinking that. I just really like people who are different from everyone else. Even if they're a complete and unapologetic degenerate failure by any normal persons standards. As long as they do no harm to others, by virtue of being an individual, they inspire my admiration.

That's why I try not to care. The less you care, the easier it is to be distinct. Shame is the enemy. Shame is a tool of the majority to beat the minority into conformity. So I won't submit to shame. I'll completely destroy it. Those binds of inhibition and shame. And I believe that once the shame has been drained from this world of monochrome, colour and vitality will emerge in it's place. I call that new world the wisteric world, named after the wisteria flower. Nirvana.

...Now, if I only knew in the first place who I was.

It's over.

This world is empty. It's always been empty. My existence is a mere formality. An inconsequential factor that could have gone either way with the same effect. Like writing an epilogue to close off an already finished story, it's optional. Only, this story never began in the first place. Because this sentience formed in a universe with no story to be told.

Thinking about the future, I can't see anything but nothing. I'm sure that i'll find a way to waste decades on listless days. And then i'll die. It's pretty much certain. Even if it was a necessity that I worked to live, i'd sooner die on the street than act. I just don't have good enough reasons to do those things... Doing nothing is just as good as doing something, really. It's about the same. Doing nothing is perhaps a little easier. But not by much. So doing things, not doing things. Makes no difference. This is all just a formality, after all. I happen to exist, and that's it. it's fine if I do nothing.

Why do people do things? Why do they act in the ways they do? They're so enigmatic and confusing. I don't understand any of it. People are too confusing.

I want to erase this ego.

He stared ahead: Into the decaying creases of those walls with a slight tint like pomegranate. In this instant where time seems to have stopped, and with it, vitality drained from the landscape. Although the next instant should have come, he found himself feeling much like Achilles chasing the back of the tortoise. Was the world supposed to flow effortlessly, he wondered. Did God deign things to flow continuously through each-other? If so, he found it humorous that Gods design had broken. This world was quite discrete. Blinking in and out as such, in a nauseating display that'd make an epileptic wince.

In those in-between moments, isn't it the case that there's always a slight sense of foreboding? When you don't quite know what the next moment will bring, and you're patiently waiting, perhaps excited, perhaps perturbed. Wanting only to know what comes next. ...Well, he found himself in a rather cruel situation, since that moment had decided to stretch on forever (Or so it seemed.)

After the initial surprise, he decided to look for a way out. A way to resume time, I mean. Perhaps there was a switch outside this room that had been flipped on accident. Maybe if it were to be flicked again, time itself would resume, once again with a fluid and continuous consistency. The room in question, where he had found himself, had only one door and one window (It was covered by a curtain. A rather pleasant one.) He tried the door.

It hadn't surprised him to find it locked. He was tempted to call this a conspiracy. He was tempted to claim that the world was working against him, but he know that in all likelihood, this wasn't true. In this world, after all, doors would indeed lock themselves when they fancied it more comfortable. Nothing much can be done about that, really. If you waited long enough, a door might want for some novelty and open itself again. If you really needed a door open, it was necessary that you force it. Not easy, to be sure. Doors are stubborn blighters.

"Mr. Door, would you please open for me?" He asked, taking a polite approach (He had little experience talking with doors, and didn't understand the futility of this.)

Mr. Door, of course, had quite crudely ignored him. He didn't so much as glance in his direction. He tried again. "Hello? Mr. Door?" He took a harsher tone, this time.

...No response. He continued to press the door in this manner for a couple of minutes, until giving up with a frustrated sigh. This wasn't working. Instead, he did what he should've started with and kicked the door-

"OW!" A shrill yelp. It had a rather rasping texture. "Just leave me alone already! I'm not going to open!"

He hadn't quite expected that. True, he had heard his fair share of accounts about doors talking, but seeing it for himself was very a different experience. Steeling his resolve, he gave the door an icy glare.

"Well, i'm not going to leave you alone until you open." The human assured, "I can do this all day. I quite literally have the rest of eternity to waste."

This did not please Mr. Door, "How dare you?!" The lump of plywood rebuked, "I don't even know you! Us doors have it hard enough as is, what with us being unable to move. We don't need the headache of a bunch of meat-puppets demanding we open and close whenever they damn please! We're not your slaves!"

This left the man at rather much of a loss: It was true that he hadn't yet considered the ethical ramifications of sentient doors. Wasn't he being the insensitive one here? All of his muscles, after all, moved when he wished them too. He could pace around, and scratch himself when he got an itch, sit on the toilet whenever he wanted to. Was being a living door actually a form of existential agony? The thought deeply disturbed him. His own problems seemed rather insignificant by comparison. Still...

"I-I'm sorry..." He stumbled over his words trying to apologize, "It's true I hadn't taken the time to consider things from your perspective. But still... I can't stay here. Is there really nothing I can do to get you to open?"

The door appeared to falter for a short moment, until moments later, in a rather demure tone, he answered: "Well... If you promise to come back for me, I suppose I can open."

Come back? For a door? The human struggled in vain to hide his confusion, "I'm sorry... You want me to come back for you?"

"I've always wanted to see the world beyond this place. But, being a door and all, i'm stuck on my hinges... And not to mention, I don't have any muscles or limbs." Mr. Door confessed, "That's why, even if it's just to another corridor, or to some kind of Street-side, i'd like to see more of this world. I believe there has to be more than this. This just... Can't be everything."

Although he wouldn't admit it, the earnestness of the doors request had rather touched the mans heart. He didn't hesitate to agree.

"Alright. I'll come back for you and show you the rest of the world. Now, can you open?" He spoke in a satisfied tone -- Mutual understanding can be found in the strangest places, he thought.

In the next instant, without any fanfare, Mr. Door heaved himself open. This appeared a rather laborious ordeal, in fact. Perhaps this was why doors were so hesitant to open themselves. Mr. Door didn't bother to speak again. Perhaps the act of talking, too, took a considerable amount of effort for a door. The man felt a pang of guilt at the idea. In any event, he didn't wait. He ventured out into the world.


