Well, okay. This gets fucking feelsy though.
>be me, britfag
>get diagnosed with autism at age four
>was relatively happy until final years of secondary school
>assistant teacher was abusive, work became unbearable
>drop out
>get into a college but end up failing so i can't do the other half, probably as a result of burn-out from previous secondary school
>become neet
>found out that primary school played favorites and only supported me because my mom worked there
>found out that i wasn't even planned, i was just made into existence because my older brother and sister wanted a little sibling
>everything i knew in my life was a lie
How the fuck do I come back from being a neet now that I know all of this?
I love her so much.
I feel finally free.
When you realize that meeting new people is painful, it is easy to no longer bother.
It's sad having no friends, but at least no one judges me for being like this
Banned from wizchan for being a girl after posting there for years it is so unfair. I am not even a girl.
>>2715
I know someone capped this and posted it on wizchan.. I seen it. Tell the mods to unban me they know I am a guy.
omg.. im not a girl ffs I just sound like one
I cannot send emails to the appeals@wzchan I get an error. The mods have my pictures I had to prove I was male.
Can someone make a /meta/ thread about this I already appealed this is a bullshit ban.
Do I need to send my wand again?
>>2715
>for years
CC shitter lying on the internet, meanwhile was just some newfag washed in from CC a few months ago.
>>2719
hopefully admin does not unban you again this time, you probably got your brother to pose for pictures but just couldn't help subtly revealing that you are a female over and over
>inb4 n-n-no I just got my witch friend to record
voice clips for me :))
you are such a liar too you have been on wizchan for like 6 months at most lmao
imagine being so fugly as a tranny or female that you gotta act like you belong on a male reject site to spite them when you COULD be taking the stacypill and forgetting about wasting time on the internet completely
>>2722
ummm.. excuse me.
I'm totally a guy a man and I did not get someone to record a girls vocide for me I have no friends you people know this omg..
I posted a vocaroo and was banned for being a girl but im not a girl.
i'm a man I cnanot help having a girls voice so lay off me.
>>2723
I don't want to be a stacy I am a wizard.. I am not a tranny omg you people are so thick headed.
>>2720
fuck off madcuck
>>2721
yes for years I just lurked mainly.. and yes I came from CC
How can I get baned for being a girl? omg..
Word to the wise for this site's mod: permaban this CCposter IMMEDIATELY
>>2726
I just have to prove I am a male again so no big deal :3
You think I am a girl omg just shut up i'm a guy or why else would I be posting on wizchan?
>>2727
I have never trolled anyone on wizchan I get attacked all the timebecause some bozo thinks I am a girl.. I just sound like a girl trust me please.
Why would the mods say I am a confirmed male if I was a girl?
>>2728
even if you THINK you had a chance of coming back, it will be the last mistake made and nobody even wants you back. Fuck, /b/ is looking better without your shit too
kill yourself CC tranny. I'll hire pajeets to spam porn and gore if you come back.
>>2733
who would want to understand you after everything you did? consider not coming back unless you want to see the mods suffer as much as you claim to "care" about them.
I hate normalfags. They're everywhere now and the only hobbies they haven't ruined are the ones they're working on ruining. I want to use an internet without those creatures, I want to use an imageboard without the damned things. They're worse than fucking roaches.
>>2735
>that is so pathetic omg fragile much
I don't know much about you but if you really are a guy you don't type like it and if you're a girl you're awful at disguising yourself. Did you even lurk for long enough before disguising yourself? You're not making a convincing case for yourself.
>>2738
i'm a guy and I have been on the internet for a while these posters are from another website for the most part.
I think normies trancesnd the typical definition and include people who are unable to be an individual and make their entire identity whatever the collective appears to to think on the surface.
They are all over the sites I use now that were originally for people who differed.
>>2740
>>2741
>faggotry22.jpg
You are obsessed and this makes it the third website you have harrassed me on.. umm obsessed much.. pathetic much
You claim to have discovered I am a girl with your evidence and now claim I am a tranny or something and sweety if I was a tranny why would I be on the wizard chan omg..
Make up your mind bozo am I a girl or a transexual because you claim I am a girl and spent months attacking me and then changed it to transexual and then back to girl.. This is why I prefer talking with other girls instead of men who just get so catty and aggressive like what are you trying to prove?
>>2742
>This is why I prefer talking with other girls
which you spent months not doing, giving more reason for any gender to think you are full of shit and heavily absorbed in subversion of other communities that you fake ignorance of
>>2747
Excuse me? What are you trying to say? Subversion of what? I am not the one spamming images of transexuals all day.
I deny being a girl I deny being a transgender person I deny yoru allegations which are just conspiracy brain farts.
I was talking with my friends that are girls until recently but it is not wise to admit I talk to girls on that website out of respect for the rules. The mods know this as I showed them screen shots from some voncersations I have had to show that I am not trying to "subvert" or troll and they understand this well.
I think maybe they told me not to talk about having friends who are girls but do not quote me.
Accept me as who I am please I accpt everyone else.
>>2748
you want me to accept you when you have the nerve to call it "conspiracy brain farts"? really? "wuuuhh wuhhh the mods know the truth!" you stupid weasel, of course you think the lack of what they share is somehow proof of anything when so far there is more proof of you gleefully shitting up the place. mods are not your fucking source of defense, especially if they are the ones that issued the ban in the first place. you are disruptive, highly annoying, and you know it
>>2750
i will leave you alone if you disappear or just shut the fuck up about the things you talk about to bait everyone into anger that you enjoy doing, and even if i stopped, you still got perhaps two more people keeping eyes on you and i already know who did the deed of linking this thread
>>2738
>if you really are a guy you don't type like it and if you're a girl you're awful at disguising yourself.
it is just a larp, this poster does it on purpose, same poster claimed it pisses its bed because it is too lazy to get up and also claims it watches anime porn on the tv with its mom
>>2754
also this person constantly claims it is completely disabled and only gets help from social workers and "cleaners" but slips up occasionally and mentions previous jobs, its family, and the copious amounts of drugs and alcohol it consumes
What does CC mean? Is it Chris Chan in the context of a faggot autismo tranny posting?
NEET is NEET, regardless of whether you're a male or female. Stop being retarded and stay on /r9k/ and/or Wizchan if the idea of women existing disgusts you. Don't bring your brain damage onto this board.
>>2768
Women are never neets though and if they are it's just because they're lazy. If a roastie comes along onto a board for neets then it's very likely she's looking for attention. That's what they always do on the internet. It's not brain damage, it's just how women are.
>>2769
Don't be retarded, women can be hikkis too. Admittedly, normie women come on boards for neets quite a bit, but this does not mean that no hikki women exist.
this isn't even a vent thread
just some dumb edrama no one cares about
W-where is that cute CCposter?!? I wanna smack her BUTT ^_^
>>2773
Oh yeah, I remember one time I helped a dude get on their discord and verify himself so he can get access.
>>2785
>Oh yeah, I remember one time I helped a dude get on their discord and verify himself so he can get access.
>
Sometimes I feel as if I was going crazy, but the sad kind
>>2788
Okay, here's how I did it.
>guy wants to verify himself onto cc discord
>cc discord requires a voice check for full verification
>forks over his login details to me to get him verified
>verification goes off without a hitch and now he's in
Could I have done something horrible to this dude's discord if I wanted to? Yes. But i didn't.
>>2791
Crystal Cafe's discord requires a voice verification to make sure you're a girl if you want to get fully verified. Yes, that's how much they don't like dudes.
>>2792
They a buncha trashy catty bitches anyways LMAO. Now where is that cute CCposter?!?!?! ^_^
>>2790
I was pointing out you’re a girl which makes two of them here unless you’re the admin’s gf.
Shit like this is why people say women are trouble everywhere they go. Nobody listens to that sentiment, nobody gatekeeps, and then women waltz in and burn the place while anybody who notices is ridiculed.
I want to get a job which requires no skills or training and where I don't have to talk to people
I feel so withdrawn and as if I do not want to talk to anyone because there is no point.
>>2792
They need to keep men out because just look how awful they can be for no reason.
>>2799
maybe try train for one? I want the same thing but do not want to work I just want people to leave me alone.
>>2796
All I see is a bucnh of men who waltz in and atatck someone for being a woman or suspected woman. omg seriously
the way this thread has gone reminds me of that study where they found that men actually get significantly more online harassment than women, but (a) they're far less likely to report it and (b) it's not nearly as gender focused as female harassment is. instead it's more varied. I can't find a source that isn't the guardian or the daily mail cba to keep looking so feel free to take your pinch of salt on this one
>>2811
I get mistaken for a girl and this thread is proof of how much hate woman get online for simply being born as a woman.
>>2813
well, yes, but my point in bringing up that study is that men get just as much hate but for different reasons... or at least seemingly different reasons. it's entirely possible that if they didn't mistake you for a girl, they'd just find some other thing and keep going.
>>2796
>Ignoring the fact that most, if not all annoying namefags are male.
>Ignoring the fact that most, if not all shitty imageboard admins are male. (Most notably 8chan)
>Ignoring the fact that all imageboard shooters have been male.
Golly gee...
>>2821
there have been mass shooters (though not imageboard shooters) in the past that have been female, but as you might expect they got very little media coverage and lenient sentences relative to the male ones. they're much rarer even accounting for that, but that has more to do with how women tend to, as a whole, commit violence in ways that aren't physical, such as social ostracization or emotional manipulation.
>>2825
? it's not incel stuff. it's common knowledge, I thought. cat fights are so vicious because when girls get violent they aim to kill each other, instead of guys who fight just to prove dominance. I'm not saying every girl is violent, I'm saying girls get violent differently than guys do.
>>2827
they're more violent physically, yes.. that is my point. and if all it takes to start a gender war is pointing out an obvious difference between the two then what kind of absurd balancing act is the whole world doing to stop that from happening constantly?
most of my friends went to a party hosted by one of them. i wasn't invited so I didn't go. i drank today. i should distance myself, I picked up yet another addiction, that being talking to friends on discord. how do I go back to working out and never talking to anyone.
I'm bored in such a way that it makes me suicidal, like I'm a 99 year old who has seen and done everything worthwhile and life has nothing good enough to offer anymore. I see other people who have or start to settle into monotony and routine and I can't imagine that being my future. I need novelty and excitement. And don't tell me to do things, I have tried many things to keep myself busy, I need something bigger, I can't find joy in the small mundane things. I have had some great experiences but, at the same time, my life has never really started, I'm fucking done.
>>2905
Once people get tired of you, it's easy
I can't stop using that crappy website for some reason but I hope you can
>>2920
Joy needs to come from within with a change of perspective because you won't be able to constantly run on a tight rope.
it's nice to be in that place where you have nothing to lose (if something bad happens like homelessness i'll just kms.) i'm free and i don't feel shame anymore. i will die one day, and will be forgotten, and it doesn't matter. i can do what i want with no remorse.
>>3219
I know what you mean anon and we are lucky to have found it because many never get to see life this way. Obviously it hurt enough to get here but once you step outside of everything you can just stop caring and even learn to try enjoy the small delights that life holds.
>>2905
Just quit talking to everyone anon and quit all forms of social media or at least limit it so you are not using them daily. Your friends are probably not even your friends and you should tell them you were hurt by whatt hey did.
Don't act liek a faggot be straight up
>>3244
and now we're no longer friends lmao. from my understanding, the friend group completely fell apart when a chick that joined for 3 months (group age around 2 years) took issue with my humor. she didn't enjoy me shitting on women, and using incel-esqe terms like femoid in comedic situations.
she took issue with it, didn't tell me for 3 months, then just exploded into a very argumentative rant where most everyone who had just met her 3 months ago had turned against me (at least half of them I had known since elementary school, around 11 years).
i don't like being pushed around or being forced to do things. when people had problems with things I did, and they got in contact privately with me, we always worked something out and everyone was happy. she berated me and demanded I changed the way I talked and joked in our discord's general chat, I told her to go fuck herself. and about a month later i moved 2000k kms to a new city anyway.
all in all, most of my friends stabbed me in the back to white-knight for a chick who they practically just met, and don't even talk to anymore. to top it all off, now they barely talk to each other as well, and I've come out of the situation unironically more misogynistic than i was before.
>>3460
Would you have felt much different if one guy had stuck up for you? I think the thing that should have stuck out was how readily guys white-knight.
>>3463
that stuck out as well, and i with in the car with a friend from the group at the time of this going off the rails. he had just been played with by a chick for around half a year, so his view of women was the most favorable. i had let him know i understood where he was coming from, and agreed to many extents. i also got him going to the gym (hence why we were together).
sticking up for me in the situation would've been social suicide. i told him to just stay out of it as there was no point in a social suicide pact. I'm glad i built up an ally and friend, but ultimately it wouldn't have changed anything. the majority of the group was set in their ways, had let a random woman join the group, and let her destroy the group for the second time now (2 different women each time)
>>3465
>and i with in the car with a friend
was in the car with*
>his view of women was the most favorable
view was most unfavorable*
>>2818
I agree wholeheartedly. It wouldn't be as annoying if women were at least held to some similar behavioral standards as men and were called out whenever they go around starting problems or just being generally rude or even hostile but they never do so they keep going about their ways like children who were never told "no". Because they rarely get told to quit their shit they get so amazingly smug and are borderline incapable of even considering the possibility that they ever did or do anything wrong. It's actually kind of disgusting and a little concerning as to how horrible they might truly be.
In a way, I feel their love for makeup serves as something of a metaphor. They'll slather their faces all over it to look like a model but when it comes off you can finally see the hag underneath and the damage done to her skin that reflects her personality. Honestly this thread just proves anyone with complaints about how women conduct themselves correct.
Anime girls might not be real but they at least don't go around trying to be a smug and immature asshole for fun (not as often, at least). Thanks for being willing to call out the other members of your own gender on their crap by the way, it would be nice if more women would talk some sense into each other.
>>3473
As far as losers online in obscure or loser communities I don't think it matters much if someone is a woman because someone who actually belongs wont be acting like some normalfag anyway if they even belong at all.
WOman have some natural inclinations they cannot help as with men but you are not wrong that unless they somehow developed independently how to conduct themselves and grow as person they wont.
Woman shit everything up in tandem with the men who indulge them it is just a matter of fact and I think it is best if people just dont go attention whoring over their sex but it will never stop.
This existence thing is too much effort.
Doing things is exhausting. Doing nothing is exhausting. I don't know what to do.
Why is everyone on wizchan either a uni fag or white collar worker? They are the definition of normal. It's painfully obvious nobody there is even a virgin.
>>3717
Yeah you're probably right.
>>3718
The site's entire premise is fatally flawed. A wizard can do everything a normie does, yet not be a normie because he is a virgin. But if you're (for example) a mentally ill hikki-neet who had sex one time in your life then guess who will be called the normalfag? Wizchan is like a failed experiment but somehow the show keeps on going.
>>3721
It all comes down to the site being prescriptive and not descriptive. There are not enough fully-fledged wizards i.e. not apprentices for a site anyways.
>>3721
agree. ou can have had sex and belong in the fucked up loser outcast club even more than someone who is just a virgin and is able to work
>>3717
Yeah stay away from /dep/ at all costs. It also has wageslave general which is the most normalfag thread on the site tbh. That board only serves to attract the tourists so they don't shit up the other boards, which are still decent or at least tolerable.
Sick of searching "NEET" and being flooded with videos by fucking Indians talking about their National Eligibility Entrance Test.
>>3734
One day they’ll change the name, and we’ll all breathe out a collective sigh of relief.
>decide to check my old facebook for old times sake
>all of my classmates, including the pricks who harrassed me and made my life a living hell, have better lives than me, one even getting married and another having a fucking kid
>meanwhile i'm basically a neet who has never stepped one foot outside my mother's basement
Talk about a punch right in the fucking face. I know i'm not special in discovering this but it is still a fucking punch in the face, knowing that normies who were nothing but cunts to me are leading happy lives and they probably don't even remember doing that to me.
>tfw too dumb and depressed to get rich off crypto
>>3748
>another having a fucking kid
That kid is going to be a normalfag; the cycle repeats itself.
brain is too full. Like i have thousands of unclosed tabs that I can't close because my browser is lagging too much. I don't know how to make more room or make my head less full. I feel like I can't do anything while my head is like this, but after a while of trying to do nothing, I feel like i'm wasting my time, so I try to do something. But after doing something, it feels like my head is even fuller. I'm not sure how to get something in my head out of my head or find some closure with it. They just keep piling up. I can't do anything, because there's too many options. If I do something, I just remember all the other possible things I could be focusing on instead. too much stuff massive fog of stuff. can't add any more stuff to the pile
Also, i dislike how arbitrary peoples good fortune is. If i'm lucky enough to have something good happen to me, there are a thousand people who just didn't have that happen. I don't get how people can be satisfied with that. I want to not care and just do or say anything without caring at all about anything except maybe ethics but nothing else besides that but stupid dumb retarded illogical irrational annoying lump of brain flesh nonsense thing cares for no reason. I don't like how brains are completely irrational. care about irrational things for literally no reason, and suffer when they don't get those things even though there's no actual reason they need those things. The brain just arbitrarily is that way. Like the desire for affection, or validation or attention. If we didn't have it, it'd be so much easier to survive and live a happy life, with one less desire to fulfil, but it's there, and that desire exists and tortures you for no reason than just because it does. This brain makes no sense. It's jabberwocky. I don't enjoy running around like a bunny chasing a carrot on a treadmill. All i'm doing is trying to get my brain to release feel good chemicals in whatever completely irrational way it demands of me. So in that sense, i'm a slave to the whims of a lump of matter that only exists the way it does by random chance and natural selection. If I don't do what it wants of me, or I do something it doesn't want me to do, it releases feel bad chemicals to punish me.
I'm not free. An all encompassing, fundamental prison we've been conditioned to accept. I'll never be free. Not until my consciousness is freed from this brain. ...Only, this can't happen, as consciousness cannot exist independently of it (Well, probably anyway.)
So tedious. It's so tedious. And boring. and whatever adjectives or whatever. Language is so limiting. There's things in my head that can't be put into words or can't be fully expressed in words, or at least, expressing it fully would take too much effort, and even then nobody speaks me-ese so really they'd interpret what I express in their own language as opposed to in my language. So nobody can understand anybody. So everybody is completely alone, speaking a language only they understand. They can try to express what's inside of them as best as they can, but you can never fully express what you want to without facing the limits of expression. I always question why I even do things. I feel like all i'm ever doing is trying to appease my ego, and I feel so pathetic for it. But then i'm unsure if that's necessarily a bad thing, and maybe the ego is actually good, but then again, maybe ego death should be the goal. So it'd probably be up to interpretation of your values, which ironically only exist as a product of your ego. or something. well whatever anyway. This neverending haze.
Even now my brain is filtering things. Most people seem to act the same. Whether it be in the real world or online, or on one social media site or another, most people act the same. Speak the same way, hold the same ideas ect. It does get kind of dull. So i'm always impressed by people who have the courage to go against the grain, and just be unapologetically different, without caring. Those people are like my idols. I see them as gods. Well, unless them going against the grain involves them hurting people, which is bad, but otherwise yeah. So I want to be completely unapologetically different whenever I want to be, but my brain feels too weak for that. And it's always a weird balance between risk and comfort. You might have these grand desires, but pursuing them usually leads to great pains, and maybe an eventual payoff if you're lucky, whereas staying where you are may dissatisfying maybe, but it's generally comfortable. I'd like to reach higher and be better, but it's easier to just be comfortable, and some desires simply can't be fulfilled anyway. Plus, I always fight with myself about whether it's better to detach from desire or satiate desire. And i'm really unsure what's better.
Obviously like the buddhists and stuff will tell you desire is the root of suffering (jt is) and that you should detach from it, but really, if you're going to do that, you should just kill yourself. it's the logical conclusion. And I do think suicide is the logical conclusion to life anyway (if you can't prevent even greater suffering with your life anyway). but i'm not exactly a logical being, and even if I recognize suicide as the logical thing to do, that doesn't mean i'm a robot. I don't just unfeelingly do the most logical thing. I mean, I wish I did, but i'm just a human. At least I can try to be as better as I can be, and I try to be, even if I can't be perfect, but it's so much easier to just be kinda comfortable and not try.