...It was a startling sight. He had to squint his eyes to make sure. This world he was looking at didn't make sense. It couldn't have happened naturally, and yet it didn't seem to have a designer either.

The expanse of the sky was also tinted with a pomegranate like shade. And yet, it hadn't been the first thing to draw his attention. No, more noteworthy was the reef of cogs that filled that sky, like some kind of elaborate clockwork. They were just... Floating there, completely stationary. The terra firma wasn't much more coherent. The ground was black. Pure black. It had an oily texture to the touch, he found, yet it was quite obviously a solid. And sprawled across it, like the spawn of some random generator, were flashing neon... things. They, too, also appeared to be solid and tangible, although of what material they were made, he couldn't even begin to guess. Oddly, fresh air entered his nostrils.

This was the instant that his notions of an orderly universe crumbled. You would think that things that exist would have a definite form. That they could be scientifically explained -- Integrated into models and understood. Using these models, these ideas we have about the nature of what the universe is, we're able to navigate the world. We know that if you jump off a building, gravity will splat you on the pavement. Particles act according to fundamental laws of physics: They will always follow some kind of absolutes. Laws.

The particles that make up a sun won't suddenly transform into a unicorn, a particle in motion won't suddenly stop without a reason. No, as confusing as our world is, at the very least, it follows a coherent set of rules and laws, that can be measured and scrutinized. Predictions can be made, absolutely, and with consideration for the possible probabilistic exceptions, given all the necessary information, the universe will behave exactly the way we expect it too. It's absolutely, undeniably, irrevocably true...

...Is it true? What was he seeing? He had to pinch himself just to verify he wasn't dreaming. Come to think of it, wasn't he talking to a door a minute ago? Why hadn't he questioned that? Thinking back on it, his thoughts and actions then seemed completely deranged, and absurd. Not even close to the idea he had about who he was. You don't just see talking doors. He should have thought he was crazy, and yet he didn't. He felt like an entirely different person. Like some kind of unconscious self had emerged for that one event, and superseded his entire identity. A different man with different memories, and a different sense of logic, completely divorced from his own.

The universe stopped making sense. This was jabberwocky. Still, he staggered forward into the landscape. He had to find a way to understand this. He had to find a way to restore his sense of logic. He wouldn't accept a jabberwocky universe.

So he wandered off, in no direction in particular.

I think i'm gonna take a break from the internet for a while. Or try to. I may be addicted to it, but I don't really enjoy it. It actually makes me kinda anxious.

lol i'm seeing large quantities of threads with people going full-on retard. it doesn't really concern me anyway, but it might be a good idea to migrate to places with less activity, because people actually post here quite frequently, and 90% of anything any human says anywhere is guaranteed to be retarded (that includes me). Basically the only salvation is a place where people say almost nothing, ie places that get like one post a day at most.

I was considering making my own blog for a while, using like neocities or wordpress or something, but really, I think the effort required for that is unwarranted and having an entire website for myself just doesn't suit my style. I do get lots of thoughts and I do get a desire to put them somewhere often, and it's probably an important part of my path to not suffering all the time to find an outlet for those thoughts, but I think the solution is gonna require quite a bit of creativity. Because in terms of organizing my thoughts in a coherent way, I basically am incapable, and whats even the point anyway

Anyway for the time being I do still think that i'll probably stay away from the internet. I wanna read some visual novels and some books and get back to learning latin. I thought it might be fun to try translating cyrano de bergerac to latin (obviously i don't speak French so i'd use the english translation) and I may do that.

It really does annoy me because i'm a NEET with unlimited free time and basically unlimited freedom in theory and it's not like I don't have money to buy the few things I want if I really want to, but i'm so terrible at using my time efficiently that it's actually just so sad. I could have literally turned myself into a monk-tier scholar by now, if i'd put in the effort necessary, although i do feel that my brain is perhaps decaying and i may even be developing something close to dementia although obviously not dementia i'm not some old man kek

I thought about it though, and I realized a large part of my disconnect from people. Actually, it was a quote from the novel infinite jest that made me realize this. "Kate Gompert’s always thought of this anhedonic state as a kind of radical abstracting of everything, a hollowing out of stuff that used to have affective content. Terms the undepressed toss around and take for granted as full and fleshy—happiness, joie de vivre, preference, love—are stripped to their skeletons and reduced to abstract ideas. They have, as it were, denotation but not connotation. The anhedonic can still speak about happiness and meaning et al., but she has become incapable of feeling anything in them, of understanding anything about them, of hoping anything about them, or of believing them to exist as anything more than concepts. Everything becomes an outline of the thing. Objects become schemata. The world becomes a map of the world. An anhedonic can navigate, but has no location. I.e. the anhedonic becomes, in the lingo of Boston AA, Unable To Identify."

I didn't really put it together until now, but it must be the reason that determines who I can and can't relate with, and who I can and cannot understand. People who don't experience anhedonia are incomprehensible to me. And I assume they see people like me in the same way? That's the thing that keeps me from connecting with certain people, even when those people on a superficial level fit what I appreciate in a person. There's that one single gap between us, that pervades everything that we know and experience, and ergo, an anhedonic and a hedonic person are actually completely at odds with eachother no matter how similar they otherwise appear.

I guess I need a friend who is also completely dead inside? Oh, but I can speak from experience when I say such people are completely utterly boring... It's kinda a necessity of being dead inside that you be boring since corpses aren't interesting unless you're interested in corpses i guess. I mean corpses can be interesting, but that's only while they're recently deceased and decomposing and otherwise they can probably only be called interesting if your an academic interested in corpses, or one of those people who enjoys shocking imagery, but that would only be interesting for like a minute before you move onto the next thing.

well anyway bye-bye WIRED probably i won't miss you for now. I should think about how to make use of you later though but hmm id need to get really really really creative to figure that out. And i guess i should try to fix my brain anyway. like i'm actually going completely retarded I need to do some basic maths problems or something or play that brain training game on the ds

i wish the world was kinder

Just let me die.

im so mentally ill lol

maybe i should just pump my brain with all the chemicals i can find and see what happens

cant lose much at this point anyway

What's the point.