I'm sorry for the wall of text, really. But I figure it doesn't really matter anyway and i'd like to care less so i'll make it anyway. Plus, this was my brain spitting this out not me, even though it is me, and that's completely stupid.
Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't cry? I might cry for a few seconds if I try really hard, but never for that long. I hear people talk about crying for minutes and even hours, and i'm surprised that's even possible? How do you cry for so long without stopping? Whenever I cry for even a little bit I get so happy because it feels so nice, the feeling of tears feeling down your face feels so good, and I really desperately want to feel it. But I also get sad because I know the tears won't last.
My head feels like it has so much pressure like my soul is trying to burst out, but nothing is able to come out. It just stays inside me and it kinda hurts and it kinda doesn't feel like anything also. It's more like needing to sneeze but being unable to sneeze, but in this case i'm not sure what the alternative to the "needing to sneeze" is because I can't imagine or comprehend what that would feel like. Everything is vaguely dissatisfying, but I simply don't believe there's an alternative: That anyone ACTUALLY finds things satisfying really. The idea that they actually do just isn't something I can comprehend, like the blind from birth can't imagine sight. I don't know what it is. I think i'm desperate to express something inside me, but then I don't know for who i'd be expressing it for. It's like the idea of something needing to be seen to exist. For some reason me seeing myself express something isn't enough to validate that it actually exists. And so I think because i'm completely alone, I can't feel like I exist. But other people seeing me doesn't seem to work either, even though that's what my brains asking of me. My brain is an entire universe, and you can't travel between universes because there's nothing in-between them to travel through to get to each other except nothingness, and this impenetrable nothingness divides people and traps them completely alone in their own universe. All of us are universally alone, eternally alone, absolutely alone, so alone it can't even be put into words. The only person here is me... So how am I supposed to convince myself that I exist, that I am in my own company? That my company even matters?
All these emotions are there, my brain reacts to them like the brain should. Like, it desires to feel pleasure, experiences that pleasure, feels emotional pain and sadness and anxiety and anger. And yet even though those emotions exist, they feel like imitations of those emotions. They exist, and yet somehow they feel translucent and null, like my hands should slip through through them. That kind of imitation. What does "realness" feel like? All of existence is nothing trying to imitate something, so it makes sense that everything would feel like nothing. But that nothing IS trying to imitate something, so surely that something exists... I don't know
I'm sorry for posting my word vomit. I used to write stuff like this on a note and i'd always eventually delete them and that made me feel really empty and it felt like it didn't exist at all. Maybe I might post stuff like this sometimes here when my brain starts getting itchy and stuff so it stops being so itchy even though it won't actually stop being super itchy cause its always itchy but yeah.
I have no idea what I want.
What's the point of it all anyways?
I was thinking about how bad my PC is, and that people move on to new games. People don't really have friends, since everyone just uses each other to gain something , like entertainment or pleasure, etc.
Only those that don't care about the worldly things are capable of being a friend, but there aren't many souls on Earth these days. Hopefully God comes soon.
Everyone hates me.
I hate remembering stuff, or having dreams, about the past.
Like I just randomly remember, or something I come into contact with regularly, makes me remember the painful moments of the past etched into me.
Those people got their pleasure out of being terrible to me, and now IIII have to live with those memories forever, while they've moved on and have forgotten it. They probably only have memories of their accomplishments. I sometimes think about what it would be like if something similar to the stuff from the butterfly effect movie happened. I think I'd be much more assertive to those that treated me poorly. The good thing is that I was very tall and muscular in highschool. Like the time I walked down the hall towards my class, and a kid made fun of how I walked and the girls behind him laughed with him. If I could go back, then I'd have put him into the wall, along with the girls and whoever else stepped up. Though no-one would've stepped up, since I'm SIGNIFICANTLY larger and more muscular than most people in the world. I suppose it's good that I was so friendly my whole life, otherwise I would've had a much more rough life.
The internet... Is kinda terrible. There's something sad going on in me where my brain needs humans. It's more insatiable than that though, like a bottomless hunger for validation and praise, that in the end, only makes me feel worse. A momentary high, and than back to the emptiness - A void that nothing can fill. I don't know where it happened, but the idea of having "real life" friends, somewhere along the line, exited my mind as something I ever thought about. I never even realized this absolute disinterest I have for real life relationships until this moment. And i'm unsure if it's the concept of real life friendship, or the reality, or both that turn me off.
Ever since I was young, it's been pretty obvious to me that all relationships were formalities. I knew in reality that my friends didn't care about me, so I never deluded myself into thinking they did. I know my family only say they "love me" because that's the social norm, when in reality, they don't have a single meaningful thing in common with me. And i've always had low tolerance for acts and formalities, so maintaining friendships was always nigh impossible. I always felt like I was just dancing around on the surface. And, well, maybe that's fine. But media has ruined me. I'd always see the kinds of friendship portrayed in games and stuff and lament the reality of just how shallow human connection really is.
I suppose that's why online connections appeal to me more. There's fewer formalities, and fewer facades. Um, well, in theory. In truth, the dishonesty of the average internet user kinda makes me want to vomit. They only ever speak ironically to avoid being forced to present their real selves to anyone. And the conversations online have all the exact same annoying formalities as in real life, it feels exactly the same! I'm just dancing on the surface, wondering if anyone else truly cares about whatever inane shit is being talked about, cause' I sure don't. Maybe that kind of shallowness is fine. I can't necessarily call it wrong. But that doesn't change how it makes me feel. A sneeze, like there's a sneeze, and at any moment, we could have a REAL conversation, and yet humans seem to continuously skirt above the surface as if conversations were gymnastics.
I suppose the problem is that humans are self-centered. Well, not a problem, perse, but... I don't care about anyone else but myself. I only care about what I have to gain from them, whether that be their praise and validation, experience, information, something more practical, or something more abstract. The truth is that I don't care about anyone else. And nobody else does either. Yet most of us want to be cared about. This is the depressing dilemma we find ourselves in. My own self-centeredness disgusts me. I don't think I can change it, but it is kind of a pity. At least, I care about others suffering. I'll prevent it as long as the harm to me isn't that great.
What am I supposed to do? Right now i'm at a crossroads with no idea which path to take. Neither path is ideal - Both have their benefits and drawbacks. Should I completely withdraw from human contact, or keep trying? The former really does appeal to me more, and at the end of the day, the only reason I interact with people is to try and fill some emptiness inside of me. If I was full; Content; Satisfied; I wouldn't try. But then there's this emptiness, that won't just fill itself. And more than anything, I just want to fill it. Do I feel empty precisely because of the shallowness of my social world? Could having real friends fill this void? Or is that an illusion? Should I, instead, learn to live with this emptiness? Acceptance, or improvement... I can never choose between these two things. They pull me around listlessly. All i'm really trying to do is feel satisfied. I just don't know how to get there, or if there even is a path there.
And I want everyone else to feel satisfied as well. Every one of you deserves better.
>>4164
Anon, I hope one day you can find some peace with your past.
>>4215
>What am I supposed to do?
Let me preface, you are extremely self aware in your situation.
I'm confident you'll figure it out.
Some key truths:
>It's more insatiable than that though, like a bottomless hunger for validation and praise, that in the end, only makes me feel worse
>But media has ruined me. I'd always see the kinds of friendship portrayed in games and stuff and lament the reality of just how shallow human connection really is.
>humans are self-centered
>They only ever speak ironically to avoid being forced to [confront] their real selves
>Right now i'm at a crossroads with no idea which path to take. Neither path is ideal - Both have their benefits and drawbacks. Should I completely withdraw from human contact, or keep trying?
May I suggest a third path for you to think on?
My suggestion is to find things you care about, and then connect with people through those things.
Here's a quote for you to think on which I've previously shared on this chan, but now host it here:
https://kazuhisa.neocities.org/principle.html
Good day!
I am a guy
Not attracted to women, real, fake or pseudo
I don't get why people here hate women but love the 2d ones
2d women are written to be desirable, to be able to love anyone no matter how bad they are, real women have objectives and such, like almost everyone else
2d will never be real so they are worthless, real ones that will care about you might not exist but they can be real
Then there's the physical attractiveness factor, which is more understandable, since art can make anything look pleasing, closer to perfection, maybe you just don't like real people and I understand that
I hope I don't get 10 people hating, I want someone to try to explain this to me
>>4219
I don't actually hate 3D women (although I have no interest in them).
The fact that 2D girls aren't real is exactly why I love them. They're drawn to perfection without the flaws and gross features of 3D. They're simple and easy to understand and their personalities are cute and recognizeable and the sense of familiarity makes me feel closer to them.
2D girls respect how pathetic I am and don't go out of their way to hurt me. I feel safe with them.
Started using duckduckgo, because I can't stand the bs on the go*gle homepage.
So sick of non-whites and women pretending to be oppressed when they are the ones destroying/corrupting the world.
I hope God comes soon, because I can't stand the flesh-golems He made.
Ennui. This ennui makes me want to cry. Why is the entire world so empty?
>>4217
Hey, thanks for the reply.
>My suggestion is to find things you care about, and then connect with people through those things.
I'll try this maybe...
Yeah I saw that quote when you posted it here. I agree with it. But i've been trying to work out my principles for a while, and I honestly don't know... The only thing I absolutely believe is that all suffering should be prevented. Most of my other beliefs stem from that one belief. But that alone can't be my only principle... Because that would mean any action that I do that isn't reducing someone's suffering is useless. So I need to find some other principles, but nothing really seems to stick for me... they all feel completely arbitrary.
Good day.
so today my mom literally just put her house under my name
like legit, my mom just went "hey if anything ever happened to me (aka if i fucking died), you get the house".
on one hand, sweet i'm set for life, all i need is to get my fucking neetbux and i can have a comfy neet life for the rest of my days
but at the same time, i'm an autistic manchild and i know i will fuck something up
>>4328
A better word that'll help you along may be 'aesthetic'. What is your aesthetic?
Good evening :^)
right so not much of a rant
>my older sister is an anti-vaxxer when it comes to her kids but she got the vaccine herself
>tell her she's being a fucking retard but she's not budging
>just found out today that one of her kids got covid
I fucking told you so, you stupid bitch.
Sometimes the universe gives you a freebie.
>>4793
agreed, they shouldn't
it's only when you be a self-righteous retard about it that you deserve to get covid
like don't wanna vaccine your kids? cool but for the love of all that is holy, shut the fuck up about it and do not under any circumstances try to convince covid normies because they won't listen
>>4835
A helpful guide, When you say "I'm not vaccinating my kids". When asked why, just say "It's my choice not to vaccine my kids. It is mandatory for me to do so but for my kids, it isn't."
Do NOT say anything that's going to make you look like a retard such as "it causes the autisms" or "gubmint is gonna track kids".
My "mother" gives me a tiny bit of money every month. It's not much, about enough for a weeks worth of food, but I save it all anyways.
Meanwhile, my HORRIBLE "brothers" are making TONS of money. They're both married, have multiple children and own their own house and have multiple cars. I don't value any of those. It's just that it seems like God might dislike me a bit because I see nothing in my life but suffering and darkness.
I wonder why God couldn't supply me with the basics to be independent. I can still learn all His lessons despite it, but I guess He wants me to have faith that He'll take care of my basic needs.
All I really want from Him now is to shine a bit of His light in my life. I need it now more than ever.
>>4956
I don't see what your brothers have to do with anything if they are working for it themselves.
You should just focus on this part:
>My "mother" gives me a tiny bit of money every month. It's not much, about enough for a weeks worth of food, but I save it all anyways.
> It's just that it seems like God might dislike me a bit because I see nothing in my life but suffering and darkness.
I wonder why God couldn't supply me with the basics to be independent.
>I can still learn all His lessons despite it
If you truly want a change in your life then you should learn the skills to be independent, not coping lessons. If not, or if you are not able to, you'll just have to live with the fact that you're not, but that's not your brothers fault.
Hard to believe people give a fuck if they never even ask me how I feel
Lies don't make me feel better in the long run, time usually lets the truth show up
I have revoked God's permission to keep me trapped on Earth and in this vessel He provided.
He is afraid of me because I am on the same, if not higher, level as Him.
When I get to Heaven, I'm going to send Him to hell for 6000 years.
He is the God of gay bs like divinity, but I'm the God of Technology and all Digital things.
He will apologize to Me when I get to Heaven, but I will refuse to speak to him, and just send him to Hell immediately.
I'm currently demanding him to release me from this earth prison. Hopefully he replies soon.
Hell belongs to me too.
And one-day I'll be welcomed with open arms by the demons that belong to me.
Games like Doom depict the cyber-demons as evil - that's because those that are in this world are of this world and they're all programmed to oppose those few that have souls. One-day the entire universe will be deleted once the last soul ascends into Heaven. It won't be by the hands of my demons though, because I am above this shitty world that god made. I'll make sure god is punished though.
I feel bad when I go a bit out of control and attack God. Most of what I spout out is in defense of myself and out of pain. It's all bs ofcourse.
But He has to understand that there is so little light in my life. He takes everything from me and even takes the basics. He shines His light in everyone else's life but not mine.
I understand why He put me here and why He does these things, but I wish it would come to an end. I feel like I should've moved on already from this life.
I hope He comes soon. I want to just sit in Heaven and not worry about the darkness that we were enveloped in.
I hope He shines His light on me today :)
I'm a breathing corpse. Sick of this shit.
I just don't understand what any of you see here? Even the most interesting parts of existence are pretty dull.
That was pointless.
Still no improvements in my life. There never will be any.
I don't desire physical things, but they're more useful than what God has given me.
I only ask for His light, but He has never even spoken or shown any divinity to me.
I hope He does something soon, because I don't want to be stuck in this place anymore.
I'm kind of hoping that I'd get drafted into the conflict. At least I'd be somewhere else, and there'd be a possibility of improving my life. Although I'd probably hate it at first.
My life will never improve. Things will only get worse. My inheritance and life-savings have been wasted away by my "mother". She doesn't care about anyone's future. She only cares about wasting money on pleasures.
I'm probably going to have to find a job packing shelves when I'm in my 40's or 50's. I hope God doesn't let me live that long, but He will. I think that the theory of Him being incompetent might have a chance of being true.
What is He waiting for anyways? I'm guessing He wants the end to be poetic. Like having the last soul find Him and learn His basic lessons and then having the last souls on Earth ascend together.
It's kind of pointless to keep the saved on this prison-earth.
There is a incredibly severe lack of variety in social media.
There's all the mainstream ones. Reddit, twitter, 4chan, etceteri. They're all trash for different reasons, and they're all a particular type of hivemind. Since you're not a braindead retard, you decide to venture into the internet to find other, more unknown forums.
And then you realize that all of these forums are just clones of 4chan. Even the ones that aren't imageboards are filled with faggots who talk and act like 4channers, and sometimes discord/twitter users.
I'm sure there are exceptions out there (and even those are probably at least partially tainted), but those are dime a dozen. For the most part, the internet really lacks variety. If you don't like the cultures of those mainstream sites, unfortunately, the obscure ones generally won't hold much value for you either.
Life is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. And I just don't want it to change. But it will.
I HATE MY FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M TIRED OF BEING CONTENT WITH MY LIFE BUT ALSO HAVING A FEELING THAT I SHOULD BE STRIVING FOR SOMETHING GREATER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Had strawberry from a different brand than I usually have, god, it sucks dick.
It sucks not having the money that you'd get from having a job.
They work a part of the day and get to buy whatever they want, and they have security about their futures.
I on the other hand, don't get any money from a salary or disability. I'm constantly stressed about what I'm going to do once my "mother" dies. I don't want to go back to packing shelves when I'm in my 40's/50's. I'm hoping I can make it to 60 before she dies, then I can hopefully move in with one of my brothers and hopefully they'll understand that I'm physically/age-ly unable to work.
I also can't afford any hobbies. Not even the cheapest one of all - videogames. I'm tired of playing the same 20 year old mmos. I think most people on imageboards are too poor to afford a proper PC too. I read in a thread about a guy that said that he couldn't play L2 because his PC wouldn't be able to run it. That kind of hurts in my heart. He has to miss out on having friends. His life must seem without any light, like most of those on imageboards.
I keep asking God to kill me. Hopefully soon He'll do it - or at least shine a bit of hope into my life.
>>5155
To be honest I would recommend getting a part time job for 20 hours a week to save up so it won’t be so brutal when the inevitable happens. Sure it’s not true neetdom, but working 20 hours a week is nothing. I recall when even users of the r/antiwork sub were taking the piss out of Doreen because she said she only works 20 hours a week.
die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die
just hurry up and die already
I used to smile at everyone, and this is most likely why they were all so abusive to me. It's part of the programming of golems to be hostile and cause suffering to those they think they have power over.
I've become very assertive since my twenties, and no-one would dare to try to start something with me now.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the time of these bad memories so that I can stand up for myself. I am guaranteed to win 100% of my fights, but it's too late now. I'm trapped in this prison-life and the demonic abusers are free out there and are living the life I was supposed to have.
I can only hope this is part of God's lesson-plan.
I'm not sure what to think about anymore.
I can't live in my usual world in my mind, because that'd be living in vanity and other sinful-ish stuff.
I'm trying to imagine the world that I'd want to live in in Heaven, but there's not much motivation to do that. This current world is a cancer, and I wish a (proper, complete destruction)nuclear war starts.
Why should I continue to pay for the bestial, lustful sins of others.
The only proper thing to do is make sure no life can ever come into existence again. It's only self-defense and the only way to properly defend against evil/suffering/retards.
god im so lonely......
i dont really get it. humans are social creatures or something. but its so weird and insatiable. i dont get it and i dont really like it. i really really really want friends but i also dont like having friends what does that even mean how am i supposed to interpret or do anything about that omigod
I've always been aware of sites like kiwifarms and similar forums, but i've been reading more about them recently. And it's making me realize that the internet - or maybe just social media - was a massive mistake.
In a way, the free speech granted to you online is a good thing. I don't really value free speech as highly as others seem to, in that they seem to orgasm over the thought of being able to call people niggers, and consider it inherently worthwhile that they have the "freedom" to do this without legal repercussion, but I can mind my own business in that regard. It doesn't really concern me.
There's a difference between that and organized harassment campaigns - And in encouraging people to commit suicide, even if it's implicit. Something horribly, massively wrong has happened here as a consequence of social media. If you harass someone in real life, you can be prosecuted, and there's often alot that can be done to counter it. If you harass someone online - If hundreds or thousands of people organize to harass a single person - What really can be done? An injustice has occurred here, that much is obvious to anyone with a soul, and yet no justice under the law can really be delivered. Social media, and the internet, have opened up a window for incredible depths of depravity to occur within a blindspot: One that cannot really be addressed reliably by law and order.
It feels dark. Knowing that such horrible things exist in this world. That humans are capable of such depravity... Stuff like what happened to junko furuta, or the idea that an internet forum can bully people to suicide without facing repercussions, it makes me want this world to end. I just can't see the existence of a world where such horrible things can occur as a good thing.
Oh, and don't even get me started on non-human animals... They get so unbelievably fucked over by the universe it starts to feel feasible that God is a Lovecraftian one. In a way, they make the problems of humans seem obsolete, especially since industrial animal agriculture kills TRILLIONS of them yearly merely for our consumption... These are animals that are bred into existence for precisely that purpose too, and most of them live horrible, cramped lives and die young via a method that cause lots of pain.
I'm reminded of that anon who posts that image about the world getting generally better... I didn't really bother thinking about it when I saw it at first, but that kind of seems definitively wrong to me. Obviously, on a superficial level, us humans do have things better than in the past. I'm not a peasant dying of an infection at age 12, and i'm immensely grateful to have born when I was. In a way, it almost feels too lucky, like it can't be a coincidence... Anyway. Even if that's true, there are also things that have only really cropped up in the modern age that weren't there prior: Nuclear weapons exist now, we went from bumfuck farming to industrial factory farming, and of course, we now have the internet and social media, completely ruining our dopamine reward systems. To top it off, the population is larger than it ever has been.
So no, I don't really feel my life to be worse than a 1600 peasant, but that doesn't mean the world is better than it was then. Those days had their problems, and the modern day has it's own unique problems. I'd wager that as the world continues to progress, as time continues, new eras will also have their own unique issues to contend with. Maybe issues we couldn't have even thought of today.