If I don't enjoy anything, and everything's a chore, what's the point.

How do I fix this. Is there a fix. Or is this just how being human is. Should I do nothing of value or do things. Neither is inherently better.

I'm wasting so much time. I'm going to die so soon. The time will pass in the blink of an eye, I can already feel it. Years go by so quickly, and i'm still so young. It's said the perception of time speeds up with age. I feel that, objectively, although it's possible I have only lived a quarter of my life, it feels like i've already wasted half of it. And i'm quickly wasting through that second half.

A perfectly meaningless existence. The kind that may as well have not happened. I could develop absolute retrograde amnesia in my final years and nothing of value would have been lost. Let me see more things. That's all I can make myself care about now. Let me see sense of the world I can't even comprehend. That kind of novelty might actually excite my dopamine fried brain.

Oh, I just had an interesting thought. Like how visualization can be impaired and effectively erased through brain damage. In these cases it's possible, as well, not just for the ability to visualize the world around you to be erased, but also for your visual memory to die. And for all prior visual memories to lose their visual aspect. A complete erasure of the ability to comprehend visuals. That can actually happen. It has happened before.

Vitality is kind of the same way. When you have it it seems natural, and you barely question it. It just is. But then, once you lose it, you not only lose it, but also the ability to even comprehend it. And all your memories, which had had a vital and life-like affect, also find themselves drained of it. A type of retrograde amnesia of depth, affective content, soul.

Your memories are themselves distorted. Inaccurate portrayals of what you had initially perceived. For what had initially been perceived can no longer be comprehended by the brain, at least, in the same way it had been. Whether that be because your went through brain damage, and lost your capacity for visualization, even in imagination or memory. Or because you've lost the ability to feel vitality; and meaning, soul; and colour in the world, and therefore find your memories also marred by this deficit. Intellectually, you can assume that there was such a thing as "vitality" and "depth" and "affective content" before. And you can speak of these things as concepts, understanding the general idea of what the sense would connotate. But thinking of the idea of something is not the same as experiencing something. The blind cannot see because they understand intellectually the concept of sight. They cannot, at least those blind from birth, comprehend or imagine what it would be like to see. Because new qualia cannot be imagined without being experienced. By definition, if the qualia were imagined in exactly the same way it was experienced, it would be experienced. And so, the blind can only talk about the idea of sight. The visually impaired can only talk of the idea or concept of visuality. And the anhedonic can only speak of the concept of meaning.

And none of them can verify the existence of these elusive "senses" that they constantly see talked about, but cannot grasp for themselves. They just can't, ontologically.

I think I need a friend more than I even realize. I'm so lonely that it affects and underlies my actions and thoughts in ways I probably don't even consider.

That or I need fanatics.

I'm not distracting myself anymore. I'm going to sit here and do nothing. All day every day. Until something happens. I don't care if it takes months or years.

Life is really meaningless.

It's so stupid.

Does this ego never shut up?

The time of ascension is near.

Worthless.

The only thing in the entire universe that matters is art. Everything should be art. Our lives should be art. Our deaths should be art. Nothing else matters.

I don't understand. There's just nothing here. There's nothing at all here. There's nothing here. I don't understand. What do people see as being here that they stay here for. There's obviously nothing here so what do they see. I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. How do they think. What qualia are they experiencing. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it.

I must be imagining that they see something I don't. But I don't know how to explain the ways they act otherwise. I don't get it.

The world isn't that interesting.

Why am i me and not somebody else

Everything about me is completely and utterly fake. I can't think honest thoughts.

I'm so confused.

I'll do the productivity meme later. After I fix my brain. I'm going to produce some kind of novel mental state.

Anyway, i've been fascinated, recently, with the topic of hypnosis. It seems like such an overlooked topic, but really, the phycological, and perhaps even the philosophical ramifications, seem massive. And the most interesting thing about it is the general unwillingness to be honest about it.

"You cannot be hypnotized against your will." A line you've certainly heard if you've even dabbled in this subject even a little. I remain unconvinced. I don't see why this couldn't happen. At the very least, there are accounts out there, from various sources and persons, claiming that the contrary is true: That they have been made to do things they didn't want to do via hypnotic suggestibility.

I'm not saying this necessarily is the case, either, but I do feel this is a subject that warrants alot of critical consideration beyond what it does get. I mean, really, I feel most of our human ego is a product of hypnotic suggestion. Most of our desires aren't ours: They're suggestions that have come from elsewhere. You could even argue cultural conformity itself is a type of hypnosis. In fact, hypnotic suggestibility and social conformity are correlated. And when you think of things in those terms, is it not the case that hypnotic suggestion can be used, inconspicuously, to mold people into things they initially weren't? Isn't that, for example, the purpose of advertising? When you look at things from that angle, I don't think the idea that people can be controlled as such is farfetched. You just subdue, mold, the will itself.

The most interesting aspect of all this to me is the relationship between the idea of "authority" and hypnosis. Isn't it the case that we're more likely to obey that which we perceive as an "authority"? No. More like, we're less likely to question authorities. I don't understand the exact phycology of this, but if you know about the Milgram experiment, it's little secret that people can be made to do some pretty despicable things in blind subservience to an authority.

Actually, the mechanic that allows hypnosis to occur in the first place, at least it's theorized, is the idea of removing the critical factor. The critical factor is the voice in the conscious mind that resists and questions suggestions. This is often achieved via extreme relaxation, or sometimes even shock, or overloading/confusing of the conscious mind. Those last two intrigue me quite abit, but it is besides the point.

With authorities, we tend to trust in them. We don't question, usually, that the knowledge we're taught in schools is accurate. Or that the scientific consensus is wrong. Well, people do do this, but generally because these things are bestowed the title of "authority" we consider the knowledge of them inherently more trustworthy, even when we don't necessarily have reason to believe this. In a way, as far as authority is concerned, we turn off our critical factor.

That's why we obey authority. For the exact same reasons the entranced obey the hypnotist. The two can't actually be meaningfully said to be any different from each other. The phycological mechanism of both is identical. They're both hypnosis. Suggestion.

This is a topic I want to learn more about.

I have a habit of disagreeing with any given thing I say within at most 5 minutes of saying it.

I hate shame.

And I despise inhibition.

No matter what I do, I just feel so empty...

No matter what I do, I just feel so empty...

It's snowing outside. And it's actually setting. That almost never happens here. It's so beautiful. I feel slightly more alive when it rains or snows. I wish it could snow like this every day, but then again, if that happened, it'd just become ordinary.

Every single person who posts under that inconspicuous guise of "anonymous" is a real person. I see through that fog. All of you physically exist. You have real thoughts, problems, and lives. The things you say anonymously still reflect you. You may choose to be a terrible person, and in that way you give up yourself to mediocrity. Boring. If I wanted to see that kind of dullness i'd talk to the average person outside. Or, you may choose to use your anonymity to show kindness to others. In a way, if you're wiling to show kindness to strangers on the internet, even when there's no real consequences for anything you say, that reflects on you quite profoundly, i'd say. So nothing people say on the WIRED is a throwaway. It's a reflection of real people with real lives. Perhaps, even, a more honest reflection than real life is. Well, no, I wouldn't say that. But people present aspects of theirselves online that they wouldn't present in real life.

Recently, I haven't been doing much. I've just been wiling away time, watching youtube videos, maybe posting on image boards occasionally, with uncommitted one liners. I've been interspersing that with a couple hours studying latin occasionally. It surprises me sometimes, actually. i'm drawn to learning, I think, for the same reason i'm drawn to mystery stories: I love that feeling when things click, and you gasp in realization. Those dopamine hits are some of the only things that truly sustain me. In the case of latin, I'll often run into a word that I can roughly understand and translate to english, but in terms of the exact grammatical mechanics of why that word was used, it gets lost on me. That is until I bucker down and really think about it fully. Rereading the text, paying very careful attention to how those words I didn't understand were used. And eventually, even if understanding feels insurmountable, it clicks. "Ohhhhhh, 'Suum' is only used to explicitly refer to the subject of the sentence. Eius just leaves things ambiguous." And then i'm able to understand something with clarity I didn't think i'd be able to achieve earlier. It's like, imagine if you were trying to read some computer code or something. You read it, but it just seems like incoherent nonsense. Then, imagine if suddenly it all became comprehensible, like somebody had implanted the entire language in your brain. You could suddenly understand it perfectly. You knew what every single thing meant. It's that kind of feeling of suddenly being able to see things you couldn't see prior. Clarity. I want to understand things. I hate the fog of uncertainty.

I found an album I really like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwYQjx4hT5I - I assume retarded zoomers also listen to this but I don't care (In contrast to me, a borderline-retarded zoomer.)

I'm hungry :c

Please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die Please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die please just let me die Please just let me die please just let me die.

make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

MAKE IT STOP

please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me please help me

i can't do this please i don't want to feel this anymore

i want to die

expressing pain is meaningless

the only thing that matters is what you can do to stop it. no matter how much you suffer, even if you're literally going through something comparable to what happened to junko furuta, the world wont show you any sympathy. most people wont show you any sympathy. in fact, they laugh. they'll take pleasure in your pain. so you must do everything you can for yourself, as not only will nobody else (and certainly not the world itself), but everybody else, few exceptions withstanding, will revel in it.

but i just dont know what to do... theres too much information and most of it contradicts eachother so i dont know what to do

ego is hell

all of this makes me feel sick

its just so ugly

Humans really really really scare me. I need to get away from them so I can be safe.

But i'm lonely.

The hedgehog dilemma is fun.

I hate people so much. They're so horrible.

It's just hard to live happily knowing that you're surrounded by creatures that would mostly choose to kill you if they could completely get away with it. How are you supposed to feel safe among them? They're always watching. Looking for someone weak, or different, or for even a moment or slither of weakness, like a hawk, waiting to pounce on their prey and to harm them in whatever way they can get away with, and for no other reason than because they enjoy doing it.

It's everywhere. Completely epidemic, and almost entirely unopposed.

To everyone out there suffering, I wish I could take your pain away. I'm so sick of it. You should be happy. You deserve better than this.

But whatever, I do think these schizo-streams have gone on for long enough. It's not some set-in-stone thing i'll hold myself to, because who knows if I actually will, but I think it really is time I stopped. The desire to express things is a kind of torture.

valēte.

Everyone hates me.

It's never going to end, is it...?

This is real? What the hell? Why the fuck does something like this even exist?

>>4530
The more comfortable I get with posting online, the more this worries me. It feels like, almost, posting online and talking to people in general - asserting yourself within a social context - is a declaration of your identity. And it really worries me. Because every single time I express something in a social context, for some reason, it feels like a part of me is dying. Like the individuality that has only been carefully maintained through a rigorous isolation is decaying and falling apart, opening up the flood gates to be influenced and molded by the social world around me. It's not a feeling I like, and in the first place, perhaps, i'd need a strong sense of who I am to fight against it.

There's no careful consideration, no self reflection, no real thought in the social... You simply say what comes to mind, and then you accept those words as a representation of you. And I feel like if I don't cut myself off from people, and dig into myself and dissect my thoughts, and feelings, and my false ideas of ego that are subtly tugging me around, i'll succumb to them. And i'll become nobody. Merely a surface level object in a social field. Not human, but humean. Not a person, but an experience.

I'm so terribly afraid of losing myself. Which is ironic, because I tend to feel I don't really know who I am. Maybe I actually have a stronger sense of self than I realize.