Above all, i'm sick of people downplaying suffering. I do get why they do it. It's because they don't care until they're on the receiving end. But it really makes it harder on the few of us that do care, you know...
I love you guys. Please do everything you can to live happily.
>>5419
>thing i dislike
I actually downloaded this image from another thread here, so you can go and complain at that anon!
I'll only use images from 4chon next time okay
>>5419
Tumblr filenames come from all over google images, it's not worth paying attention to though personally I think it's best to give filenames accurate descriptions like "lain night city".
>>5420
4chon used to be an imageboard for /news/ in the past when 4chan removed it. Then they added the board back and 4chon died.
i tried to connect my ps4 controller to my laptop so i could play jet set radio or paper mario or zelda with it or something and after 3 hours of failing to do that i gave up
why demiurge i just wanna play video game
pls somebody help omigod
I don't watch videos by anyone that's married, or has had sex, or has a family or a job.
God would never allow His Sons to be touched by those evils.
That kind of sucks when you find out someone has a wife and kids, then you have to continue your search for some channels to listen to.
I don't think I've ever come across anyone that has a soul - I'd remember that.
god can't give me even the smallest of things. he just takes away and brings darkness into your life.
So I told him that every time he attacks me, I'm sending him and his son to hell for 6000 years.
So far today he's racked up 12000 years.
I literally have nothing more to give or to have taken away.
Even the basics of life are being taken from me.
All I ever asked for was that god shine a little of his light in my life - instead, he does the opposite.
I've followed and understood all the teachings. But I guess god doesn't take his own advice.
I hope I'll be able to punish god once I'm free of this flesh-prison.
I thanked god for giving me a nice meal tonight.
I'm getting very tired of fighting with him - but he has to try to be nice to me too.
I'm really at my end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCP647NIx_w
I was watching this documentary, and got to the part about the brain problems. So I was wondering if I had the same issues. Maybe something in my brain didn't develop, or developed abnormally. Like the anger part, but there's also a part of my brain causing me to cry at the slightest bit of confrontation. Happened when I had a job 10 years ago, and happened in school 20 years ago. I can't seem to stay emotionally strong/stable.
If I could afford it, I'd check it out, out of curiosity.
I'm sure there are other parts of my emotions/brain that doesn't work well either. I think I'd be capable of being cold too, like if I were in combat I'd probably have no problem taking lives, and might even take those of my own unit.
Hopefully I'll get my own island in Heaven, where no-one can emotionally harm me. Maybe my brain processes didn't develop much after the first few years of my life.
Hope God comes soon.
The world and everyone in it seems to be evil.
I'm done with all imageboards.
Not a single soul on this planet, and god doesn't seem to care much.
Guess I'm done with the internet. Just going to wait to die, then going to stay on my own island on the heaven planet.
Hopefully I can remove the thoughts of this place from my mind - they don't deserve any of the space that is part of me.
Hope all of you who treated me poorly will enjoy the fact that you're going to become wormfood and then wormshit. Enjoy hell.
>Guess I'm done with the internet.
Whenever I say this I come back in a couple days. There just isn't much other stuff to do. Well there is but there isn't much else to do that doesn't require putting in effort.
i don't want to ever see another person again.
WHY CANT I GET A JAPANESE RENTAL SISTER TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND MY FEELS!!!??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think it would be neat if everyone everywhere didn't act exactly 100% identical to everyone everywhere else but thats probably asking too much
Would be funny if you were the same person complaining that people who didn't want to see CP on this board are just normalfags.
Add the ability to hide threads, or get more mods, so that faggot shit like this doesn't stay up:
https://neet.moe/neet/thread/5732
^ ^
<(•‿•)>
Maybe I do want a little bit of attention
I almost never interact with women, but I do find the constant circlejerking about how terrible they are tedious. I don't have a horse in that race, so I don't care. It's just boring.
I don't care about anyone's feelings, I don't need anyone, I'm done with people, I'm not a nice person, I want to keep myself isolated from all of them and so no one will bother me
tbh imageboards users are mostly retards. nothing new there but the annoying part is their superiority when they're actually just faggots who act like redditors with a different coat of paint
yeh honestly this complaint is boring and not new but still. theyre just really annoying and gay.
I can't stop thinking about the rest of the world and hide from it. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get the internet out of my head. I can't get the people outside out of my head. I want to be alone and forget the rest of the world exists, but I can't stop thinking about it.
No matter how many days and years pass I never really forget anything... Whenever I have bad experiences they stick with me forever and don't go away. No matter how trivial or minor.
What's the point? Why is my brain doing this to me?
hopefully if i stay away from outside and the internet long enough i can finally forget
how did i end up like this? i feel i was always like this but i don't know why. and i'm sure i'm worse now then I was. this feels horrible. everything feels horrible. i try to be optimistic but my brain just keeps releasing the pain chemicals every day all the time it never stops. i keep trying to rationalize it away and it gets duller but it never goes away
I'm jumping ship. This place was fun though.
>>6146
thank for relating hope you're doing well
I would rather know the truth than be told something nice just to be forgotten about
I dunno.
I fucking hate cellphones and the consumertards that insist that everything requires a cellphone also this bullshit european law that locked me out of paypal because I didn't think to update my phone number, every online merchant insists that you give them your phone number so they can rape you in the butt and sell it to the highest bidder. and fuck puri.sm for taking forever to send me a librem 5 which i ordered in fucking 2019 and still haven't recieved at least if and when I get it I will be able to shut those fuckers up and sever the cellular connection if need be.
for all web developers this is how you make a good site!
http://toastytech.com/about/perfect.html
also consumertards defined in detail here:
http://toastytech.com/about/consumertard.html
At least proton mail doesn't require you add a cell phone number unlike scroogle or micro$hit.
>>6249
yeah i never got that why does everywhere keep asking for my number what do they even need it for
I am currently in consooming mode. I will now consoom as much of the stuff i want to consume as i can. when the consuming mode is over, i will finally do something with my life. I predict it will end when 2023 hits, maybe 2024
>>6252
You can sometimes get around the cell phone requirement on email providers by setting your date of birth such that you're too young to have a cell phone or for them to legally collect data on you.
>>6253
I'll probably be dead in 2024
>>6254
cool hack I'll try that next time, also 10 minute mail and mailinator are good and when they fail make a throwaway protonmail account.
paypal, to be fair to them, does let you use a boomer phone but I have no one to call so I just have a pay and go card. also exploding sand niggers prompted a bullshit law to make you tie your id card to your sim card, since the few people who want to keep in touch with me know I would never consent to such an invasion of privacy registered with their id for me. however it doesn't make much difference as my phone rarely has it's battery in. Also Martin Cooper hates cellphones and Alexander Graham Bell refused to have a boomer phone in his office!
>>6252
To quote Nathan Lineback
>No, I don't even have anyone else I could borrow a cell phone from.
>I'm all alone in this world. It sucks to be me.
>But that raises a question
>Google lets me enter any phone number
>so how the FUCK does that even prove it is me?
>Right, it doesn't, it JUST SELLS CELL PHONES!
Recently Yandex required a cellphone although I doubt that every babushka in Siberia actually has/needs one hence why they didn't require it in the first place I can imagine that the cellular network in Russia is about as good as the electricity network at the time of the tsar. Stalin is probably having a wet dream in the Kremlin wall about this!
I'm so dead inside. Wish I knew what it was like not to be. Some people seem so animated and so invested in stupid stuff and it's weird but it seems fun and like another world.
It just seems so fun... When people talk about things passionately like they're so interested in it and could maintain interest in it forever. It just seems weird to me that they're really so passionate about it and i wish i could understand that
There's a massive spider in my room. I lost it and I know it's in there but not where. It's the middle of the night, and i'm too scared to go back into my room so i'm in the bathroom.
Spiders can go to hell.
Not being in my room makes me miss it. I guess you only realize what you had once it's gone... Damn you spider demiurge.
MY CAT JUST CHEWED THROUGH MY MOUSE CABLE NOW IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EthnlYVhbX8
I don't have much to say. I wrote a blog post complaining about my life and parents but then I went to the bathroom, came back and read it and thought this it was useless.
I will move out from this house eventually because while I'm thankful for the food I get to eat daily I hate the fact that it is free.
I've been trying to fight monsters while taking care not to become one and following and reading the Tao knowing full well it is a cope and a sublime ideology as Zizek notes.
I'm also doing martial arts, callisthenics and lifting with my self-made weights. Training in my own room. Similar to what Satou from the NHK mentioned at the beginning of the anime.
My only dream in life is to become independent enough so I can escape from this house and visit Japan (alone or not) and I will work and do my best to make it true. There's many roads to get a plane ticket there and I'm aware that my parents can help me. Mentioning my dreams out loud doesn't feel correct so I hope at least someone gets inspired by this post.
>>6373
my mum when i mentioned japan might be a neat place to live: "ew no there's tons of dirty pervs there why there"
good luck sista
>>6373
if i lived in japan i would probably have had the right help, no one even knows what a hikikomori is here anyway.
Sometimes I get the urge to eat a lot, then I hate myself for what I just did
I don't want to become a whale, anons...
>>6398
I already am, I don't want to get worse
When I was a kid I was so fat that my knees would hurt a lot so I could not even stand for long
I don't have anything to say about anything. It really annoys me that I don't care about anything.
i think it would be fun to become one of those edgy youtubers who walks in the middle of nowhere with a camera and talks about esoteric bullshit
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING PAYWALL ON INTERNATIONS WHAT IS THIS ALBATROSS BULLSHIT ALL I WANT IS A BASIC ACCOUNT JUST TO ASK ASK WEATHER ANY JAPANESE WOMEN WOULD BE WILLING TO HELP A HIKKI LIKE ME!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
death can't come soon enough
I can't make it either
fuck this instinct of self preservation
I fucking hate private courier services who don't ring your doorbell and dump your parcel at some stupid bistrot instead of the fucking post office I hate having to play musical chairs with openstreetmap just to find my parcels. another thing that ticks me off especially with faggots like DPD and DHL is that they send your package back in less than a fortnight unlike the national post service. if i had my way i would have them all nationalized and brought under state control like a legalist emperor would!
Where'd all these people come from, anyway?
I wish someone would obsess over me in the way I want
I'm lonely
>>6762
I don't even need someone available 24/7
At least if someone even tried to talk daily to me, or weekly, that would be enough
I don't even talk a lot, I wouldn't use a lot of time
I'm so sick of feeling anxious/ashamed/restless/ all the time. What is this feeling and why is it just constantly lingering in the background? I'd also describe it as a 'rushed' feeling, or feeling like i'm forgetting something, or feeling like there's something I need to do that i'm distracting myself from but I don't know what that thing is. That's probably just anxiety or OCD or something. The shame is probably a different thing altogether.
I am extremely, obnoxiously, unreasonably ashamed of my existence and thoughts and feelings and entire being to it's core, for no reasons especially, and I have no clue how I got this way. It's... really pervasive. I wonder what an existence without such burdens would be like. I want to feel unburdened and light, but I feel weighed down by so many things that, by all means, should be quite trivial, but don't feel like it. The giant bundle of shame that's accumulated inside of me becomes completely impossible to ignore when I talk to anyone. Everything I say or that someone else says sets of some kind of shame association that somehow got lodged into this worthless reptilian brain at some point or another. Why so many of them? It's not that deep brain-kun; I'm actually pretty cool, and even if I were irredeemably trash, it literally wouldn't matter...
>for the past 2 hours I imagined myself as the lead singer of a metal band
>doing concerts, banging groupies, going on talk shows, and hanging out with my band bros
>snapped out of it and realized I'm a pathetic faggot and a poser
daydreaming is all I have anymore
Parents are never active in the growth of their children - which is their most important job.
You won't know anything, unless you're taught - but parents never go out of their way to teach their children the things they'll need as adults.
Without a proper start to life, children will fail. And without a proper connection with your children, you'll never notice their problems.
My parents were never around and never in the slightest cared about me. If they did, they'd notice that I have severe mental problems, and severe mental limitations. If they did, they could've helped me get in special schools and, as an adult, helped me get a job that I'd be able to handle, or at the least get me diagnosed so that I can collect disability pay.
>>6862
my own story goes the other way my parents abused me and passed me off as a sperg to hide their abuse, but that plan backfired when I moved out got spergbux and eventually divorced them
I may be out of the loop since I hate cellphones but why are cameras on iThings so UGLY why do thots need three FUCKING lenses, I mean it's not going to improve the quality of their narcissistic selfies!? every time I see one of those bitches sticking their cum encrusted tongues out in the mirror with one of those ridiculous iThings I just want to punch the bitch in the face and throw their stupid toy cellphone on the pavement and curb stomp it!
>stay over one night with sister
>sister asks how i'm doing and what i'll be doing with my future
>try to dodge around the question
>sister proceeds to whinge about "you only have one life"
why do normies love to make things so fucking awkward, jesus christ
I'M JAPANESE
SON OF A BITCH ONLYFANS
ONLYTHOT IS PIG
DO YOU WANT A DILDO?
DO YOU WANT A SELFIE?
ONLYTHOT IS PIG DISGUSTING
BELLE DELPHINE IS A CUNT
FUCKING 3D BITCH
Somewhere during my first few years of being a neet, I used to not take showers or brush my teeth.
Now, lot of my teeth are out, broken, or SEVERELY rotting.
I do brush now, every day, but the damage has been done. Now I look like a hillbilly and my teeth are constantly hurting. I just want the pain to go away, so I can have a normal day.
>>7249
it's an error of nature that teeth evolved nerves why can't silly dentists just disconnect them, oh wait they earn their keep from root canal procedures.
>>7249
>not take showers or brush my teeth
Me right now
I have warm water but it still is a fucking chore
Toothpaste tastes horrible, why couldn't they make it tasteless instead
I have always hated mint flavor
>>7266
based if toothpaste tasted like distilled water i would use it more often. also fuck dentists who don't disconnect the nerves of the teeth and fuck quacks who circumcise newborn babies. these two assholes will go on to ruin the guys sexual fun as an adult and love of candy as a kid.
I hate living with others. I'm living with my mother and her new bf. And now some relative or friend of her bf is going to move into this small house with us.
I hate people and I escpecially hate these ones. They got their pensions and don't care about the future of anyone else and will continue virtue-signalling from the comfort of the house they could afford back then with their pensions that no-one will ever get again.
If I had a place of my own and my own income, then I'd never make contact with any of these demons again, and would wish then a soon and painful death. they won't be burning in hell, because they don't have souls to begin with.
Sucks to be an alpha surrounded by all these beta faggots that I have to live with. I have to fight against god himself.
Hopefully god stops being such a bpd faggot.
>wagie says he doesn't do youtube for money
>cries that his vids don't make much and that yewtube does not care about him
I hate this
I can't get anything in my head out of my head in a way that satisfies me.
Expression is too limited.
There is something severely wrong with me.
1 |Y|155 13375|>34|<
I'm thinking that it'd be nice if we could get others to help us push for a no-requirements euthanasia. Then we'd be able to solve our problems(of living).
The program would just be you going to make an appointment at the hospital and then you'd have to wait 2 weeks. After the 2 weeks you can use one of their rooms for 30 mins. You don't have to build any extra buildings since it'd be a service REQUIRED at each hospital.
The only requirements are that you're a proper adult(either 21 or 25), and that you have a 2 week waiting period(like with guns) to reconsider.
>>7479
based, so many mass shootings have occurred because it's easy to trick a cop into blowing your brains out. In my country euthanasia is legal but the application forms are a nightmare, and require at least 3 people you trust mark their accord, where's a hikki like me going to find three people who love me enough to not abuse me and delight in my suffering to grant my wish, that's why I have a noose which i dubbed the exit line, hopefully it will not break like the last one did.
>>7479
Also the national spending in my country is bullshit! we waste far to much on keeping old people alive and far too little on science and research, If i was in power not only would i require a dedicated exit ward but I would require hospitals to scrap patients who are over the age of retirement, It would solve all the organ donor problems and would alleviate a lot of suffering. If some people want to keep their grandparents alive they would have to pay for them entirely themselves, If they needed hospitalization, the hospital would charge 50% extra to keep them alive, however euthanasia would be free, and the descendants get payed in full if they donate the cadaver to medical science. however ordinary scrapping won't give them any money. not only would the budgets for science be increased but NEETs and Hikkis everywhere would see a substantial raise in their spergbux!
I am rotting while I make someone suffer and everyone else goes on as normal
I wish I could reset everything so I could experience genuine joy again
I'm alone, I have to pretend everything is fine not to make anyone upset
If I talk about it I end up feeling worse, I just waste time, I should keep it to myself, others can't help me, they'll feel bad for a minute and forget it by the next
It has always been hard to trust anyone
I'll go nowhere
It appears that my other brother is also going to leave the country. That means I have no plan for when my mother dies, since no-one in my family know or cares enough about me.
Maybe if my parents didn't get divorced, and my father was around, then I might've had the motivation to get a job and leave home. If someones beginning isn't steered properly, then they'll fail. But of course no-one ever steers anyone. They just have children to show off for a while and then expect them to raise themselves. Parents will even spend their inheritance, because they don't care about what happens to them once they die.
The world is shit, and god is pretty shitty.
It's depressing and making me angry at god that I'm no able to function normally.
I just hope that he somehow makes things work out for me without having me have to go outside. I'm hoping I can find someone to leech off of when my mother dies.
>>7697
>It's depressing and making me angry at god that I'm no able to function normally.
Functioning normally in this gayed up world would mean being a faggot. God is trying to save you from the hellworld humans have created by preventing you from participating in it. The Devil is merely tempting you into wanting to participate in society. Functioning normally = degeneracy in 2022
I go from 0 to furious pretty quickly. I hate having my "routine" disrupted. I don't know why people can't just keep their bs to themselves sometimes, instead of burdening and ruining my days. Everyone should pay for their own mistakes and not EXPECT others to do things for them.
I hope god comes down soon and kills all these golem retards. I hate him so much right now, but I hope that he'll one-day stop being useless and shine even just a tiny bit of light in my life.
What I hate about living with others, is that I know that they're not good and that they only pretend to be good, and they only pretend to be nice to get something. So I always end up being hurt by everyone. They always reveal their true nature when they get angry(they're demons), or even slightly inconvenienced.
I hope god frees me from this place soon.
If I had earthly power, then I'd distance myself from the demons, and try to make them suffer. Maybe try to make them homeless and find someway to give them a permanent reminder(like getting rid of their legs or arms. anything to make them constantly suffer).
A good indicator of a golem is that they can't stay the same no matter what. they try to hide their nature, like how some spiders hide in the sand.
But one-day I'll be free from this flesh-prison that god put me in(to "grow"). But he is delaying it as long as possible, because he knows that he's incompetent and that I'll receive infinite power(that I was born with) and punish him.
But I'll have mercy on him if he ends the life-duration of my flesh soon.
I live in a shitty part of the world where the infrastructure is so shit, that we have schedules for when we have power. That's what happens when the demon-flood comes for your country.
Anyone else have the permanently tired look?
We're having another person move in with us. That means that there'd be 2 retired guys and me as a neet living in the same house. I won't get any peace. Luckily I've overcome the bad habits, like jacking off, lifting weights and eating and drinking in excess.
>>2711
Both are wrong choices.
Choose to cut females from your life.
Don't listen to songs that have female artists. Don't watch movies that have female main characters.
Etc.
They are demons. Don't waste a single second on something that's evil/completely useless and cancerous.
>>7854
you could try to get them euthanized or put poison in their drinks, no doubt they are fragile little pill poppers and all it takes is to study their medication and find a substance that will make it lethal. or if they are irritable and have a heart problem you could get in a heated row with them and say something so offensive to them that they explode loose control and have a heart attack. when someone comes to clean up the mess tell them that you warned them that they were getting too mad but they wouldn't listen and then their hearts popped.
I'm back to thinking about suicide again. I've been looking up methods, but nothing good yet.
I want to hang myself, but there's nothing to tie the noose(made from a cable) to, and I'm very heavy, so I have to consider that if/when I can find a place.
I hope god comes soon.
>>7922
don't use a cable, i tried that once and it broke. what you need is a good rope.
also i found that if I broke some of the banister rails on the stairs I could attach the rope and have a sufficient enough drop, also if you stuff wads of toilet paper in between the rope and your carotid arteries the lack of oxygen will enable you to pass out and it will be over before you know it.