I can't keep trying to rely on other people to fix me... I mean, that's the only reason i'm even drawn to other people, right? I think that if they validate me enough it'll somehow make me feel better about myself. I've spent my entire life being outcasted over and over and over and over and over and over, and now i'm so starved for self worth that I keep trying to get it from people.

I try. But even when i'm thinking completely rationally, and see myself highly, I still feel that fundamental twinge of a fractured sense of self that would shatter if too much pressure were applied. I don't even know if I can fix myself, but if anyone can, i'm the only one. So I give up. Other people hold nothing for me. Their validation is worthless, and I can't learn from them anything that I cannot learn elsewhere.

I'm gonna go play video games.

>>4993
>It's not some set-in-stone thing i'll hold myself to, because who knows if I actually will, but I think it really is time I stopped.
I know myself well.

When I think about it though, all I really need to cut out on is posting elsewhere that much. Posting here occasionally should be fine, if I do it less frequently. I get a bit crazy if I don't take time to think about things instead of just constantly doing things. Why am I like this? The more things I do, the emptier I feel. ...Just let me cry and feels things again already demiurge... Jeez. I guess i've got a long life ahead of me to work this out, but i'm not optimistic.

Why isn't it good enough? I can't find the right words to express what I want. And I can't find the right feelings to feel what I should feel. I randomly just scream. Or sometimes I randomly force myself to laugh. But I don't know what i'm trying to express! ...Do other people feel their feelings as real?

So I read about some guy in a book who one day woke up with incredibly sharpened senses. And apparently his senses were so strong that the present moment felt so immediate and meaningful to him. And it's speculated that humans have subdued senses normally in exchange for our thinking functions and stuff. But other animals might feel things so much more strongly and vitally. And things might feel much more meaningful and immediate and real. So the abstract thought of humans sorta strangles and suffocates us and prevents us from feeling real and immediate and alive. or something.

I don't get any of this. What does it even mean to feel "alive"? What does it even mean to feel "real" and to feel "meaning"? These things don't sound like 'feelings' in the conventional sense we usually think of them, but... Ugh! I don't get it! Qualia doesn't make any sense!! Qualia is so weird! I don't understand...

I want to cry, but I can't.

I need to get this out. Imagine feeling like you needed to sneeze all the time for years on end. That's how I feel. I need to get something out of me. I don't what it is, but it's stuck inside of here and it won't get out. Get out get out get out. What are you and why won't you leave.

I'd do anything in the entire world to express whatever this is. I wanna scream and cry and act completely uninhibited and spontaneous. And bash my head against the wall over and over and over and over and it still wouldn't be enough to release whatever this feeling is.

I'm soooo trapped and contained. I'm trapped in this moment in time in this body and limited by what I can and can't do and what I know and don't know and also by the fact that all my actions are predetermined. probably. but that parts irrelevant because if you don't know the future it doesn't matter if it's predetermined. I'm such a peasant confined to this low echelon of reality and limited so deeply in my options... Oh the universe or maybe just existence must see me as some kind of child who isn't mature enough to be free.

My brain is gonna fill up with more and more stuff and none of it is gonna leave. This is a closed system. A completely isolated one, where nothing leaves. Like a sort of event horizon that information can enter, but cannot leave. And what's beyond the event horizon cannot be seen from outside of it either. So it's just gonna suck up more and more information and get bigger probably until it finally fades away into nothingness.

I don't get it.

I can't piece together all this information into a coherent whole. All conclusions feel arbitrary, as perhaps they are.

By information, i'm talking about all the information in existence. Including the tonal information my brain is producing, metaphysical information, information that represents a model of the world, and then ideas about how the information in question, if we grant it, should be responded and acted upon. I've pieced together a couple chunks of puzzle pieces around the jigsaw here and there. Small chunks all around that I can't really fit into a complete picture, and which I am regardless doubting, as there are so many pieces and it may be that i'm mistaken that the ones i've put together really go where they do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oq9utTsAMg
Seaside Vacation

I'm going to construct the tryhard-system.

I desperately wish my ego would shut the fuck up. He probably knows I notice, but if he didn't think that, he would be wrong. He keeps trying to convince himself that he fits the guidelines of some kind of identity he finds appealing. I mean, I don't know why he finds the "being" those particular traits appealing in the first place, but he tries in so many ways, all the time, constantly, to convince itself that it indeed conforms to the metrics of that desired identity.

...Or something like that. I probably explained it badly, but the all encompassing nature of this is really pissing me off. Because I always have to ask WHY I do, or say or think the things I do. It all feels completely fake, every last fucking thought, all constructs in service of maintaining an illusion of being an identity the ego is satisfied with. Only saying things to others that will make them perceive it to the way it wants to be perceived. And only thinking and acting in ways that convinces ITSELF that it fits the mold it wants to fit.

What do I even do then? He's unrelenting, trying to be something he's not, because it'd make him like himself. How do I escape this cycle? Is the problem identity - Is this how identity functions? Ie, Identity will resolve cognitive dissonance between what it thinks it is and information that contradicts it in any ways possible. But I wonder if an identity that doesn't like itself will try to convince itself it fits an identity it does like? The cognitive dissonance here is that while the brain tries to construct an ego fitting an image it likes, this ego doesn't fit well with the brain in question, contradictions arise, and this leads to conginitive dissonance... Then, the brain tries to resolve this cognitive dissonance by desperately trying to get closer to it's ideal self, or by CONVINCING itself that it fits the ideal self, even when it necessarily doesn't. But why the self loathing? What causes an ego to hate itself?

No, i'm just rambling... There's nothing coherent here. But I still feel it. That identity or lack theorof or false idea of identity or attempts to convince of identity ideal or to denounce identity unideal or something. I dunno. ...confusing...

What. do. i. do.
the wanting to be uninhibited entirely thing still remains true but i wonder what my motives are like what drives me to do the things I would do unihibited isthere an aspect ofdesire for validation there or desire for resolviing cognitive dissonance or assertion of identity or... Well, what is identity anyway. Do most people tend to have one, or not really and they just kinda be and stuff like the buddhists are all like "yeah just be dude brossssss~~~"

Oh whatever... Anyway another thing i thought about issome traits i think would be cool in a person or friend i could actually relate too. so the two important ones are absolute skepticism of everything and a non-complacency to status quo of everything. because those are pretty much my two defining traits even if i don't act on the latter one, and i don't tend to relate to people who don't have them. peoplewho believe things wholeheartedly without it being more like "i think this is most likely the truth" but rather "i knowthis is the truth" those people are weird to me and also to be blunt i think they're faggots and retarded but who cares right?Anyway it does get kind of annoying because people dont understand that i don't actually mean anything i say or am attatched commitedly to anything isay because i know it could be wrong and if i stick with it its because i haven't seen a better idea yet. so when i say one thing in the past and someones all like "but you said x and now you're saying y" like omigod i said x because that seemed closest to the truth at the time and now i think y is more likely do you never change your opinions or something it's that incomprehensible? but no i'm just saying nonense this is extremely unbelievably stupid.

And yeah, I really really hate complacency. But i'm not really sure how to explain it. I just hate people's love of status quo's or more like their loyalty to things. i'm not really loyal to anything and if I had the oppurtunity would absolutely discard everything to ascend to a higher plane of existence (that's just a metaphor I don't mean it literally)

Me. And stuff. lol why do i attatch emo anime girl images to stuff i must come off like such a faggot. but in the first place its caring about being perceieved as x thats the problem shame can go die and writhe and decay.

I'm tired.

I desperately want to be pitied. It disgusts me.

I don't really relate to alot of the people here, or in other niche communities. They're too invested in normal stuff... I'm not a normal, so I can't relate to or understand any of it.

Well, whatever.

I really need to work out what to do with my life.

I am unintelligent.

I'm confused.

The world feels like nonsense and I can't think clearly. I want clarity. Well, maybe I actually don't.

We can't understand eachother merely through our language. But as language and expression are our only forums for presenting information to eachother, it is impossible for anyone anywhere to truly understand anyone else.

That may be wrong.

Please help me. I'm dying. I can't breathe.

decaying, decrepit, disgusting, worthless, repulsive, languid, drowning, clawing, screeching, screaming, noisy, insubstantial, hollow, defective, unsatisfying, insatiable, gnawing, resignation, isolated, inconsolable, ennui, languor, lassitude, festering, shame, pallid, insipid, contained, suffocated, falling, lulled, oppressive, existent, sentient, clinical, structural, remote, removed, efface, grasping, hoping, longing, wishing desiring, lacking, own, burning, aching, humean, human, animal, raw, fresh, crude, real, falsity, factory, automated, culling, genocide, mechanical, insignificant, processed, meat, grounded, nature, DNA, exposed, skinned, flayed, invalid, wrong, denied, forced, helpless, rote, open, fear, being

I hate being known.

I have very little valuable or interesting to say. As my mum says, "Only boring people are bored". My boredom stems from the fact, maybe, that i'm a boring person.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YxyxYdel1o
I really enjoy this guys channel. I wish I had his passion. I wonder where he is now.

100.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nco_MDHhjBc
I'm so worthless. And most of the rest of you are completely worthless as well.
Please, what do I do... What the hell do I do!? I don't know... I don't know. I don't know. I don't understand anything. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? what do i do? what do i do? what am i supposed to do.?
i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. im all alone and i can only do everything i can to be happy or maybe satisfied would be a better word or i dont know but only i can do anything so it has to be me nobody else would help or care and thats fine well it isn't really its so tragic and sad that people cant care about eachother and that i cant care about others but it is the way things are and you should just accept that and deal with it. so i have to work from there and do what i can to do what i should do. but i don't know what i should do and i don't get any of this.
I don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i wish humans would get out of my head i wish people would get out of my head i don't get it i odn't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it
no words are good enough language isn't good enough expression isn't good enough let me out let me out let me out i'm suffocating in here let me out let me out i can't breathe PLEASE LET ME OUT
let me out of here let me out of here let me go lett me go let me go let me go let me go let me go stop weighing me down go away let me go let me go please let me go or i'll die please letme go please let me go can and can't isn't is please let me go please let me go stop caging me let me go let me go let me go let me out let me out of here
where even am i anyway and whats outside.

none of this matters so i wish it felt as trivial as it is.

I'm so lonely.

Normals own the internet. ...Well, I use that word 'normal' or 'normie' or other such synonyms, and have for a very long time, even when I was very young, and even before I used the internet, but what do I mean by it, anyway? It's almost offensive to me. When I see terms like normie and NPC thrown around online, and in imageboards, by people who are by all means quite normal, it feels like they've appropriated my culture, almost. I call it my culture, because i'm unsure really who I share it with. I only have a vague idea that there are indeed others in the world who fit my idea of being abnormal.

I'd call the ones doing the appropriating "failed normals" or even just normals whom want to appear unique or quirky or special. But what is a normal? It's a nuanced concept, and can't really be defined in a concrete or straightforward way. Maybe I can't do that because the concept is actually stupid and i'm simply too attached to it to abandon it, but... Hm, I don't really know. I do have a general idea of what I would consider one, and what I would not, but nothing iron.