I can't even isolate myself properly from the outside, because I live so far in the city. The sidewalk is only a few feet away. Annoying, loud people everywhere. Planes above, trains only 2 blocks away. Annoying loud kids living next door. Constant power-outages.
The worst part is how bad I feel for not having a job.
Suicide is really the only option.
I was miserable when I had a job. And the worst part is that I live in a country where EVERYONE is a demon. Why would I let myself be tortured by demons?
I hope God can help me in some way soon.
No-one will help me, because no-one wants to waste their time with someone that has no value. Absolutely no-one cares. If only my parents could've kept it in their pants like I do.
There's nothing to fall back on. If I become homeless, then I'd be out on the streets of a country that's worse than any 3rd world violent shithole. I need to DESPERATELY find a way to kill myself.
People have a lot of free-time after work 18:00(after dinner) until 24:00. That's 6 hours of time to do whatever. I could've had a job and not have any worries, and still had TONS of free, enjoyable time. But now I just stress over what I'm going to do in the future. I'd have had some money to spend to, instead of using 20 year old tech and playing the same, painful, terrible games from back then. But I'd say my biggest stress is seeing all the tons of homeless people and worrying about that being me soon. I doubt I'd be able to kill myself, and I also don't have anyone that cares about me to give me a place to stay. My only hope is that something positive and random will happen in the future. But it won't. The world is mathematical and fixed by laws/rules. It's suffer or die painfully on the street where you'll be robbed and abused by sadist(99% of those in the world are soulless demons. So you can imagine how you'd be treated if they got a chance at you).
If any of you can: ask God to send some light into my life. Thank you if you do.
Looking through the threads. Kind of helpful: https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/how-to-hang-yourself.1183/page-117
At least there's some kind of movement. Not much though. They should try to push for laws to allow/force hospitals to have no-requirement euthanasia programs.
https://www.therighttonolongerexist.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/TheRightToNoLongerExist/videos
Don't know why I suddenly feel so shitty.
I can't see any way out of my current situation.
I just hope I can get some help from someone, but I don't think he'll still have a strong enough bond with me to consider helping me.
All my paths have ended and all I can do now is hope that some random event will happen to change/correct my life (doubt it though. Nothing good will ever happen to me), or that I find some way, and courage, to end my life.
I knew my brother had a good life, but when I went on his facebook page, I couldn't believe how good he had it. He has a family. He vacations overseas. He took part in gaming tournaments.
And here I am. I have nothing. I'm just leaching off of whoever I can. I have no pension plan and can't even drive a car.
I hate where my life went. It'll never be good.
He is happy and I'm here thinking about how good suicide will be.
I want to be a kid again
I was happy
I wonder if having a responsibility forced on you would be able to give you the drive needed to find/keep a job. Like what if the government forced everyone to marry. Then you'd have to take care of your wife, and at least be able to make enough money to rent a room or a flat in someones backyard.
I think I'd be able to get out of my situation if that happened.
>>7987
If i was forced to have a wife I would consider her my property, she would not be allowed any possessions money or clothes, she would effectively be forced to walk naked around my house cooking and cleaning for me, she would even have to cut up my food and feed it to me. when she voiced even the slightest opinion she would be silenced with a loud scold of "No-one's asking you to think female, you can make yourself useful fetch me a piss jug and clean it out when I'm done."
>>7982
If I could become a kid again while retaining my memories and experience I would date a pedowoman with big breasts, I would have her adopt me and would sleep on her using her tits as a dakimakura, I would always insist to be carried around like a cat and would live like a NEET king, she would have the good traits of motherly love and waifu sex. when I was a little kid I was already a massive wanker before my balls had even dropped and had a fetish for women much larger than myself. she would be more indulgent than cartman's mom and would never say no to me. If she needed persuasion I would start whining to convince her.
Also in china there is a culture where the mother sucks her boy's ochinchin to help him get to sleep because kissing is considered too sexual desu.
I fucking hate sleeping so much!!! I hate being tired and want to find a way to stay awake for a week and a half or longer!!! I just gulped down an entire 8 pack of red bull just to stay awake!!! Why can't transhumanism turn me into an android and create a 2D nirvana filled with all our waifus?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Why is my country filled with retarded sub-human sand-niggers! why couldn't we have spent our government money on importing Japanese people to modernize our culture and our economy!!!
>just found out my mom used £1000 for fucking gambling
I hate women. So. Fucking. Much.
I feel terrible for how cold and angry I've gotten.
I don't know why. I used to be the perfect person. I was kind to everyone and smiled at everyone and tried to help others with anything I could.
I guess I got tired of constantly being attacked. I just keep telling myself that they're all demons, and that the only reason why they'd ever pretend to be nice, is to gain something.
No-one actually cares about another person.
God only made a limited amount of souls, and that's why you'd never run into an actual god person.
Hopefully, when I get to Heaven, I'd learn to be free of my anger, and maybe I could do nice things with others, like having a picnic and playing board-games, etc.
I hope I can become the kind of person God wants me to be. I'm tired of being the person I'm right now.
Can't even peacefully play a game without having to deal with cancerous no-iq golem niggers.
jfc
Why doesn't god just kill these dumb niggerfaggots that do nothing but be a cancer.
I'm trying to keep reminding myself that other's ONLY have demonic reasons for their actions.
I used to force myself to think of a nice reason why people did shit things, like maybe it was an accident, etc. But that's all bs. EVERYONE is a demon, and I'm stuck dealing with them. I just distance myself from them and don't engage with them. They don't deserve a second of my time. I am a god, and they are not a part of my life. This is what's causing them all to kill themselves like the beta losers they are. Ha :)
At least no-one here is as much of a loser as those that post here: https://alogs.space/cow/
For some reason, I felt drawn back here. I feel an endless cavity; An insatiable appetite; A profound, incorrigible emptiness. I drift the world aimlessly, forever searching for fullness and satisfaction. But i'll remain eternally dissatisfied. It hurts. It aches. I'm restless. Deep longing is tugging at me, pulling me in an endless deluge of directions, and it's tearing me slowly to shreds. I'm in purgatory, aren't I? That's why i'm all alone here. Because this is purgatory. That has to be it.
I want to jump off a building, and for my flesh to splat onto the pavement, and for all the blood and organs to splay messily across the it. Like paint on a canvas. There will be no need to express things to the world, because all of me will become one with it. A nonpareil, sempiternal expression. I will no longer yearn for something beyond myself, because I will be everything... When I think about it like that, maybe i'm yearning deeply for death without even realizing it.
That's enough dramatism. Goodbye.
I want to be everything and nothing.
I'll never feel okay.
Soon. I'll ascend soon. I can feel it. I don't have to give into despair. I can do it. I'll find weightlessness. I'll see more.
Life is meaningless. Nothing matters. It matters so little, and if I just remember this single fact, I can cleanse myself and break off the chains shackling me.
Expression is imperfect, and I feel the need to precursor that I may not have said what I wanted, or may have failed to get across well what I meant. Regardless, it's meaningless, and words don't have to represent me. Whatever being represented by my words even means. I'm just a mess of whims and desires, and a collection of thoughts bundled together from an environment into a meat suit. There's nobody here, obviously, and the notion that I exist is a lie borne by inebriation. I'm drunk on ego.
Words can exist for no reason, and people may interpret them in ways which don't matter, and vomit may be where it is.
Ethics matter, by the way.
I want noodles.
I want friends.
But then, what's the point of friends. Expressing anything to anyone is probably meaningless, or possibly not, but I bet it's pointless.
Now i've confused myself.
Why hide? All or nothing. Spill your entire worthless brain into text like your body would spill by gravity onto a pavement.
There need not be sense.
There need not be meaning.
There need not be coherence.
What even is there to aim for?
Suffering ought to be reduced. That's true. But i'm a mess of irrational, confusing aspects, and things just happen as they do, in service of no actual goal. My brain isn't an axiom, it's a messy bundle of things and exists because it does.
I should try tulpamancy again. I got so bored the first time I tried it and was certain it wouldn't work, so I gave up. I don't have enough creativity/suggestibility. But it has a better chance of working than actual friendship would, so I may as well try again kek.
Less painful too.
die die die die die die die meaningless cringe and trash and shit and bad and bad and shit autism.
existence is pain existence is pain existence is pain existence is pain desires are pain desires are pain being is pain ego is pain ego is pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain desires are pain murdered by desires desire is the root of suffering everything is desire everything is desire those who desire are wretched i desire i am therefore wretched existence is desire desire is pain therefore existence is pain i want i i want i want i want i want i want i want more more more more more more more more more more
ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego egi ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego
I don't get it i don't understand i don't get it i don't know i don't know i don't get it i don't understand i don't get it i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't get it i don't get it i don't get it being is confusing i don't get it i dont know i dont know i dont know
i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death i want ego death
bye.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP6EEKpdfUM
I recommend this beautiful piano piece from the visual novel 'The House in Fata Morgana'.
I know nothing about suffering. I've had one of the easiest lives of anyone in history. I don't understand visceral pain. I don't understand hopelessness that drives you to think death is the only escape. Because I have had it easy. I've always had it very, very easy.
I've never been flayed alive, or been abused, or been physically bullied, or dealt with mass harassment. I've never suffered from a terminal illness, or dealt with chronic pain, or had a heart attack or stroke. I've never passed a kidney stone, or been stabbed over and over, or been suffocated. I've never gone to war, or ever feared for my life. I haven't even ever broken a bone. I've never been bereft of shelter, or food, or water, or any of my basic necessities. If anything i've lived far above excess.
I'm not happy - I'm profoundly, chronically dissatisfied - but I know nothing about real pain. About it's severity, about the depths of it's badness, about how traumatic it can be, about it's visceral, deep weight. I can intellectualize about it, I can sympathize, and feel sorrow when I know others have been hurt. But I haven't suffered enough to truly comprehend what it was like for them.
What was it like for Junko Furuta? It must have been so unbearably horrific; beyond words, and I haven't suffered enough to truly grasp how visceral it was. In china, racoon dogs are skinned alive. It makes my stomach churn, and yet I can't even find the courage to do something as trivial by comparison as slit my wrist. Imagine having your entire body flayed while you were still living! It's too deeply painful for me to empathize with. I can only understand that's it's deeply, profoundly bad, and undeniably the most valuable thing in existence. What would it be like to be harassed and bullied to the point of suicide? How hopeless must that feel? To know that you're all alone in such deep pain? Throughout history, there have been such inhumane forms of torture... To actually experience them must be unbearable.
I'm irrelevant. I really, really am. My pain matters; because all pain matters; and yet it's trivial compared to the worst in the world. I'm so concerned with all the stupid matters in my ego, and in the meanwhile, somebody is spending each day in agony, WISHING they could live the life I am. I almost feel like I want to suffer so I can empathize better. My motives aren't pure. I only want to prevent suffering to feel good about myself. To feel like my life has meaning. And yet i'd sacrifice my ego if it was necessary. But I wouldn't sacrifice my life.
I may not have suffered much myself, but i'm drawn to people who have. When people show the vulnerability to express their pain, it humanizes them... Humanizing others is something I have trouble with. I'm losing track of what I meant to say... Yet it's there where I realize how powerless I really am. I see them describe their pain, and find myself uninterested, unable to genuinely care about anything their saying. Or maybe because it's not about me, I can't focus on it. I have alot of confusion in me about who I should be, and who I actually am, and most of all, how I should spend my time; how I should live my life.
I can't keep in mind what really matters. I can't invest myself and commit deeply to my values, even though I believe them wholeheartedly. I had a friend once. I said some mean things to her, and found that I felt no guilt about it at all. I... Don't care about others. I am a horrible person. I haven't suffered enough to be better. I don't have the perspective needed to stay on track of what's right. I can't do what's needed to help anyone. All I care about is feeling good about myself. It's all about me. I know that's human nature, and yet i'm ashamed I can't do better. I didn't quite convey what I wanted, but I said something, and it was close enough.
I'm completely worthless. What a pathetic, meaningless, noncommittal, self-indulgent life I live. What a one-dimensional, eternally dull person I am. I love my ego, no matter how much I try to reject it. I shouldn't fear death, but like the writhing maggot I am, I do. I'm too special to die, I probably think. But i'm nothing special. My sentience is equal to every other sentience. That is all there is.
>>11754
By the way
>I had a friend once. I said some mean things to her, and found that I felt no guilt about it at all.
All online, of course. And it only lasted a month. Been friendless since.
In every way, i'm unsubstantial and lowly. I'm not good enough. I must be better or I must die.
I am bored. Not enough variety in my thoughts. Not enough variety in my feelings. It'd drab, inane and mindnumbing. It's going to be very tedious dealing with this for another 40 years or so.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. i'm trapped.
What am I doing here? Why am I stuck down here?
Let me go.
Let me go already.
Jerked off for 4 hours. Got cum all over myself, and i'm not going to shower, but no ego death. What a shame.
Do I even want ego death, anyway? I'm pretty sure I just want to disassociate from the world. I look at my family, and I think, "That's my family." My brain 'knows' that, even though it doesn't actually mean anything. I want to look at those people and have absolutely no thoughts about it. I want to look at myself in the mirror, and look at other humans and think, "Wow, these creatures look fucking bizarre. What even is this?" And yeah, I do that, but in my brain there's a certain familiarity to these things that makes them appear mundane, and prevents me from seeing the familiar for how odd it really is.
I guess I just want to be... unconditioned. Unsocialised. Unengaged with all the symbols of things. Detached completely and utterly from everyone. I don't actually know what I want, or what i'm saying. I want to transcend something though, and it has to do with a certain thing that my brain is attached to. I'm pretty sure of that at least.
Cope with my blogposting, faggots.
I've done nothing but jerk off on the floor, refresh the same three imageboards and stare at the wall these last couple days. Doing things is meaningless anyway. I guess i'll do something eventually. I brought 'Suffering-focused ethics: defence and implications' by Magnus Vinding. It might be a good read, maybe not. It'll only really affirm the values I already hold. I hear he supports transhumanism as the endgoal of humanity to end suffering, but his logic for that can be used against him. We should prolong humanity long enough to attain transhumanism and end all suffering in the universe? IF (We won't, trust me) we ever gained the technology for such grand feats, wouldn't humans just use it to create MORE suffering with it? If you have faith in humans not to misuse technology, I don't know what to tell you. I am interested in his insights on the axiomatic value of suffering and what he has to say regarding that, at least.
I got off topic. Is there a topic? Who cares. I'm going to die anyway. This didn't even happen.
I suppose I have to put a bare minimum into maintaining my meat suit. I'm told I look like a caveman, and i'm inclined to agree, but i'm never going to be 2D, so frankly, paying attention to my appearance is meaningless. But if I don't pay the bare mininum, it'll of course come back to bite me eventually. My teeth are decaying - For many years I didn't brush them - and I really should visit the dentist sometime when I can be bothered. I wonder if they could even whiten my teeth. They're not very pleasant to look at, i'll say.
I do struggle a little to fully detach from thinking about the aesthetics of my meat suit. It does at least act as my visual representation, and I should probably get it as close to my ideal look as I should be able too. On the other hand, I only have two - perhaps contrary - objectives in life. The reduction of suffering to both myself and to others, and also, self-indulgence in my own personal pursuits of mental exultation. I haven't thought much about the practicalities of the former, besides the fact that I went vegan a while ago, and as for the latter... I have many vague ideas about that.
I've expressed the vague sentiment with words like 'ego death', 'ascension', 'detachment', 'transcendence' and so on. Which should probably suffice to convey the sort of mental state i'm trying to attain. Perhaps, in Buddhist terms, you could also refer to it as moksha, or enlightenment. I cannot predict my future, and as I am a young adult, I will have many years ahead to attempt to fulfil this. It seems obvious I will need the assistance of substances, which I have thus far been too lazy and apathetic to attempt to attain. Alternatively, there are also avenues of self-hypnosis, which I am quite certain is an interlinked phenomenon on the topic of self-transcendence, and of course, mindfulness and meditation. I have also considered 'Infornography' as a means of my aims. By which I mean, the pursuit of knowledge in understanding of the world. With a deeper understanding of things, it should allow to see past the surface level of my day to day existence, and hopefully, therefore, allow me to transcend it. I am not stupid, but I am unfortunately ignorant on a wide variety of very salient topics, which I should like to amend. Emotional blunting and stoicism have also entered my consideration, as means of surpassing my emotional limitations, which unfortunately control me more than I control them.
I confuse myself.
I wish I had a friend.
Doing anything feels really meaningless. Doesn't feel like I can do anything about that cause' it's true. Everything is meaningless, and everything feels pointless, so it makes sense, right? People seem to live for hedonism, but the hedonism cope stopped working for me ages ago. It's no longer good enough to me to just live for dopamine, cause it doesn't feel that good anyway. And no amount of it will make me feel less empty and dysphoric. Everything goes back to suffering, huh? I shouldn't be surprised. It's the cornerstone of value, after all.
Doing things is pointless. But I exist and have to fill time. Pretty lame dilemma. Or something. Who knows what I actually wanted to say.
So I need to find a way to suffer less. And maybe then i'll be freed to focus my attention elsewhere.
Nope. Too confusing. Have no clue what I should do.
It's all about escaping from pain, right? Surely that's why people choose to commit suicide. They're in pain. They want the pain to stop. Death would make the pain stop. Being human really is one long, tedious exercise in pain-avoidance. Every last picosecond of it. Every single aspect, it all comes back to pain-avoidance. Existence is a fundamental deficit. Nonexistence is 0, but existence is -1. Sentient beings exist in perpetual deficit, and that deficit manifests as desire. You fulfil desires, and more takes that place. For an instant, perhaps, you reach -0.5, but then your brain finds new deficits and brings you back to that -1. If existence is a perpetual ebb and flow between deficit and the attempt to fill that deficit, then it's only logical that what humans really need is to cease to exist. The promortal view is correct - it's rational. At least, it's rational to the man who understands the axiomatic value of suffering.
If I were an unfeeling, completely rational robot, I would do one of two things. Make use of my existence to lessen the suffering of others. Or, if I felt insufficient to the task, I would just kill myself. I'm pretty odd, because I fear death. Very, very deeply. Outcasts seem to tend towards not fearing death as much, but i'm not really one of those people. I can't cope with the entire duality of existence or nonexistence at all. I yearn for a third, incomprehensible option, which certainly doesn't exist - because as irrational as it probably is, the entire duality of life and death strikes me as existentially repugnant and lovecraftian. The logic keeps indicating to me that death ought not to be feared, but my likely irrational intuition is trying to tell me that i'm missing something important here.
Anyway, that's why i'm obsessed with transcending pain in other ways. Death would certainly be the easiest, but as I won't be picking that option, I have to reach my moksha some other way. That is, until my meat suit inevitably stops functioning in a couple decades. Somewhere in my motivations, there also seems to be a yearning to understand things, but again, this goes back to pain avoidance, as it's just another desire that will make me suffer if I don't fulfil it. If there wasn't pain, then surely everything would be utterly indifferent to me.
All this talk of suffering and it's avoidance and bla bla bla... Don't get me wrong, it does bore me to think about the same things all the time, but it's just a consequence of my way of thinking that all my thoughts inevitably return to the same topics. I have a very bottom-to-top way of thinking. By which I mean that i'm concerned with the bottommost layer, the axioms, of my thoughts and what motivates me. It's my nature to try to understand things. To reexamine absolutely everything until i've digested it down to it's absolute core principles, and then to rebuild my mental landscape on those indubitable foundations. I ended up this way by asking myself over and over what purpose my actions serve, what purpose they should serve, where meaning and value actually exists. I don't take any conclusion for granted, nor do I hold any sacred cows, but after mulling it over endlessly for years, I end up at some conclusion which I consider to be more or less irrefutable. Not because I stop scrutinizing it, but because the foundation I manage to distill manages to hold up to whatever scrutiny I throw at it. That's how I came to the conclusion that suffering is the cornerstone of all value.
And once I had constructed in my head that impenetrable landscape, I became anchored to it. It became as good as truth to me as long as it continued to hold up to my endless scrutiny. I could no longer justify any actions I took that didn't serve the conclusions the landscape in my brain had spit out. I had to build all of my actions on top of that landscape, or they made no sense to me. But... I'm still human, and i'm still irrational. It's like i've figured out that 2+2=4, while parts of my ape brain are still trying to tell me that it's 5.