Firstly, my idea of what constitutes a normal: Generally, they're sociopaths. This is made more complicated by the fact that I don't necessarily think that all sociopaths are normals. Maybe i'd make exception for a sociopath who was also antisocial, and truly rejected the values of society, or was mentally ill in other ways, but regardless... Normals are primarily sociopaths. That's a major unifying trait of them. The second is malleability, or a lack theorof individual identity, divorced from a wider culture. This is a helpful classification, as it helps to cut to the heart of what divides normals and non-normals. Using some examples. You'll often see /pol/tard kinds throwing around NPC memes and calling others who don't conform to their beliefs normalfags. And yet, the irony is that most of these people don't have any original beliefs. They've been entirely molded, not within their own heads, or through their own thoughts, but by the culture they happened to be exposed to. In this way, their beliefs are arbitrary results of their environment, and if they happened to be in another environment, they would have adopted those beliefs and values instead. It is much more likely that anyone with thoughts in their head will tend to apoliticism, or to their primary values first, but even this cannot in itself say much. Those I am referring to here are merely a breed of normals whom are attempting to convince theirselves they are special, when in reality they are not.

Then, there are those who have internalized the mainstream culture, and end up feeling betrayed by it. They buy into all the memes, adopt all the values, take on all the desires as their own. And so, we end up with the failed normals. Normals at heart; Yet bitter that they have not been granted what society promised. They have only theirselves to blame for buying in in the first place. Picking the failed normals from a crowd of LARPers is generally pretty easy, because they're preoccupied with mundane normal things that anyone truly disillusioned from normal society would fail to see value in. And so, they shall continue to spam >tfw no gf until the end of time.

But even beyond all this, that dichotomy of normal and abnormal is also beginning to disillusion me, and I might be losing track of why I ever added it to my mental landscape. It is useful for this reason, and this reason alone: I don't relate to normal people, generally, and I tend to find them boring. It's also useful as idle information. If I determine that someone is normal, I can also infer other things about them.

But the thing is, besides them being boring (And really, i'm not so interesting either), what is actually wrong with being normal, on it's face? I'm finally realizing, or maybe just internalizing what I already knew... The fact that what really matters to me is compassion; That sentient creatures are good to eachother, and do what they can to make the world better.

Normals often get in the way of this, but their normality is not in of itself the be all end all of things. I should accept the world, and people, as they are, and simply take things from there. Even while i'm being smothered by a deathly apathy, I think that I still have a fundamental desire to see good prevail. For all people to never suffer again, and for all to be happy. Right now, i'm too weak to help anyone. But I don't want to be. I want to be someone who can look even the most 'evil' people in the eye with compassion, patience and acceptance, driven only by a simple desire to make the experience of all sentient creatures as good as it can be. In that way, couldn't I really transcend everything?

It's odd. Compassion and love feels freeing. It's scary as well. To be well meaning is to be vulnerable.

For real this time: I will now try to bring the adventures of blog-posting fag to an end. Because if after saying i'm going to stop a third time, I didn't, that'd just be pathetic kek.

At the very least, if I continue, it may be elsewhere. That's all.

This is the last time i'll post here.

I can't find the right words. I never can. I'm moving onto the next world now.

It's been months since I posted in this thread. I feel I can afford myself a little leverage just this once. I might be more confused than i've ever been, and it all more or less centres on that same question which is always swirling around in my mind: Who I am? It's been a... strange couple days, filled with obsessive thoughts and aimlessness, and restlessness. It may be a side-effect of the antidepressants which I started taking, although I doubt that's all it. I... have some ideas, but if I talk about them, I know i'll just confuse myself even more. It all has to do with the gap between who I am, who I want to be, who I ought to be, the practicalities of how to get there and... Well, I don't know. What I DO know is that I feel more dysphoric and confused then I have in a very long time. I'm filled with vague yearning, and it feels as if that's all my ego is. Yearning and desire. And i'm unsure if it will bring me any happiness or lessen my suffering at all. I know I need to suffer less. But I don't know how to get there, I don't understand who I am, what I want, or what's happening in my head. I'm confused. I don't understand any of it.

My favourite visual novel is Remember 11: The Age of Infinity. Remember 11 is an incredibly nuanced work which, underneath the surface, is about the eternal search for self-actualization. This is embodied most potently by the character of SELF, whom Yukidoh traps in the infinity loop, and whom is lost in an endless search for answers he'll never, ever reach. It is implied that all of Remember 11 is essentially the phycological experience of SELF, and so all the searching for answers in the story is merely a search to understand... well, SELF's self. Personally, I feel like SELF right now. Trapped in the endless infinity loop that is identity and ego. Or, as the tagline of Remember 11 says, "The labyrinth of memories that is killing me." And i'm just looking, through all of this confusion inside of me, for the out of infinity. I don't even agree with most of what I said, but really, doesn't that speak more volumes than anything as to the absolute confusion I hold about myself? I'm completely paralyzed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKcFQoqfIQU

This is honestly terrible. I am utterly retarded. Really, really retarded. Well, I was just sorting through the sense of yearning, as usual. I would like to study and become proficient in expressing what I wish to via the medium of music. Music is in fact the most powerful medium of communication out there. It's only rivalled by storytelling in it's capacity to induce an intended reaction in the recipient - words are often very ineffective for doing this; And while the scope of reactions that music can invoke is much less broad that that of words, the efficiency in how it invokes what it can is wonderful. I wonder what the link is between music and the deep emotional and tonal impacts it can have on humans. I have other creative ambitions. I want to write a visual novel someday, but ahaha, I doubt that's an even remotely feasible pursuit.