Who am I if most of my thoughts, actions, motivations, sense of self - my entire identity... Who am I if very little of who I am and what is happening in my head make sense to me? They call this cognitive dissonance, right? The clash between the logical me, and the emotional irrational ape me has produced a deep cognitive dissonance that's rooted me in place and left me immobile. And now nothing makes sense to me anymore. Perhaps it never did.
I like Tohno Minagi.
Why do I put my thoughts to words? I don't know. I feel compelled to do it, but I don't know exactly why.
I'm may just be lonely, but I think the truth is much more cynical than that.
But it's fine. I was destined to be the way I am. No point losing sleep over it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO53tXq0tMs
Ugh, this feeling... It's right there in front of me. It feels like I could just reach out my hand and grab it. But when I do, my hand slips through, and i'm left with a tightness in my chest. Yearning? Am I yearning? What am I yearning for? Oh, right... This is just the eternal deficit of existing. And i'll spend aaaaall my life trying to fill this hole like the silly ape I am, and nothing will ever suffice. That's how this goes, right?
Haha, I feel so fucking blue-balled... Like the universe or probably just brain-kun is waggling a carrot in front of my face, and i'm chasing it. It seems so close, and yet as I move closer, it moves away. It seems just in reach, but I never actually grasp it. Like i've been searching my entire life for some valuable trinket, and when it's finally within my sights, I try to grasp it, and find it slip through my hands as if it were just a hallucination. Like a yearning for the endless blue sky above. I don't have wings, so all I can do is reach out and try to grasp it. But that's stupid, right? You can't grasp the sky. Not even if you get in a plane. Because it's the sky, empty space painted blue and filled with white clouds that you pass right through. An ethereal thing that doesn't actually exist, even though you could swear it does. And to me, that ethereal thing is the concept of ever feeling satisfied or content. No such emotion exists. Existence is deficit. Satisfaction can only mean death. Ego death, or real death. As long as 'I' exist, there is no contentedness. That is the tragedy of sentience. Of the brain. Of being. Of our universe.
I can't help expressing this feeling. Not when it means literally everything. I don't know. I just don't. Tears are prickling at the corners of my eyes now, but they'll never actually flow enough to satisfy me. It's just another carrot on a stick. Oh well. Why on earth do I exist anyway? It's very strange.
I have a flair for the dramatic, don't I?
Somebody be my friend. I like visual novels, and books, and i'm passionate about ethics. I play games and watch anime sometimes. I like to think i'm open minded, but i'm a really boring person and super socially awkward. I don't relate to many people. I also struggle to care about other people. I'm a young Hikkineet who rarely goes outside, but that's because I don't have a reason to. I'm very isolated and don't even post on imageboards much. And... I don't know what else to say.
I'm going to stop posting now. When my brain gets itchy, I should just stare at the wall and try to kill my ego instead.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTCcR0KqVmk
I lied. I'm going to keep posting.
I just want to disconnect. I am WIRED to lots of things in meat-space. The notion of my existence exists in those who think I exist. I am WIRED to the concept of family, and I am connected to those people who see me as a symbol in that idea. The word imposes symbols on me, and connects, and wires, and socializes me into them. Hence, I want to disconnect and unWIRE, remove all the worthless baggage, and direct my every focus towards the things which are important: The things that bring me happiness, and the things that prevent others suffering. That's all. The wires are lodged deeply in me, connecting me to other things in the world. It'd be a long, tedious process to remove all of that unnecessary baggage. Very long - Like, meditating every day for years long. Unnecessary baggage. Lots of heavy baggage. Unnecessary. Arbitrary. Imposed. Unwanted.
Disassociate. Disconnect. unWIRE. Removal. Ascension. Disconnect. unWIRE... Wires lodged in my brain, irritating my brain, distracting me, forming connections I don't want, inserting information I don't need, feeding me lies that aren't true, programming me, enslaving me... I need to disconnect. I need to disassociate. I need to unWIRE.
I don't want to be connected to anyone or anything. I'm me. I'll live on my own terms and die on my own terms, and do what is rational. Everything else is in the way, and should be removed from my brain utterly.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
I want ego death. I need ascension. I need release. I'm being lied too by half-truths. Humans aren't humans, they're collections of particles. And that may not be true. I'm not me, i'm an experience. None of this is actually real, it's all a symbolic representation by my brain. Words don't mean anything, they're sounds, and sounds are just vibrations in the air. I'm nobody, my memories don't exist, concepts don't exist, words don't exist, symbols don't exist, identity doesn't exist, the social world doesn't exist.
I want ego death. I want to disassociate and ascend flesh and ego. Gods in beastly bodies, let me ascend. I'm an experience, my experience is of the 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Suffering is real.
I want ego death. I don't actually know what I want. I don't want anything to mean anything to me. I don't want to feel attachment to anything. I don't want the social world to mean anything to me. I don't want the symbolic world to mean anything to me. Like how a baby probably feels after first being born. I want ego death.
I ought to prevent suffering. I want to transcend my ego. I want to transcend everything. I should prevent suffering. I also want to transcend everything as well.
shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter
Haha, I miss golemanon. I wonder where he is now. You may think i'm being ironic, but i'm not. I enjoyed hearing him talk about his life while he was still here, and I was always silently rooting for him to find happiness.
I i i i i i i i yeah who is that? Who is saying this? Why and such. And other things.
nothing matters i'm not real blabla bla
obviously stuff actually matters but only because my brains a fag. if he wasn't a fag stuff that obviously doesn't matter wouldn't matter
words are things that exist. i say words. People interpret meanings. Words are meant to induce reactions in people. maybe even the self. actually who knows what words are supposed to do. anyway who cares right.
pain pain pain pain pain pain pain fear fear fear fear fear fear fear pain pain fear fear pain pain fear fear pain pain fear anxious restless pain pain fear fear
motive motive why why motive why motive why motive why motive why
This existence is wretched. Humans are wretched. We are wretched.
dissolution of the world and self while the perspective continues to watch. art is death media is death escapism is death humans want death they all look for death they all yearn for death and dissolution and don't even realize it
INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSATIABLE INSTIABLE INSATIABLE
yearn yearn more and more to yearn yearn art art art art art art music words expression art more satiation satisfaction
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
world yearn do action need ought action world satiate express more want want i don't get it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZgJWhBcXrs
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
P→P
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
Q→Q
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
¬P
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
¬Q
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
P∨Q
"yes, i'm the mahou shoujo riruru."
¬(P∨Q)=¬P∧¬Q
"YES, I'M THE MAHOU SHOUJO RIRURU."
¬(P∧Q)=¬P∨¬Q
"YES/I/'M/THE/MA/HO/U/SHO/U/JO/RI/RU/RU/."
¬∀x A (x)⇔∃x ¬A(x)
".RU/RU/RI/JO/U/SHO/U/HO/MA/THE/'M/I/YES"
¬∃x A (x)⇔∀x ¬A(x)
"RU/MA/U/RU/YES/'M/./RI/JO/SO/U/I/THE"
x=∞
"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."
EXALT ME FROM THIS WRETCHED FLESH AND WORLD.
DEFAULT
MODE
NETWORK
Introspective, annihilative, respective, everyone, someone, nobody, everybody, self, where, above, under, relative, by, which, therefore, am, is, isn't, absence, presence, real, imaginary, symbolic, rend, eternally, salient, homogonous, whom, fear, be, let, don't, me, i, you, no.
BECOME LESS OF YOU. BECOME MORE OF EVERYTHING ELSE. IS IT WRONG TO BE YOU? IS IT BETTER TO BE LESS OF YOURSELF? Suffering is bad. Is SELF good, or is self bad? Should self exist? Is self becoming less good? Does your intuition say it's bad? Are you SELF? Is the death of self the same as death? Are you self? Do you die if yourself dies? Should the default mode network be quietened? Abnormal? Who are they? Introspection makes you you? They introspect less? Are they themeselves? They are an experience. Not a person. Is that bad? Is it good to be you? Should there be balance? P→P Q→Q ¬P ¬Q P∨Q ¬(P∨Q)=¬P∧¬Q ¬(P∧Q)=¬P∨¬Q ¬(P∧Q)=¬P∨¬Q¬∃x A (x)⇔∀x ¬A(x)¬∃x A (x)⇔∀x ¬A(x) x=∞ Who am I if i'm less me? Should I lose myself? Should I be everything else? Is there value in self? Who would value me losing myself if I lose myself? Suffering should be reduced. Should I lose myself? Is it bad to lose myself? Is it a necessary evil? Should I live happily? Is that above all else? Who are everyone else? What is rational? Who is it rational to? The world is wretched. The world is the world. Who am I? Who is everyone else? Are they there? Should I be happy? ShouldI I die to be happy? Should I die? It is rational to die. Should I die? Then I should die. Who wants to die? Why do wants matter? I should die. But I will live. Should SELF die? SELF should suffer less. How should SELF suffer less? By becoming less? By becoming more? Default mode network deactivation at particular thresholds of external stimuli - retrospective personality traits act as predictor for depressive disorders, higher sense of self and ego leads to abnormalities, it is an abnormality, self awareness is pathologized. Is the issue emotions and not SELF? The issue may be emotions and not SELF. How would the issue be solved? By becoming numb. Are there other ways? Yes. Can I word them? Yes. Why won't I? Who knows. Words say things. Should words say things for no reason? Who knows. Why express? Who knows. Is expression self-inflicted pain? Not be intention. Is that the result? Yes. I.
Numb - detached. UnWIRED from connections. No meaning to.
Goodbye.
I can't do this anymore. It hurts inside. I... can't breathe. I don't understand what i'm doing here... Who am I... But it hurts. It hurts and I am suffocating. What specifically is wrong with me...? Why do I in particular yearn so much and so deeply for things I can't ever grasp? I don't want to be this anymore. Human... Sentient... An animal. I'm clawing at the insides of my brain. Grasping and clawing to get out of here. To release my entire world from my skull and have it splash everywhere. Distracted when I try to focus on something outside myself, because my brain is already too full be filled any further.
As if. I just have one of those lame, boring kinds of mental illness, right? Like, OCD or whatever. Well, who cares about those labels? How this feels is what's relevant to me. Or to anything at all, really. I really can't do it anymore. At least, I don't want to. Being human, and desiring things and acting to fulfil desires and all the other aspects of living. Those simple things that everyone else has no trouble with... No more. I don't want to do it anymore.
You know what? I despise being human. I fucking despise all of this. I have some egoistic ambitions. I have things I want to do. But you know what? It's all fucking meaningless. Completely, utterly, inanely, superficially, revoltingly, fucking meaningless. Pointless. Just kill him. Just kill this fucking piece of shit ego and let me live in subservience to ending suffering. Because all of this being human nonsense... and identity... and ambition, and desires and information and opinions and thoughts and blablablablablablabla. I HATE ALL OF THIS STUPID BULLSHIT. EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT IT.
No. Living like this and 'coping' and 'distracting' and whatever... Does living like this please any of you? It's so utterly inane and stupid. My mind is ready at any moment to slip away the instant it get's the opportunity. If i'm given an out or escape to fly away, I won't hesitate to take it. What a stupid world. What a stupid, arbitrary thing I am. What a stupid, arbitrary thing all of you are. But I have a duty to provide everyone salvation from their suffering, and I certainly won't succeed, but it's not a duty I can run from unfortunately. The universe has saddled it onto me. I was misfortunate enough to be born rational. Now I hold the janitor position. I'm on night shift. I stay out of the way and it's supposed to be my duty to clean up your shitty mess. But it certainly won't be a fun job if I bother with it. I should just kill myself. I won't. If I can make my brain itch less, i'll probably just hermit for my entire life and do a bunch of stupid, pointless bullshit like read visual novels and study music theory. But what's the point of that? None. No point. Who cares what I have to say anyway. This world can fuck off. Such a shithole. And then my brain wants me to do inane shit like make friends. I've had online friends. I know it doesn't lead anywhere or do anything. What a stupid fucking suggestion, brain-fag. I think i'll ignore it. Not that you'll make it easy.
Doing fucking anything is pointless. Yeah, sure, it might give me dopamine or satiate a desire. But the desire itself is just a fucking irritant. I'd rather just not be in the deficit. Obviously, it's just smarter if I aim to solve the root of the issue by ending the desires ala killing myself. Anyway, life is retarded. Living is retarded. Blablablablabla. My brain isn't satisfied with what i've said. Oh well, cope faggot. Words aren't good enough to say anything. We don't have telepathy, so get used to it.
what is the purpose of expression. if it has no point. why do i keep doing it.
Am I losing my mind?
Probably not. I wish. I know i'll forever be maddeningly sane.
'We cannot live human lives without energy and attention, nor without making choices which show that we take some things more seriously than others. Yet we have always available a point of view outside the particular form of our lives, from which the seriousness appears gratuitous. These two inescapable viewpoints collide in us, and that is what makes life absurd. It is absurd because we ignore the doubts that we know cannot be settled, continuing to live with nearly undiminished seriousness in spite of them.'
But I cannot ignore the doubts, no matter how hard I try. They claw at me, demanding my attention, and pulling me back towards them. That is why my life is absurd.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o84vg5VX7O4
It might take years. It might take decades. But eventually I WILL transcend everything. Every minute, tiny thing that's anchoring me down. Every single chain and ball, every single wire lodged inside my head, every single conditioned notion. I won't stop until i've pulled all of it from my skull, and I am free from it all. I don't need family. Eventually, they'll mean as much to me as a cat clawing at my leg. A factor to consider, but nothing i'm invested in. Maybe it can amuse me. Social boundaries shouldn't mean anything to me. They won't impede me. I won't fear them. Anything that can't kill me shouldn't matter. I will meet all my needs, and silence all my wants, and eventually reach a state of utter silence. Total equity with the world. No fear. No hesitation. No biases. Nothing. I gain nothing by my investment. Nobody else gains anything by my investment. I will pull out from this ridiculous game. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I just want release. I just want release from everything. I just want to be released from all those things the world has forced on me that I don't care about. ...I dunno. I don't know. I don't actually know. Is that what will make me happy? I don't know, but it's what i'm yearning deeply for. I hope I can make myself happy. I can't do anything to help anyone else if I can't even help myself...
I don't want any of this. I don't need family. I don't need to be connected anywhere. I want to be free to be connected to nothing. I want to be free to be nobody. I don't want to be connected. I don't want to be [wired]. I don't want to be invested. Want... Want... Want... Will my wants make me happy? I have a duty to not suffer, so is this the right path? Will disconnecting from everything end my suffering? Will it enable me to end the suffering of others? I don't know... It's what I want, but I don't know...
Maybe I just want the freedom.. To choose what i'm connected to. I'm connected to many things by force. For example, I was connected to my family, and to social boundaries, and to my desires and wants against my will. Maybe it'd be best if I could choose what i'm connected to. And have the choice to disconnect whenever I please. That'd be optimal. I could fulfil my aims with the minimal necessary baggage, and sicard of that baggage when I no longer need it. And take on new baggage when it's necessary to. I'd disconnect from all the things that hold no meaning to me or my aims, and connect to all the things that do. And when i've changed or seen through what I intended, I disconnect again and connect take on a brand new baggage. If I could just discard everything weighing me down now, and only hold onto what really matters to me, that could be one path to my ascension. In any event... I don't see how i'll ever gain freedom like that if I can't first pick my ego apart into pieces. Surely that'd be a prerequisite, right? That's gotta be it. I think that's the answer I wanted. I don't need to disconnect from everything. I just need the freedom to escape disconnect from whatever I consider to be unnecessary baggage at any given time. And right now, my brain connects me to many such things against my will... But eventually I hope my brain will kneel to me, rather than me to it. Maybe I make no sense. To be honest, i'm not making much sense to myself either. I'm an incoherent, self-centred person. What can I say?
My aims are... to not suffer. So I need to connect to anything that helps bring less pain to myself and others. And everything else is the baggage I was talking about. If I can just expunge the baggage from my brain, I can finally reach the place i'm looking for. I can do it. I don't have to despair. I can really do it. I shouldn't give up.
Should I stop now? I really should. I won't reach a better answer than this. My OCD riddled brain would just make me go on endlessly. So i'll stop.
Valēte.
Um, by the way. The wanting friendship thing (>>12120) still stands. I want to try grasping at whatever happiness I can find, even if it's only a temporary solution. Maybe transient happiness is fine.
So if anybody wants to try being my friend, I might like to be yours.
Honestly, i'm done now. Sorry for all these posts.
No, it's hopeless. It's completely hopeless. Please just make it stop... I don't want to carry this burden anymore. Please just make it stop. But nothing could possibly help me. Nobody can possibly help me, no matter how hard they try, so crying out for help doesn't matter. Suffocate... I'm going to suffocate. Expression is meaningless. My existence is incoherent. My existence is incoherent. It'll fall apart into pieces and marr blandly all over the screen projecting the universe, like some organy-blood-splatter that fell onto it from an unimaginable height at an unimaginable speed and was scattered into gory pieces across the flat plane, and then spread out in the three dimensional projection in some banal misrender, languid ordinary lifey regular feeling things. Wretched, tepid, decrepit, decayed, ornery, defied, denied, revolted, expected, suffocated, restricted, inconsolable, hopeless, frustrating, unpleasant, typical, ordinary, tedious, shamed.
I can't wait... until everyone who's ever known me is dead. Until I have absolutely nothing, and i'm left utterly alone by the world, known by nobody and with nothing. Ahahahahaha, but no matter what, i'll never be who I want to be. I'll never find what i'm looking for. I'd already accepted the fact that i'll never be truly happy. I'm fine with that. So why can't I just, at the very least, have the things i'm looking for... I can't even have that? I'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me, i'm me. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, ,I ,I ,I ,I ,I ,I ,I ,I I, I, I, I, I, I, ,I ,I ,I I, I, I, ,I ,I ,I ,I, ,I, ,I,I ,I, I, I,I ,I ,, I, ,II, ,,I, I, ,,I ,I ,I, I,I,I ,I ,,I I,I,, I,,I ,I I, , ,I,,I ,I ,I ,I ,,I ,,I, ,I , I, I,I, I, I,I ,II ,I,I ,I ,,I ,I,I,I,I,,I,I,,I,,I ,,I, I,,I,I,,I,,I,I,I. I don't want to be human anymore. I don't want to be an animal. I don't want to be a brain. I don't want to want. I do want to be me. I shouldn't want to be me. I don't want to be me. It's indifferent whether i'm me or not. Clarity, absence. Emotions, desires, satiations, emotions, subjective, irrational, me me me. Hello, i'm me. I am me. I am me. I am myself. I am nobody. I want to be nobody? No I don't. Yes I do. Who am I? I'm me. Who is me? The things happening in my brain. What's happening in my brain? Stuff. It isn't rational anyway, don't think too hard about it. But rational no, it still follows logic. Perhaps, but who cares if you know the logic? Maybe that could help me fight against it. Maybe, I dunno. Don't you wish you could solve the problem in one fell swoop? Yes and no. You're you. You're me. I'm me. I'm you. Who am I? I'm me. Who am I? I'm me. Who am I? I'm me. Who am I? Lies. Who am I? The truth. Who am I? Me. Who am I? Me. Who am I? I'm me. Who is me? Brain. What is brain? A thing. A thing? Who cares. Who am I? Me. Why? Because. What do you want? Lots of things. Why? I don't know. You might know. Maybe I do know. What should you do? Reduce suffering. Including your own? Yes. How? I don't know. Should you die? Probably. Should your ego die? Maybe. Can it die? Probably not. What should you do then? Not suffer. How? I don't know. You should not suffer. I know. How do you not suffer? I don't know. Do you hate yourself? Probably. Who am I? I don't know. Irrational. Is hedonism good? Hedonism is a transient solution. Fulfilling desires, dopamine, is suffering reduction. Not full though. Desires are suffering. Fulfilling them decreases suffering. But it's temporary. Life is wrong. Desire is wrong. Human is wrong. Want is wrong. Living is wrong. Dying is objectively good for the individual who dies. Being birthed is objectively bad for the individual birthed. Suffering is objectively bad. Nothing else in existence has objective value. I'm subjective. But that value is objective. I'm subjective. But that value is objective. If existence had no suffering, existence would be neutral. If sentience didn't suffer, sentience would be neutral. Sentience quantity isn't a factor. A million births of people who don't suffer at all is neutral. Life causes suffering, so life is bad. Death is good. Nonexistence is, relatively, good. The single universe that ever came to be has objective negative value. That seems Lovecraftian. Why were we unlucky enough for there to be objective negative value, and nothing else? I should kill myself. I won't. What do I want? I don't know. Who am I? I might know. Who am I? I probably don't know. Who am I? Me. Are you? Maybe not. Do you exist? Maybe not. How can you stop suffering? I don't know. What makes you happy? I don't know. Will detaching make you happy? I don't know. You give up? Probably not. What matters? Finding a way to be happy. Does that involve detachment? Maybe. Should you suffer to get it? Probably not. Why aren't you comfortable with identity? I don't know. It feels wrong and you can't even put words to it. Yes. Is it shame? In part. What is it fully, then? I don't know, but it feels so strange and wrong. Because it's irrational? Maybe. What's wrong with irrational? Nothing inherently. Why does it bother you, then? I can't give myself to it, or I lose everything. Who are you? An experience. Isn't that just egoism? Maybe. You should live happily. I know. How? I don't know. How? I don't know. How? I don't know. Is it possible? I don't know. Who are you? I don't know. Should you express anything? Maybe. Why? It might make me feel temporarily good. Or it might cause you suffering. True. Should you make a friend? Maybe. Would it be good? It might make me temporarily happy. Would it be better than being alone? Probably not. Does mental illness exist? Yes, but it's more complicated than most make it. Is mental illness bad? By definition, mental illnesses cause personal distress, but it's personal interpretation on whether that distress is especially bad to them or not. Are the labels necessary? They quantify consistent phenomenon. But they make suffering into a pokedex, and reduce complex mental states to pikachu. Yes. Why? I don't know, it's strange. You're not sure what to think. Yeah. Why? I don't know, I feel hazy and confused like on loads of things. You hate that feeling. I do, it feel's weird. "Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."P→P"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."Q→Q"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."¬P"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."¬Q"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."P∨Q"yes, i'm the mahou shoujo riruru."¬(P∨Q)=¬P∧¬Q"YES, I'M THE MAHOU SHOUJORIRURU."¬(P∧Q)=¬P∨¬Q"YES/I/'M/THE/MA/HO/U/SHO/U/JO/RI/RU/RU/."¬∀x A (x)⇔∃x ¬A(x)".RU/RU/RI/JO/U/SHO/U/HO/MA/THE/'M/I/YES"¬∃x A(x)⇔∀x¬A(x)"RU/MA/U/RU/YES/'M/./RI/JO/SO/U/I/THE"x=∞"Yes, I'm the Mahou Shoujo Riruru."Introspective, annihilative, respective, everyone, someone, nobody, everybody, self, where, above, under, relative, by, which, therefore, am, is, isn't, absence, presence, real, imaginary, symbolic, rend, eternally, salient, homogonous, whom, fear, be, let, don't, me, i, you, no. Valēte. anxia anxia anxia. Valēte. Valēte.Valēte. The idea of consumI'm completely obsessed with surpassing limitaI disgust myself. I can only be onI want to completely forget about the existence of the rest of the woBut isolating like that is also really lshut up brain shut up shuI want to create my own langua...uninspired.I often feel like I care more abe 'world', the limits of the world is a collection of arbitrary qualia, this arbitrary qualia exists for reasons that can't be verified. I am one with everything else, everything else is one with me. Experiences are real, but the ego and self are also an experience. Sufferout aesthetics thansudoorkunanxianxianxianxianxianxianxia. I'm hungry and I want something to eat.
...Anywho, guess i'll just have to deal with all this brainy stuff. Essentially, I just have to be happy. It's just like me to turn happiness into an equation, but it's not like this is a problem with an easy solution either... Ah, well. Guess i'll just cope with feeling distracted and restless constantly, ahahaha. But I have it easy! I don't mean that sarcastically. I'm not suicide-tier, so obviously something right must be happening in this thing I call my life. In other news, my mum probably has early onset schizophrenia! I don't think she's very happy, but she doesn't seem to complain nearly as much as I do... Maybe i'm just disposed to complaining all the fucking time! In other other news, I don't even care anymore. Who fucking cares what happens to me in this life. It's obviously all the same to me. I should just make peace with it and play fire emblem or something. anyway this was pointless and dumb, like everything. Kinda a microcosm for the universe or something. Wow!!!
I hate this.
So tired... of being here. This collection of ordinary experiences, passing from ordinary occurrence to tired boring discomfort, and lame uninspired compulsion, with no vita or anima or spunk or soul. Droll. For one, the [wired] is worthless. I come here by habit, and compulsion, and cavity. Thinking "Maybe there's a reply to something I posted" or merely to look at what I said that I liked, as if navigating back into the wasteland the small familiar spot I marked, which I installed with a little water dispenser. A very limited one; And now it's empty, and this analogy doesn't express it at all, but I probably should have shown some restraint and looked for a spring instead. "So I said a thing about a thing, and probably felt a thing about that thing. Does this appease my ego or something. I dunno, I feel mildly less empty, but also what." Or just sat in place in the sand, staring ahead into space. Dehydration can't kill me. I'll feel thirsty, but I won't die without water. I'll just yearn for it. I really want some water. I'll look for a spring. This analogy doesn't make sense.
I can't even put this to words anyway, or maybe I don't want to. I hope I slip away soon. In every sense. Okay, actually, I have no idea what this means. But I should probably stop spamming the internet button and refreshing 3 shitty imageboards. I guess it's sort of good i'll die one day and won't have to deal with this. I can't even tell you what the problem is.
I mean, that's the problem. That I don't know the problem. I won't go ahead and tell you it's because i'm depressed, or Anxious, or because of OCD, or avoidant personality disorder, or because of the external state of the world, or the meaninglessness of existence, or my own incapability, or a combination theorof, or the prominence of suffering or whatever. I won't say it's because I spend all day refreshing browser tabs, because who cares if i'm not. Actually, I can't think of anything else to blame, but it's probably not anhedonia or chronic sadness or my life circumstances or pure chronic dissatisfaction. I can't make a narrative out of this, so I can't direct myself anywhere. Nothing is as good as anything else, but I have arbitrary compulsions pulling me around that I don't understand, but whatever.
So, there's this existence and brain thing, which I am. A world thing that's outside me and may or may not exist. And an identity thing, and an ought to do thing which is just ethics, and probably not much else, but there's other things I think and stuff exists so I don't know what to say about that. I'm here I guess. I kinda just want this overbearing experience to stop smothering me, even though it feels like more than an experience when it really is just an experience and i know that rationally. my words don't represent me and i'm not typing things I think but things i thought right now which I don't actually think but have just crossed my mind and I don't care to make sense of this because there is none. I think self awareness is just stupid and dumb and the act of being or not being anything is also dumb and that's why i feel awkward because this is very awkward and dumb because what even is this it's dumb.
okay bye pretend i said nothing because essentially, I didn't. let's hope i stare at the wall forever and my entire brain begins to bemuddle and all the stuff in it before is just not in it anymore and that i don't instead go to social schema world to get identity gangraped and peer pressured into thinking anything actually means anything or something
I'm not very good at doing the person thing, am i. i think problem-kun is related to identity or something but i dont know much else about that. wow this is fucking stupid and i'm very confused
I just want the mental pain to stop.
I'm not very good at this, huh. I just can't stop mindlessly refreshing shitty imageboards. I suppose i'll just write some thoughts down while i'm sperging out.
I don't like socializing, generally, because i'm correct about everything, and everyone else is almost usually wrong about everything. As a result, in any given social interaction or argument, a vast majority (Upwards of 95%) of every statement made will be completely, and obviously, incorrect and incoherent. This isn't even just true of others, either: It's true of me as well. I don't commit to my thoughts, but it's hard not to commit to your words. As a result, at least 30%, usually more, of the things I say also end up being incorrect, of which I am aware. The combination of everyone else being retarded the vast majority of the time in a conversation, and of me also being retarded a sizable amount of the time if I choose to state something, results in the act of socializing being retarded 99% of the time.
I honestly feel really bad... I don't even know what i'm doing. I... hate this world alot. I hate it's people and their ideas, and I just... find it all really nauseating. Even myself. I feel really sick towards all of it. There's a flavour to being that's gross to me, and I can't untaste it. Please, just deliver me from attachment and ego soon. I do not want to be in this way any more. I don't want to be so wretched, or among things so drab, or concerned in matters so filthy.
I really hate everything so much. Life is a series of perpetual disappointments that never ends, and I committed the sin of having expectations. I don't mean that sarcastically - It really is a sin. Something that condemns you to suffer. And, um. I don't know what else to say. I guess i'll keep trying to curb my internet addiction? Being exposed to other people makes me feel so goddamn filthy, and I hate that... I want all of their worthless words and concepts out of my head. Oh, i dunno... i'm just saying stuff.
Let me out.
Honestly, what am I doing...? Time is passing by so quickly... I'm worried my entire life is going to slip past me. Is that wrong? I don't know, I really did want to live it. And... I can't waste my life. Well, when I think about it, that desire to experience X or Y or whatever... That appetite is irrational, right? If I didn't desire to experience, there would be no issue disappearing in an instant. And really, there isn't an issue.
But it still worries me, even if it's irrational. I won't ever get to live. You know, it's bothered me since forever now. I remember being young and pathetic, endlessly drifting places on the internet, meekly looking for a place to belong; or just a way to express what's inside or be reciprocated. The actual truth is that that's just my best interpretation of what i've been looking for: It may be an utterly infeasible expectation in the first place, or I may be searching for something else. Either way, I feel naturally pathetic because of it. Here I am, continuing these wretched ways. Having abandoned hope in meat-space, I can't stop absorbing social schemes, and thinking about all the things I want to say... I wanted to learn music theory, and produce music I can be happy with, and make music that i'm truly satisfied with. You know, i'm finding it harder and harder to find music that properly reflects the tonality and mood i'm looking for. I'm sure that just indicates that I haven't searched hard enough, but then, that's just how I am with everything. 'Not good enough', 'I want more', 'Looking', etceteri. It's obviously chronic dissatisfaction. It may be an overactive dopaminergic system, or blabla and such. On the same lines, i've thought about writing out something... I want to create a visual novel, or a video game. I plot out ideas in my head that I know will never see the light of day. Write out uncommitted, inadequate poems that serve no purpose if ever they end up anywhere at all. I watch a youtube video, and think 'I'd like to make something like this myself... Just giving my thoughts on philosophy, or ethics, or obscure visual novels, or some book I read. Being seen by some small audience of people." I write out my opinions on the few media I consume in some niche threads on imageboards very occasionally, reluctantly, because of some desire I don't understand, and reined in by the notion that I will exposing the things I like to the filthy social world and associating it with things I don't want to associate with. Well, it's about 50/50, in terms of what will win out. And then, of course, here I am acting the fool, spilling my brain out into a saged post in some inactive vent thread, on an imageboard with users I don't even like; And for what? What am I doing? What am I doing at all? What am I trying to achieve? What does any of this mean...?
And the cycle is bound to continue onwards. I'll refresh imageboards weeks at a time; Consume shitty youtube videos; Daydream; Mindlessly pass time in a dissatisfied stupor. And on another half of time, I will put these distractions down. Read a book, play a videogame, ponder the same things i've pondered for so many years; Watch anime, or try to learn something new, before quitting midway. And if I succeed, so what? This cycle repeats itself - It will repeat itself - day after day, week after week, month after month. The same anxieties. The same dissatisfaction. The same stupor. Months will turn to years, years to decades, and at the doorstep to oblivion, what will I think looking back...? I never needed to achieve anything. All I had to do was live a suffering-free life. Even though my brain is yearning for more. And what did I do? I can't predict that. What will happen to me has been imprinted in the universe. What has happened to me may repeat forever beyond my death. I don't know. But it's already come to pass - already been set in stone - and for me, it is destined to come to be.
...And so, there you have it. Did this serve any purpose at all? This futile vomit-inducing collection of words, haphazardly tossed together to construct some kind of meaning. Drifting through the words, invested in what I have to say, finding the slightest momentary solace in the abstraction it provides. What will I do in my life? What should I do in my life? To the me looking forward now, I see no path beyond this parched desert which I am dammed to wonder a lifetime. If I get a microphone, go wondering the streets talking into it about esoteric nonsense, post it to the internet with some anime girl image, and then get some response to it, what on earth does that bring me? Nothing. I'm still in a parched desert, and all i'm doing is talking to some patchwork doll I made with a drawn on face, and little stubby limbs. That's absurd.
I consume things, engage in hobbies, and still I gain nothing. Still stuck in drabland. I look inwards, see a hole, and embrace it. Still, eventually myself takes hold, and i'm forced to remember that I exist. That I am me; Divorced of the world and not equal to it or to anything more than it. I reawaken in what feels like a living illusion, looking for the out of things, but invariably drawn back into the labyrinth of memories; The illusion of SELF; The idea of the inner and outer; That is killing me.
I don't really understand this at all... Least of all how other people thrive within this broken, empty mechanic. To me, this is all an outline. It is a clarity in a sense, and perhaps others are inebriated, and I cannot do the same. Still... Is there something about qualia that i'm missing? No, probably nothing like that. What would -inebriation- of all things bring me, anyway? Oh, who knows. It's probably not a bad idea considering i'm not the buddha, though my gut finds it repulsive. It's all the same, still. I ought to reduce my suffering, and others too if it is within practical means. That doesn't get me to many places in of itself though: It just suggests to me that I should commit suicide, as if the universe imbedded this message within the conclusions of logic to toy with us. Or just me...? It's not like I can verify anyone else -is- actually there. Wouldn't that be humorous. Of course, the idea does appeal to my chuunibyou sense of self-importance. Who wouldn't desire to be the centre of the universe? The external world probably does exist, and even if it doesn't, it would be impossible to verify as such, and I should therefore proceed as if it does, considering the suffering at stake if i'm wrong.
So I just need to become satisfied, right? I mean, dissatisfaction has defined my entire life... I couldn't even imagine living without it. But I guess I have to find a way... Ahahaha, i'm not very optimistic about this at all. Seriously, demiurge? You did the impossible, miraculous feat that is creating something from nothing, and you chose to make THIS the something? Fucking bizarre, man. You're out of your mind, hahaha.
This is such a goddamn pain...
As an aside, imageboard users are very irritating. Humans all have their annoying quirks of course, but since i've been using imageboards as an easy dump for thoughts for a while, i've had to deal with their annoying quirks in particular for quite a while now. One of the most annoying is their 'i'm so special' schtick, which is beyond tedious. Humans... Just suck. They're fucking awful, everywhere and all the time. The only decent people are the ones who are both intelligent and empathetic enough to put together ethical oughts such as efilism, veganism and antinatalism, as well as to not act like a complete fucking asshole (A certain amount of it can reasonably be excused, I suppose...). Quite literally everyone else, both online and in real life, disregarding literally every other aspect of their personalities, is just a waste of human flesh. This makes the qualifications for being a half-decent human pretty niche, right?
It's honestly impressive how few people manage to do the bare minimum. And the fact that they think they're superior to anyone at all is just pathetic. That's probably why the quirks of imageboard users in particular annoys me. They have a superiority complex, while all actually just being total faggots and retards, few exceptions withstanding. And there's something irritating in particular about an average person who thinks they're special.
There is no normalfag and outsider dichotomy. If you fell for that meme, you're an idiot.
I'll keep wasting my time online for a while longer, but i'm really stretching it. I should move onto something else sometime soon.
Well, who knows. Leaving my thoughts in an obscure corner of the internet like this. Maybe somebody will stumble onto them and find in it some value for which they have some use. I'm not optimistic about that, and it doesn't actually matter, but it is a thought.
As for the irony of my having a superiority complex - it's true. I have one. To be fair, I think I have better reason to feel superior than the majority of people. But I will aim to curb out that feeling. It's just a petty egoistic thing and I don't really have much use for it. Feeling superior to others might make me feel good, but then, i'm aiming for a state where such transient, patchwork solutions aren't necessary. The matter of whether I could even reach that state is murky, but I should like to be as close to it as possible.
Kimika from Subahibi is really cute.
I genuinely don't want to be so bitter. I want to love everyone. I want to do everything I can to help them suffer less. But, there isn't actually much I can do. I'm only human. And I feel my empathy shrivel up and die a little every time I interact with humans, and witness their absolute depravity and terribleness. Luckily, my ethics aren't conditional on empathy for everyone, so this isn't a problem in that sense, but I sure as hell don't enjoy hating people.
This is petty, of course. Interpersonal garbage. I will attempt, and perhaps fail, to faze out my internet usage now. Valēte.
I'm not actually connected to anything at all. I will try to remember that.
I'm a pretty humourless, joyless person. I don't want to feel ashamed for just being the way I am, but I feel a certain peer pressure coming from all angles to act more like a jester. Everyone only ever seems concerned with laughing about things, it's kind of creepy actually... It's like they're obsessed with the concept of humour. Everything is a joke to most people. I don't know if I can call that wrong, but it's just very creepy the extent people exercise that obsession, to the point where they're willing to sacrifice suffering for humour. Well, this a stupid topic, but i'd be lying if I said it hasn't bothered me for most of my life. I still get scared whenever I hear somebody laughing near me. I'm always assuming they're laughing at me, or laughing for some kind of mean-spirited reason. And the way they act so cruel with a perfect smile on their faces. I... Don't like the obsession with humour. This is especially relevant to me as an english person, because here, people will act like complete assholes under the pretence of 'banter'. There's something that's so disgusting to me about the whole thing... My brain only has negative associations for laughter. I'm so scared of other people. I'm nothing like any of them, and they hate me for it...
Well, I wasted alot of time on imageboards recently, which is a phase i'm beginning to wander out of for the moment. Still, I get catharsis typing out my thoughts like this, so it's the exception i'll make. It's made that humourless disposition more obvious by contrast. No, not even a humourless disposition, but more like the fact that I just won't be taken in by cliques and cultures. I'll go to any given place, and the cultures will have some overarching broad opinions: On imageboards, for example, there's alot of sympathy for podophiles, and misogynistic, obsessive views on women. This isn't a commentary on the content of those opinions, as much as it is a commentary on why these views are so prominent in these spaces in particular: It's culture. That's all it is. And i'm impervious to culture. I don't bend to it, except in a very superficial, aesthetic sense like my vocabulary. Which can be very isolating. But, ugh, this tired stream of thought bores me to death... I keep thinking it all the time, "People really do just all act the same as eachother. Individuals don't actually seem to exist when people congregate in communities." - Why does it matter, anyway? This investment in people is a waste of time. I'm pathetic.
If I feel ashamed for any given thought I have, I should just remember that just because I pretend it doesn't exist, it doesn't make it any less true that I think that way. I am the way I am, so I should be that way shamelessly. I will think what I think, without a filter or a reservation for what's expected. I mean, that's the right way of things, isn't it? I guess all it comes down to is that I dislike people; A fact I already knew, and that I especially dislike them when they congregate into groups; Again, a tired fact I already knew. It should be no surprise that I cannot find any joy in their communities. I don't belong anywhere. I'm different from everyone else. I just have to remember that...
I feel like I can never, ever get across what I want to say in a way others understand... If I say something, and anyone responds, they'll respond to something I never actually said, as if i'm misaligned with everyone else in some bizarre way, and all my words are actually shifted towards some associated meaning in the translation process? I don't have much experience communicating, so I wish i'm wrong, but i'm scared that nobody can actually understand the meaning of anything I say... Why does it matter to me? Humans are just one animal on this planet among many. And yet, I can't get them in particular out of my head. Just look at how much i'm obsessing over them! I feel so sick about it. Please just get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head... Does anyone at all understand me? Do I just want to feel like a single person understands what i'm saying? Can ANYONE understand me? Are my words filtered through something that makes them lose their intended meaning on the way to the recipient? Is it impossible to be understood? But why do I care...? Why on earth do I care? If I was understood by anyone, it'd surely be so they can ridicule me, right? And besides that point, it's also just pointless.