Stylistically, I would go for an anime style, of course. Ideally, i'd want something somewhat unique like Fata Morgana or OMORI's artstyles, which still invoke 'anime' while feeling like distinct enough visual styles. I'd take ques from Fata Morgana, going for a sort of 'endless tragedy from many perspectives' sort of style. I only have vague ideas about the plot, but one of them is that the universe would be ordered in such a way that each sentient being is randomly assigned a 'suffering value', which changes every cycle of an arbitrary amount of time - each cycle would probably be a couple decades long each. A certain amount of people would be assigned the lowest possible suffering value for that cycle, and would subsequently die painlessly. For higher, but still low suffering values, those persons would either die in an somewhat unpleasant way, or continue to live suffering-free lives for the entire cycle. On the contrary, a very small minority would be dammed to the highest possible suffering value for that cycle, and none of them would make it out of that cycle unscathed. These would be people with misfortune akin to Junko Furuta. In their case, though, they wouldn't be able to die throughout the entire cycle, as this prolongs their suffering. One character I have in mind would be a kind of subversion of the motherly, kind anime girl, who for now i'll call Arisu. Inspired a little bit by Tohno Minagi, including probably a similar degree of weirdness. However, while this characters kindness would be genuine, her views on the world would actually be the kinds of views that are seen as conventionally pessimistic - promortal, antinatal views, all of which derive from the same empathetic disposition and concern for others suffering. I think, that at first, we would witness this character from an outside perspective, getting only hints as to her inner thoughts (For example, by finding her reading a book on the subject of suffering-focused ethics or by her occasionally seeming detached and cold). I think that we would see all this from the perspective of a depressed hikikomori kind of character, who has suffered a great deal his entire life (who for now i'll just call Satou) and that Arisu here would play a counterpart to Misaki in welcome to the N.H.K, for example. She would show him genuine kindness, learn about his immense suffering, as well as the fact that he has no relatives or friends, and would then, at the end of his chapter, which would contain massive amounts of suffering, kill him. She would intend to do so painlessly, but would accidentally cause him a great deal of pain before he dies, and he would be wounded by the betrayal above all. Why? From her perspective, she would do this because she see's dying as in a person's interest. It's relevant that she finds out that he has no relatives, because that would mean that nobody would be saddened by his death, and that's why she kills him. She's a promortalist taking her ethics into her own hands. After this, we would move onto her chapter, similar to how Subahibi does things, and it would be very, very depressing. It would delve into things from her perspective, and show her thought process, have a bunch of shameless exposition on pessimist philosophy, and probably contain alot events not seen in Satou's story. I would end her story with her discovering, essentially, the mechanics of the world, and finding 'the big red button'. How? I was thinking it could draw inspiration from Lovecraft, specifically the dreamlands. She would be presented the often brought up 'big red button', that would end everything, in the form of Azathoth, the blind idiot god, who created everything, and by which the world would end if he was awakened. She has to decide whether to awake him or not. Having this choice presented to her, she would find herself paralyzed. She would know what she's obligated to do, what she thinks she has to do, and yet she would still feel held back by her desires and attachments to the world. And then, she would miss her chance. Up until this point, she will have been living exclusively for the purposes of preventing suffering. She would have felt it her only purpose in living her painful existence. But having been given a chance to realize her ideals, she would hesitate and miss it. This would absolutely destroy her (Alternatively, another character in the story would stop her somehow. A character who's perspective we would also see later). And just like Satou's story ends with the tragedy of him being murdered by the only person who provided him hope, Her's would end by failing her ideals at the absolute last moment. Returning to reality, she would still find herself disillusioned with the world, and pained by everyone else's suffering, but then - why even try to prevent it? She had that opportunity, and didn't even take it. She's the most evil person in the universe for that. Thinking those kinds of thoughts, she wouldn't die right away, but rather would continue to live a horrible life filled with suffering, until the end of that cycle has elapsed, by which she would die at the end of it.

These are all rough ideas of course, but those are two character stories I would like to write. In a more meta sense, what's really going on here is that the start of the story would take place near the end of a cycle. In this cycle, Satou has been unfortunate enough to have a very high suffering value, and has thus lived a very painful life that led to him becoming a recluse. Arisu, on the other hand, in this cycle, would also have a relatively high suffering value, but it wouldn't be as high as Satou's, and she would still find some joy in her life (Mostly in ethics, abstraction and caring for other people. Feeling useful to the world.) When this cycle ends, and the new one begins, every sentient beings suffering value will be randomized, and this will result in Satou and Arisu's also being randomized. In this cycle, Satou ends up with a pretty low suffering value, which means he's going to die (hence ending any future suffering), but that his death will involve a certain amount of pain. This is why his life remains a tragedy up until the end, even though he got randomized into a much lower suffering value. Arisu, on the other hand, would end up with one of the absolute worst suffering values, by pure bad luck, which leads into all the events I mentioned and makes her existence utterly miserable.

A particular enigmatic character, who would be inspired by Yukidoh Satoru and would have a more scholarly, and reserved personality, would occasionally appear throughout the routes of other characters, in a similar way to how ayane does in Subahibi, dropping hints about the ultimate truth of things in his detached manner. One of the
much later routes would lead to us taking the perspective of this character, and would essentially be a sort of... Truth seeking route. There's no deeper reason for this other than that I love that kind of thing. Characters and stories with truth seeking motivations. This character, who for now i'll call Toshiro, would have, in the first cycle, a quite low suffering value. It would be high enough to keep him alive, but low enough to live a relatively happy life pursuing his scholarly ambitions. His natural drive would be to understand things: And he would begin to unravel a bunch of strong occurrences and abnormalities, through all the other characters in this story, as well as through other sources, and would begin to piece together the grand truth of things. About the dreamlands, and eventually, he would discover the truth about suffering values. And read somewhere something like this, although obviously not so explicit:

Arisu - Prior cycle - 0.76
Arisu - Current Cycle - 0.97
Satou - Prior Cycle - 0.87
Satou (Deceased) - Current Cycle - 0
Toshiro - Prior Cycle - 0.10
Toshiro - Current Cycle - 100

In the transition points between cycles, it would be established that things can be a little unstable, which is why Toshiro is able to find something so unsettling even while his relatively suffering free cycle is going on. Because the cycle is transitioning into a new one, and thus, his suffering will be gradually increasing at this point. Well, at this point, Toshiro would be aware of the fate that awaits him. He would be tortured by his knowledge. What does he do next, then? Perhaps he tries to find a way to stop it, or perhaps he tries to kill himself. Of course, Toshiro had enjoyed his life up until that point, so it's not like he wants to die. I haven't thought ahead to much else, but these are just some incredibly unrefined ideas i've had.

>>13624
It would say "Current" and "next" cycle instead when Toshiro discovers it, obviously.