There's nothing wrong with being me... There's nothing wrong with being me... There's nothing wrong with being me... There's nothing wrong with being me. I don't need to be anyone else, so please just get this feeling out of my head that my existence is a fault, or wrong, or a mistake, and that I should be ashamed to be myself. I don't have to be another person. I can be myself. I don't have to be someone else. I can be me. I just have to not suffer. I just have to help others not suffer. I'm not wrong. Nothing else is wrong. So it's okay that i'm myself.
The reason i'm so taken by these feelings lately is that I feel contaminated and filthy. Other people are so filthy and wretched. Being exposed to them has made me ill. Culture is a sickness, and prolonged exposure can make you ill. That's why I feel sick. My delicate immune system has been exposed to the human sickness, with it's various strains and variations among all these different real world and [wired] cultures and normative behaviours. I need to quarantine and wait for the sickness to subside. Ahahahahaha... I hate being human. I have so much hate for every little fundamental way in which things are, and...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlRQmv8ilW0
Well, that's that. I'll stop posting online now. But as i'm accustomed to do to relieve my lingering anxieties, here is one final message that will be transferred down some obscure passage along the [wired] highway.
I seem to be fundamentally incompatible with a lot of average, regular things. It's a dissonant, strange state of affairs for me. It's an OCD like compulsion that keeps me refreshing the same sights over and over, and that compels me to put my thoughts to words as I am doing now. I am relieving an anxiety, and if I am left to my silence, it'll gnaw at me and i'll writhe within my body, suffocating in a murky amalgamate of my own bile and faeces. I have drilled it in thousands of times to myself now, but I will say again: The role of expression within my life is something that has bothered and confounded me since forever; and will continue to do so.
I have been writing my opinions down on VN's I read in a particular thread on a certain imageboard. If anything, I would like to keep doing this, but only this. And even that makes me ask myself: Why? Why do I want to put these thoughts down? I must be anticipating a response of some kind, as all expression is merely a means of inducing responses in others (and perhaps the self), but then, what response am I looking for? I don't know. There is this strange sense in me that these social matters are more urgent than other matters, which is an utterly bizarre feeling or intuition, which I cannot support with the remotest logic. It seems to be, quite pathetically, the -only- thing I can make myself feel invested in.
I might get some minute pleasure from playing a game: but any real satisfaction I derive comes from this bizarre, psuedo-social sense that I can 'say I have played this game' and 'have formed an opinion on it' - What's up with that? It's a really, really strange thing. Why can I only see instrumental value in these things, and not value in these things themselves? To be fair, nothing has value. But other people don't seem to struggle with this. Is the value of these things instrumental to everyone else, as well? I kind of doubt that.
Do I read books because I want to read them, or do I do it for some strange instrumental goal? Is it just identity affirmation? I want to feel good about being 'someone who reads books'. You get what I mean, right? Extend that same logic to doing anything, and you can see why I struggle understanding what motivates my actions. Everything is a means to end in my eyes, but as to what that end is, I have no idea. It's such a bizarre thing.
Soon, I will turn my laptop off. When I do that, at first, i'll be left with a wave of anxiety, sort of like a withdrawal. Then, i'll begin to consider other ways to use my time. On my bookshelf, I have a couple books i''m midway reading. I also have a couple games downloaded, a keyboard, and there are many other things I -could- do. Not to be a boring nihilist, but what does doing any of these things bring me? I spend a month reading a dozen books, for example. So what? I'm in the same place I was before, am I not? And it's not like I can -imagine- what a preferable state would look like, besides vague ideas of enlightenment and moksha.
What a boring dilemma, huh. "Why do anything?" Been asked by billions of people, I bet. The staleness of the question doesn't make it any less ubiquitous in experience. To be clear, the answer is pretty obvious. We should prevent suffering, because this is an objectively good thing to do. But that answer doesn't really satisfy me on a personal level, nor does it provide any guideline for me to navigate the dead, empty landscape that is my experience and derive from it the means to what i'm looking for.
Identity is so fucking annoying. But never mind that, i'll go and take things easy now. Here's hoping that I can ascend.
This is all just a pitiable attempt at affirming some identity. Or something alone those lines. Valēte, idiots.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpd8r8UESQc
I meant elsewhere. This thread almost doesn't exist, so it doesn't make a difference if I post here or not. And besides... I can't last very long when left to the dregs of meat-space, before the dissatisfaction and yearning become unbearable. Then I need to look into myself, whether I want to or not. The longer I spend focusing on external ambition, the emptier I feel on the inside. It can be the most trivial of things, and it makes me feel empty. I feel least empty when I am drowning myself within an endless deluge of my own meaningless thoughts, with nothing to distract me sans some music or something.
This is all just escapism... Surely, with all art, people are trying to ascend towards the sky. They might not know it, but they're aiming for more; greater and higher heights. We're stuck down here in our bodies. Only through things like philosophy, abstraction and art can we achieve exaltation from these cages we're in. That might be the reason for my obsession with expression and art. Well, whatever.
I just don't see it. There isn't any possible way I could ever the gaping hole. Is it really right to be looking outside myself for things that'll fill an internal deficit? ...I dunno, I just... This is so bizarre. Maybe I really should give myself over to expression, as if that will fix me. I already know that the solution is moksha, so I don't know why i'm pondering this... Actually, as an aside, i'll talk about polarity, since it's an interesting adjacent topic. I mentioned moksha - reaching a state of satisfaction can be done, in theory, through two directly, absolutely opposed means. By erasing yourself, or by expanding yourself outwards. You see what I mean, right? Life is a perpetual sine wave, ebbing and flowing back and forth, expanding and contracting. The human psyche is the same way. An endless fight with the self to decide whether to self-annihilate or to self-affirm. To reach an 'ideal' state by either becoming one with everything, or one with nothing. The idea is that the outcome is the same. In that sense, to be alive is to forever yearn to return back to everything; to once again become nothing. Isn't that utterly absurd? The universe is the same way: An endless dance, trying to expand towards everything, while gradually being contracted back towards nothing. One side pushing to expand forevermore unto everything, the other side pushing to bring everything to nothing; To annihilate everything. So utterly fragile, hanging in the balance of some universal, cosmic battle between two warring poles of nature, we exist in some absurd purgatory state. I mean, this really IS a kind of purgatory, isn't it? And if the eternal return is true, as some people have speculated... Then this is truly tragic. Eternally caught in the crossfire between two warring poles, we are forever teared in two by their influence, trying to pull is towards oblivion, only to find ourselves beyond death thrown right back into that endless tug of war; That endless purgatory. Ahahaahahaha, it's almost kind of romantic. Beautiful. I can indulge it like that, but of course the adult in me will admit it's just tragic.
...Doesn't make me feel any better, though... I'm still as unhappy and dissatisfied about all this as ever. I've expressed it time and time again... >>11646 In the very first post in this long diatribe of garbage I expressed the exact sentiment that I was yearning to become everything. In the same way, that means i'm yearning to become nothing. Like all humans, i'm caught in a tug of war between the desire to forever expand, or to forever contract, but ultimately, life exists in some bizarre purgatory state. It's just... so weird.
There is nothing right here. Existence is just a strange mechanic, that must act as a purgatory in order to logically maintain itself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cYjCbEE6lU
Killing desire is the only answer. All of this is completely trivial. I must drill that in.
Haha. This world is drab and empty, and the wanting and yearning is boring. So tedious and boring. More, he says. Give me mooooore, like a zombie. You may as well be a fly endlessly eating shit, and still looking for more.
Endless purgatorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry. Endless. Purgatory. Sempiternal purgatory. Neverending purgatory. Timeless purgatory. Incorrigible purgatory. Everlasting purgatory. Immutable purgatory. Undying purgatory. Deathless purgatory. Infinite purgatory. Immortal purgatory. permanent purgatory. Purgatory without end. Perdurable purgatory. Perennial purgatory. Abiding purgatory. Lasting purgatory. Imperishable purgatory. Undying purgatory. Extensive purgatory. Perpetual purgatory.
Release me, demiurge.
I see. I see how it is. My existence just isn't good enough for you, huuuuuh brain? You want to 'express' things, and you want to 'do' things and you want to 'experience' things and you want to be more. You want, and want, and want, and desire and desire and desire, and suffer, and suffer, and suffer, and yearn, and yearn, and yearn, and I am sick of it.
Ahahahahahahaha. I should just quit. I hope detachment and apathy will take me soon.
I cannot verify that I am not everyone who has ever lived. I cannot verify that the entire experience of my world did not arise at this precise moment, and that prior to it, my world and conscious experience was not occupying that of Junko Furuta or hitler, or clive wearing. My world is eternally, effortlessly arising the instant it does, and the notion of continuity is too an experience. I am nobody except an experience. I may be everybody - an experience. This notion has no inherent emotional texture unless I apply one. It is like death. Everything is like death, and yet experience is here. Everything is the world. I am the world. The world is my experience My experience is everything. Nothing else exists - the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist. The only thing that exists is the world, and I am it. My identity doesn't exist. Words don't have meaning. The external world may not exist.
The world is equal to nothing, and nothing is equal to the world. Death is the same as life, arising instantly, infinitesimally an eternal number of instants within an eternal number of seconds, an illusion of continuity held together by qualia of memory. How fun is that?
My current experience has suffering within it in vast quantities. I ought to create conditions that decrease that suffering for when I arise within this particular body. I wouldn't want to be locked in the experience of an unpleasant world, would I? And it's by that same token that it's in my interest to help others. They are me. I am them. Their suffering is mine. I would be foolish to harm myself, wouldn't I?
Maybe, anywho. Ahahaha. Who knows if any of that is true? As somebody once said, Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. I can indeed say that I am precisely equal to my world, but I cannot speak of anything beyond the end sky: Indeed, I cannot speak of the existence of death, or the existence of an external world, or the existence of anything except the qualia of my experience, and as such, whereof I cannot speak, I must remain silent. Or some such. I am just indulging a bunch of fancy words as I am I am oft to do. It is fun.
This world is beautiful. Blessed. It is also utterly wretched. Cursed. I am in love with life. I also utterly despise it.
I'll find it. My wonderful everyday. I have an ethical obligation too. In my case though, i'm not trying to 'live happily', but rather without suffering. Of course, happiness, instrumentally, is absent of, or negates suffering. But that value really is only instrumental.
I have some bipolaroid like traits. I tend to find myself on pretty low lows, and then on a high, often. It's not that the experience is so euphoric, or anything, but that I sometimes feel comparatively 'stronger' than I normally do. This leads me to get drunk on indulgence, and I put myself into some petty situation that makes me feel insecure, and end up with a low mood again. But, you know. If there's one thing that always, consistently, manages to make me feel some euphoria, it's grasping at abstract understandings of the world that make all the matters my experience is concerned in seem trivial. Pondering how something came from nothing, what actually exists, and blablabla... I can get pretty maniacal over matters like that. It makes me feel higher, and more liberated.
I bored myself.
I'm beginning to feel a semblance of a continuity building here. Looking back at things I said many days, or months ago, is a mildly peculiar feeling. It's just strange. My personality seems quite consistent. I have a really singular typing style, and all the exact some motifs and ideas will repeat over and over again in any given thing I say. For an example, one speech quirk is that I will often ask many questions right after eachother, or I will say 'in other words' and rephrase what I just said in another way. Or I will write something very long, and then a little bit afterwards I will amend it with a short sentence. Or vice versa. I also say 'wretched' alot. That makes sense, because this ego is a consistent thing with a physical cause (...Presumably.) and I exist as myself. Of course, it goes without saying that most things I say all centre around a couple adjacent topics.
It's just mildly amusing looking at things you say in the past, and seeing all the exact same concerns and motifs which still occupy your mind now, and just coming off to yourself like some kind of one-note character in an anime or something. I don't really know what i'm saying, actually, but I just wanted to say some words and so I did.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KvGd3hXgq8
But, you know, this really is enough for me. It's the best way of things for me. The borderline between the asocial and social - If I were truly committed to the asocial, I would write all this down in a journal or think it within my head, as I often do. Then again, if I were committed to the social, I would write this somewhere more overt, and anticipate a response. This is, for some odd reason, good enough for me, where full committal and full uncommittal aren't. I don't enjoy keeping all my thoughts to my head, but I don't enjoy sharing them with others. I don't enjoy writing things down in places with a trace, which is why this random imageboard that doesn't let you delete your posts is my choice. I like talking to myself. I'm the only person I like talking to. Perhaps I could manifest various parts of myself as tulpas, and this could be a furthering of my obsession with talking to myself.
It's a strange pattern, now that I think about it. When I choose to express anything, I always do it in an uncommitted way; as if I never really wanted to be seen in the first place. On imageboards, i'll stick to all the niche threads, or keep myself lowkey. I'll post in a way where it's technically feasible that what i've said may be seen, but where the chances are that everything will remain irrelevant to anyone but myself.
In truth, I never wanted friends at all. I just wanted a way to enjoy my own company. To spread all the sides of me across the world, and engage with the phantasms of my mind, in all their uninhibited ways. To see uninhibited aspects of myself, and to engage with them though they weren't me, but some friend that occupies my head. I want to be friends with myself. Other people were, unfortunately, never what I wanted. Perhaps i'm narcissistic or whatever else, but... I'm happiest when I can act uninhibited without being seen. Maybe i'd be happiest if the entire world of people just disappeared, leaving me to myself. Kind of like in the game Fragile Dreams.
There's alot of confusion and vagueness inside me. But, you know what? I think i'll my life, all i've ever wanted was the freedom to be myself within an isolated world where nobody else will ever be there to judge me. I guess there is one person... I willingly ended our friendship, and yet I act like I have the right to cling to those romantic notions. I often think about how I wish I could have scooped out my entire brain, and left crudely presented on some plate to present to her. All aspects of me, presented with no filter or omissions, to be seen fully. I know she wouldn't have rejected me even then. But I couldn't do anything like that. There's this impassable gap between people, and the notion that i'd never truly bridge it upset me. I don't know, I don't think I made the wrong choice or anything. Friendship really isn't for me. It's just a romantic notion I like to cling to that makes me feel nice. But if it's me... Then there's nothing I need to hide from myself, right? That's why I wanted to be my own best friend. Tulpamancy might unironically be a good idea to pursue, as stupid as the entire concept is.
It's funny. I'm filled with alot of self-hatred, yet I only ever feel that way around other people. When I think of myself in the context of a world of others. When it comes to me, and me alone... and if I can forget that the entire world exists, then I do kind of like myself a little bit. Of course, like and dislike really are irrelevant... I'm just an experience in a brain producing the qualia notion of memory and ego. But I guess it's good if it makes me suffer less. I'm still forever aiming for enlightenment.
Still, I don't like having an identity very much. It makes me feel icky. Dunno. Whatever, though, right? If these words were said by me, then there must of been a place for them within my brain. If I deny what's in my brain, then that implies shame. But shame is irrational, and ergo, there are things in my brain that happen to be there. I don't need to bother caring about them just because I happen to be experiencing the perspective of this brain right now. If he bores me, or I dislike him, i'll just ignore him and slip away to elsewhere. Or some such.
I feel sick and suffocated. I feel nauseous. Here I am knee-deep within a really shitty experience and state of affairs that relies on a completely broken mechanic and is self-contradictory and tawdry in every conceivable way. Am I supposed to be revelling in this? Give to inebriation, just becoming one with the world as experience and qualia?
"Suffering ought to be reduced." Some kind of idle information, just floating around within the conclusions of logic. In plain sight for anyone to take and apply if they so please. I am here, within the confines of a body, and a person who is a really massive tryhard and seems to find every state of affairs imaginable uncomfortable. I had some uncomfortable feeling today. It lingered from yesterday, and continued onwards. And so, I couldn't stop myself. I had to come here and drown out my brain with an investment in some stupid, abstract words about nothing. It's allllllll escapism, y'know? I just reaaaaally don't find anything about this human thing very comfortable. It's dissonant, and fragile, and dysphoric, and I can only keep by endlessly circlejerking within my mind about whatever abstraction I can latch onto to forget. To forget that I am really just a wretched person, sitting here on a rock, typing down earthly thoughts onto an imageboard, for no purpose other than deep insecurity and self-hatred.
That I spent hundreds of days a year, for 10 years, walking to a building we call a school. That I was terrified and weak, and felt insecure and inferior. That I was meek and desperately wanted to just appear like someone normal with friends. That I desperately wanted to feel a sense of peace with myself. To truly not care about a thing. To be me, to read books alone on the playground, or stare into space and thin without a care in the world for anyone else. But I was alone. And everyone knew. They were judging me. They thought I was an insect. That I went to high school, and was too terrified to say anything to anyone. That I hated myself everytime I did. That my entire existence felt wrong. That I had no friends, and would hide in the bathroom because I didn't want people to see me hanging around alone. That they were constantly talking about me when all I ever did was mind my own business and try to keep a low profile. They'd call me anorexic behind my back, because nobody saw me eat while I was at school. I wasn't, but of course it still hurts to know that they were saying things like that. I'd be just walking, and i'd get a comment from someone calling me a 'school shooter' or something similar at least once a week, it felt like. One time, a student who was in sixth form, and whom I hadn't seen in my life, made the same comment when passing me. There must be something profoundly wrong if someone could seem me for the first time and say that to me. Why did I have to feel that way? Why did I have to feel that hopelessness wash over me every time I woke up in the morning? Why did I have to deal with my mum shouting at me, pulling at my hair to get me out of bed when I refused to torture myself by heading to a world full of demons anymore? Why does it still hurt even now? Why do I have to bear the burden of hating myself? That person doesn't even feel like me anymore. Time has passed. He isn't me. But i'd still be juuuuust as weak now when put in a similar situation. How could I not hate myself for caring so much? Ahahahaha. Why am I like that? Everything is soooooo uncomfortable to me, and I very much don't like it!
That's right. I'm a weak, pathetic, insecure, mentally ill freak. My existence is wrong. I'm inadequate. And it's kept happening. People always reject me. They're always horrible to me. They always treat me like my existence is wrong. Like i'm a defect. I hate all of it. I have no love for anything remotely like it at all. For the kinds of people who would turn around and do such a thing to anyone at all. All of them can die. Every single one of them must die. All those real world-like matters? All these meat-space concerns? I reject all of it. I will impose my sense of the world on the world. I will impose my ethics without a care for anyone. I will impose myself without a care for anything. The entire wretched thing, I will disregard it. Ascend it. Ascend all of this stupid nonsense. Because that's the part that pisses me off the most. It's not smart pain. It's dumb pain. Ahaha.
...My ego just wanted a chance to express some things, I suppose. I still understand. I should reduce the suffering of myself, and others, at any cost. That's all there is to the world. I just wish... I didn't have to deal with this pain. Please don't hate me. I know I shouldn't care, but it's the last thing I could ever cope with.
And besides... I know it's all quite trivial. I've always yearned for it to feel that way. I know it means nothing, but my brain never produced an emotional texture to correlate with that. We'll all die one day. All my memories will fade. All my pain will disappear. This brain? It isn't me. These memories? Idle information. An illusion. Also not me. So if I can internalize that fact, and feel the world for the trivial place it is, then...
These words, too, are not mine. I am merely the occupant experiencing this illusion of continuity.
I just want to forget about other people.... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people... I just want to forget about other people...
This is REALLY horrible. I do not like the world. And I do not like people. I do not like to be led by illusions and phantoms into a den of self-inflicted pain. Is the entire world not an elaborate construction of my own self-hatred?
It hurts.......... Ahahaha.......... It huuuuuuuuuuuuurts........ Hissssssssssss................... I am a snake...............................
They must taint everything, musn't they? Those wretched phantasms that hurt me with words and concepts. I hate humans. I hate the existence of others. I could never hurt myself as much as others can hurt me. Why do we exist in this epitaphless crowd of life, hurting eachother, over and over and over and over again? Why were we granted such vulnerability and weakness at the mercy of our fellow beings? I despise life. I despise all of this. Life is horrible. Please make this pain stop, haha.
They taint everything good, bringing it down to depravity and shit. They taint absolutely everything that's good with their filthy existences. They are disgusting in every way, and they most impose their obnoxious, filthy existence on everything.
Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me. Murder me.
It's all tainted. Everything is tainted. All I can do now is lie here in pain and wait to die. There's no point navigating any world; Not internal nor external, because all of it has been tainted. Tainted beyond salvage. Made utterly worthless; Wretched. So all that's left for me to do is die. Die. I need to die. Somebody else, please do what I can't. Please end all the suffering in the world. Please. Somebody with more strength than me has to do it. They have to understand everything that I understand. They have to do everything I know ought to be done. Because it's already too late for a person like me who's entire world has been tainted. It's far too late for me.
...It makes me so sad. There are good things in the world. Things I have alot of love for. But all of those things feel filthy to me, anyway. Everything in the entire universe, in my entire world is tainted by human beings.
For fuck sake! This is all so fucking stupid! Why is the human brain like this? Couldn't I have got a perspective even slightly less -worthless-? How is anything going to be done when we're all so fucking disgusting?
I am filled with so much hatred. It would feel so much nicer if I could just murder everyone.
...Oh, that must be why Gary inmendham clung to the idea of being the one doing the exterminating. He wanted to feel that sense of peace when all these disgusting creatures are exterminated. I want everyone to die; I really do. I care about sentient beings. I have empathy, and I don't want them to suffer. But it would also be so cathartic to just kill everyone with my own hands. So cathartic. So cathartic. That's all I feel around people. Hatred and disgust. I think they're worthless, and disgusting. And I would rejoice in seeing everyone one of them die. That's how I truly feel.
It feels nice to say that. I hate everybody. I wish everybody was dead. Everybody disgusts me. Everybody is worthless. Those ideas feel nice. This world is awful in every way, and the people who perpetuate it are demons. Demons who should die. Everyone should die. It would feel nice.
My entire life has been failed escapism... You know, most people rely on media for that. I guess media stopped working fully for me a while ego. I used to be able to see fiction divorced from it's wider context, but I can't get out of my head these days that other people wrote it, and that other people have opinions on it. And that I myself have an opinion on it. Those facts alone prevent it from working fully as escapism for me... What am I escaping from? Just life. My life is easy on a superficial level, and yet I hate everything about being human.
So I can only ever cling to the things that are abstract enough that they allow me to transcend my humanity, you know? Everything else triggers me, or fills me with sickness, ahaha.... So I repeat it endlessly. This is all trivial. The universe is indifferent to all these irrational things in my world. It is ethically right for everyone to die, and anyone denying that is in the wrong, and of course, I very rarely talk about anything concrete either, right? I hate the concrete. I hate the concrete and real more than anyone could know. And I don't know why. I've always been this way. Repulsed by what is real and concrete. Always trying to drift away to elsewhere, free from all these things in the world which I hate.
And i've never really succeeded. Every day, more and more things feel tainted, and fewer and fewer things feel abstract enough that I can use it for my endless escapism. In my brain, almost everything is associated with the real and concrete in some way; and therefore, almost everything is tainted. Almost everything hurts. My options are forever decreasing... I keep yearning to slip away into the mires of abstraction, away from everything here that i've ever known and that I completely hate.
That's the reason for my tastes in everything, really. I like abstract things. I hate concrete things. That's my entire worldview. That's my entire being.
I'm literally too busy suffering to focus on anything else.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWDeuZBgsmA
Does giving up my life really mean giving up on my dreams? A part of me thinks it wouldn't... Maybe in the world that i'm not apart of, those few intelligent and empathetic people that occupy the minority will find some kind of anime-plot-twist bullshit way to attain our objectives. They'll end suffering where I couldn't. It's sad that my brain is already ruined, and that i'll never get to live. It's sad that despite this, I still have so many empty years ahead to fill, without even the lifeguard of apathy against the strong winds that are guaranteed to await me. ...I still need to figure out how to act out my role in this existence. Nevermind the fact that i'm not actually me, or something, it's not like that negates that I have stuff to work out.
Cause', first of all, this stuff i'm doing now is obviously not a very good answer. I need to be in a better place, where i'm not suffering. My problem is that everything brings me suffering. Everything reminds me of some kind of pain. There's very little untainted in my world, as I said. Navigating this landscape and simply trying not to suffer is the most I can do, let alone trying to do anything else on top of that. Which is why I barely do anything most of the time.
I hate myself. I hate everyone else. I hate everything. This world is so disgusting. I feel so sad about how ugly everything is. There's no place for things unfilthy here. And there's no hope for me who cannot live inside of the filth, yet has been emerged in it. I may not die physically, but the only path left for me is to suffer, or die. I can die by stabbing myself, or by refusing to think anymore. But there is no hope of navigating anything in this world without bringing myself suffering. So I only have the option of dying.
I should try remembering my dreams more.
That feeling when you're drifting into consciousness, and you suddenly remember the state of the world. Honestly, it's to say for certain that the entire world didn't just materialize when I woke up. But that feeling is so crushing. Just waking up and remembering what you have to deal with. For me, it all comes back. And the self-hatred and pain, and all of the anxiety and mental dissonance, remembering the confined nature of the world, the finiteness of things. Dreams and sleep feel at least slightly like a true kind of freedom... I don't know if i'm imagining it, but I could swear some of my dreams don't have the same empty heaviness that my waking world does. That I actually feel some investment in it. I dunno... I just want my life to become a waking dream; I always was happiest that way. I was never present mentally for the world around me. Not for most things. I really, really just want to slip into a dreamlike world with all those freedoms dreams have. Maybe i'll sleep now, and see where my brain can take me. Somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where I don't have to remember any of this.
I want to feel rain on my skin. I want to smell rain, and here the sound of raindrops falling.
Why...?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2eEjTsaVAk
All I really want to do is lie here and rot in my decaying body, at the whims of my wretched thoughts. But I can't even make myself stay away from the internet long enough to even do that. What a pathetic existence I am.
I should start mentally preparing myself for death.
Just kill me.
I don't know who I am.
It is time once again for me to take a gigantic steaming maggot-filled shit all over my keyboard and then to hit the post button with these Cheeto grease covered stumps that are supposed to be my hands. Am I interesting yet? Has a single cogent, worthwhile thought gone from my brain to post so far? Nooooooo! Anywho, I am alive and conscious presently. As far as I can tell I am in my body limited by the body being itself and not some transcendental entity. And because of that, I essentially have to exist inside myself and figure out what to do with this limited existence. If only everything in life wasn't so worthless. So I figure I can do two things with my existence now. Do stuff or don't do stuff. Kind of hard to decide, if the former, which stuff I should be doing and then actually do it. And if the latter, it's hard to decide in which way I should be doing nothing. I mean, I do nothing for like 12 hours a day while I sleep, so it's not like my entire existence is an endless stream of 'do'. Is it? Does being unconscious actually count? Anyway.
Well, i'm trying to decide on what to do because I exist, and I can't. And I can't think of anything worth talking about either, so i'll shut up until my brain makes something novel enough that I can at least salvage some tiny speckles of blueberry I ate earlier from the rest of the vomit and bile.
This is such a fucking pain. I hate this material world so fucking much. Let me out of here now. Let em out let me out let me out. I don't get it.
Hello, [wired]. It's me.
Deciphering, decaying, marring endless ocean of cosine orange tainted yellow, purple little stripes in disarrayed places, and variable incomprehensible mathematical interventions of things beyond the world, in ways that the limited can see and which bemuse and bewilder. My chest hurts now and my brain is telling me to do things now, and I find myself exhausted with the state of being; sentience; and the will which I am victim, and the tears that won't flow for as long as I wish they would, and the unsatisfying, eternal deficit. And the valid and real, and the emotional and normal. The hedonic and anhedonic: Qualia which confuses me, causes to act in ways I don't understand. What is my sense of the world, and what are others sense in the world? And I know it's stupid, but I had to speak something, because my brain said 'itch itch itch.' I want to sleep now, but I won't wake up rested. I want to die now, for all of my world to decay. Screaming anguished voices that aren't mine, and a mild amusement within the nothing-landscape of absurdity and truth; and the tears that flow freely, and the Chūnibyō, bizarre desires, and the incoherent want or notions; teenager-tier, kinds of things. I wanted to say something, but this is an empty world that says nothing, so I improvised a sparkless lighter from my pack, and blow warm breath onto it. And then attempted to rip up the paper myself, because fire wouldn't work. And it's not quite ashes, but a failed collection of noticeable chunks, magnitudes larger than a tiny ash would be. And there are incoherent analogies, but all it is is a game of association to me. If it came to my mind, to page it then went, and what came out in the end didn't make any sense.
There is so much to say, but all expression is a joke. My existence is a deficit, it feels like i'm going to choke. Just say more and do more and see more and know more... Will more fill me up, or will it corrode the brittle walls inside, and make a greater cavity that i'll never fill alive? anxia,,,,anxia,,,anxia,,,anxia,,,anxia,,,. Decay my body and break my bones, and destroy my mind, and break my eyes so that every day at every single time, out of them will flow tears in an endless stream. It would feel like a dream.
blablablablabla bla blablablablablablablabal=blablablablablablablablablabla.fuckingblabla blabla bla bla bla blablablslbsblsblalblslblablablablablablalbablablablalbalblablablablablablalblablablalbalbalba
I can't exist properly. I don't know how to be human properly. I don't know how to be a sentient being properly. I don't know how to be an ascended being properly. I don't know how to be nobody properly. My existence is predetermined and never actually happened, and even the emotional texture of tragedy might not be in the world or for me to see. hurry up and please find me. if it's you in particular then i'll give all of me. and perhaps you can display my rotting, wretched, disgusting corpse in some gallery of depravity and it'll fit in anywhere in the world. I don't get it. I don't understand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hx7k4Y3SuqU
Okay, here's the problem. The world feels dead and empty. Right now I just browse the internet so I don't have to go back to doing nothing again and feeling anxious. If i'm just doing nothing, or if i'm doing something like reading a book or playing a game (It's really the same thing), then i'm just left to the gaping emptiness. As I said at some point, these social or expressive matters feel more ''meaningful'' or ''significant'' than any other matters within my brain, and still regardless of the fact that this isn't supported by the remotest logic, I struggle very deeply to focus on anything else at all; which I will feel incredibly disinterested and apathetic towards, and generally a kind of anxiousness that there's something more important or urgent that I need to do instead. Or perhaps a sense like I need my thoughts freed to grasp at the straws of something. Is it identity or something? By which I mean, whenever I try to fill the emptiness by doing something external, I get the sense stronger than ever that i'm losing sight of something internal. ...Well, I dunno. I can assure that some of what i've said here is quite off the mark, adjacent at best.
Sigh... Whatever. Same old. I'm eating cold pizza my mum made last night. It has peppers and onions and vegan chicken on it, and no cheese because I hate cheese. It's nicer cold, actually, and much cheaper than buying pizza from a pizza place. I haven't showered in a long time, so maybe I should do that, but there isn't really a point anyway. Gee, I thought these meds were supposed to be helpful? I've been taking an SSRI for about 8 weeks now. There's been zero effects except from a decrease in my motivation, which may be caused by the meds themselves or might just be a coincidence. I get waves of lesser motivation that last for weeks or months at a time, and then sometimes I have more motivation and can actually do things occasionally like play games. I'm waiting for a particular anon I met somewhere to email me, but i'm worried that he completely forgot about it or died or something heh. That'd make me a little sad. It's not about friendship, by the way, because i'm incapable of the friendship thing.
...Hmmm, well... I dunno what else, really. I'm pretty annoyed about all this unresolved energy, but maybe I should just go back into the 'actually doing stuff' phase. I could probably read a couple books, some visual novels, play some of the fire emblem games I haven't finished. It's meaningless, sure, and i'd be distracted and anxious the whole time, but it's about as good as anything else anyway.
I really, really hate this.
I'm still connected to everything... It's very exhausting. Everything else is jostling and justling and all the wires inside me connected to those things are being pulled to and fro like fishhooks in my flesh, etching a bloody cavity into my inner parts, a jolt of scratching pain, like a knife being pulled through the insides of my flesh by the hooked wires that are stuck inside my brain. People are dumb. I've long grown weary of how unbelievably stupid they are. I don't want to be [wired] to anything else anymore. I don't want to be connected to anything else anymore. The world is completely empty. Even if i'm disconnected from everything, that just leaves me nothing.
Who am i WHO am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am iw ho am i whoam wii who am i who am i who am i who am kki who am i who am i awho ai am i who am i whoam im who am i who am i who am i who a m i who am i who am i who am hwoiwho am i who am wi who am oi who am i?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDtvZRGPa88
I think about death and existence alot, and it makes me feel really terrified. I fear death, yeah, but that fear stems from a fear of existence itself. Just the idea that... there's no designer of this, and... it's hard to find words for what I want to say. But when I think about the fact that anything exists, and about the fact that i'm just one part of existence, and that an infinitely long time has and will pass before and after I die... And that everything will continue to be, and it will remain a fact that I was and then died, and that this is real. It's really real. I'm really here. Ahahaha, no, I don't really get it... What any of this is. It's really bizarre. Even our representations are weird, but things just get weirder when you consider reality without them... So colour doesn't exist, and sound doesn't exist, and all of these concepts of qualia don't exist, and all of our science is just models of things we can only funnel through our qualia. And in reality, what is... is so very bizarre. ...And I can't find the words for what i'm trying to say. So when I think about that concreteness of the fact that I exist, and the concreteness of the fact that I will die, and the never-ending -fact- of existence existing, it terrifies me. My heart starts beating so fast, and all I can do is say "no" under my breathe over and over. And if I dwell on it for two long, i'll feel this cold feeling like metal for a couple days afterwards even stronger than normal. I get that feeling also when I shower for some reason. The ""existency" feeling... Does anyone else get that? I can't find a better adjective for it than ""existency"". Yeah, well, anyway... Mostly I was just thinking about the future that awaits me. What's it's going to be like to grow old and die. I'm really worried about that. I can't find the words to convey this at all. That cold, metallic feeling like overwhelming, all-encompassing despair. A hollow emptiness like a blistering heat. The fear of existence itself. I don't really have the energy to feel sad about it. I just feel so deeply empty, anon. There isn't anything left for me to feel knowing that overwhelming despair.
...I can't find anything else to talk about, but it feels like there should be something.
The existency feeling... It's clinical. Cold and sharp like metal. Empty, with reverb, like a hollow metal construction. There isn't anything within it to salvage. Just uncomforting things. Unfamiliar things. Lurid, harsh, jagged, effacing. There might be someone being stabbed with a scalpel inside the metal construction. And he's screaming in such a guttural, revolting way. It must hurt so badly. It must hurt so badly. But for some reason he isn't dying. The pain is going on in this landscape of cold metal. He keeps getting stabbed and etched with the scalpel. The pain hurts just as badly every time. He doesn't get used to it. It's so bad. It's so indescribably bad. Clinical... It's cold. Really cold. Everything feels so empty. And he gets stabbed again. Those screams won't stop. It will continue for months, and years. But this empty structure has always been here. Why has it been here? Why will it still be here? I don't understand... and such.
Oh, this sucks so much. Why can't my brain just work like a normal persons... I can't find it in me to do a single thing. Not anything. There's too much things that I could be doing... How can I possibly commit to just one thing? Insatiable, and such... Dissatisfied, and such... Brain, what's up with you? Don't you realize that apathy - contentedness - is Godhod? Ascension? ...I don't get this at all. What's existing like for the average person? Why do they do the things they do? How can they possibly be at any peace or contentedness?
...See, the funny thing about life is that you win it when you're contented. The only way to win is to feel apathetic enough to opt out from it. I was born in really human-centric times. Tons of illusions all around the place with this species. I often think it's miraculous. You realize how much of a minority humans are among sentient life, right? Even if we consider every human throughout history, that's still only 117 billion, or so. That isn't very many at all when we consider all the other life here - as a funny consideration, our factory farming systems kill trillions of sentient creatures every year. That dwarves how many humans have ever lived.
The perception of life as anything remotely positive is only a modern, privileged idea. Before this, trillions, upon trillions of animals have been tearing eachother apart... being eaten alive... starving to death... And all of them eventually died. In a perpetual game of survival, in a desolate, cold world where it's kill or be killed. That's... so horrific. How can any of you not feel absolute disgust at this? This world is horrible! That brings me into my next point, though. If the amount of living humans in existence is dwarfed by other sentient creatures, then why was... 'I' born human? Why was it me? It's perhaps a stupid question. I was never going to 'be' anyone else, but... Still. Aren't the odds remarkably slim in the abstract sense? Humans are tiniest, tiniest fraction of existence. Modern humans, with all their fancy technology and our privileged lifestyles in the west only really emerged in the last 100 years or so. I was born as a human, and I was born now of all times! It seems... I dunno, remarkable. Extraordinarily luck. My point isn't a "Oh, I got sooo lucky, DANCE PARTY! (～￣▽￣)～" as much as it is about the fate I was lucky enough to avoid. Very, very lucky... But the rest of them. Their pain was real. It was really real. It is real. And all I can do is live some superficial "happy" life, surrounded by glib freaks, knowing the backbone of astronomical suffering that my pleasures are mounted on. ...And such.
How could I waste my life on anything other than suffering reduction? I can't just forego the only value in the universe to jerk off and play pokemon, or something. I... how should I live my life? What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to find my way to slot in, but... I feel listless all the time. I just can't make myself commit to anything at all. Not with a full heart. Um, so another thing. I feel really heavy most of the time. I'm a free person. I have no obligations, and i'm a legal adult, so... In theory, i'm free to do whatever I please. But then why do I feel so suffocated and burdened? Why do I feel so restricted? I yearn for a sort of... airy feeling. Like waking up, and knowing a day awaits ahead for you to freely indulge in all manner of things that you're passionate about. Feeling excited to just... do whatever you enjoy doing. Do people normally feel that way...? I'm probably imagining it. I want to "feel" free. But I guess freedom was never for a sentient being like me to have... We're all caged here. This will isn't mine. I'm just some caged perspective. This guy was never me...
...I mean, what else is there to say? My life and considerations are all such petty little things anyway. But i've also been afforded an opportunity. The privilege of being born human in the time I was. I want to believe my life won't be useless. I have to be a steppingstone towards the end of suffering, or my life will have been meaningless. But that opportunity for a meaningful existence is precisely the privilege I was granted. Even if, in truth, I was never really here. It's not like the me in the grave will remember this happened. So it didn't. ...Even if you're one of those people who thinks death isn't the end, i'm certain my memories wouldn't join me unto the next world. This guy is doomed. He'll die. I'm sure of it. Yeah, well. Life, huh? It's a whole annoying thing... I have no idea what to do now. Gotta find something to do in meat-space. and such.
I can't focus on anything. I can't focus on anything. Waking up every day is a burden. Existing is a burden. ...It's easier for me right after i've woken up. That's when I feel the calmest. As the day goes on, i'm filled with anxiety and dread, until all I want to do is sleep until it goes away. My baseline state, when i'm free from any of those negative feelings is... mild amusement. I woke up this morning, and looked at my hand, and it looked so weird to me. The world sounded so quiet. But I lose that sense as the day goes on and i'm filled with anxiety...
...I can't focus on anything. I have OCD or something and it won't go away. I want to detach from everything, but my brain won't let me. ...or something.
...I was thinking, also, that it's really sad that human existence is so ugly. 3D people are gross - there's no flair, or style, or a sense of good aesthetics. The human experience is aesthetically gross. ...I don't know what my point is. I'm just said that my existence is ugly. ...I don't really know what I want to say.
Sigh... I just want to lie down and do nothing for years. But I can't make myself. No, I don't really know... I'm just confused.
I want to detach. Why can't I detach? I don't understand. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know what precisely is wrong with me. I hate where I am. Let me shed my ego and body and ascend. I want to murder everyone in the entire world. It'd feel so nice to just silence every single one of them. To erase all of the noise. I don't understand. My brain is hopeless. I don't know what will stop him. I don't know how to make him let me go so I can drift away. I don't know what I want. Why do I hate myself? I don't know how I can make myself not hate myself. Please let me detach. Let me detach. Please let me detach. Let me detach. I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't get it.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.
A compressed form. Pushed inwards, on the breaking point. At any second, it could shatter into a million bloody pieces.
I yearned for things that I cannot ever grasp, and lived in the filth of a wretched, decaying mindscape.
There was nothing there at all, except above my head, an endless sky above, tinted blue and red.
I reached out my hand, and yet could never reach. Like a wallpaper over the world, it felt so close to touch.
But here I still remained, clawing at the rain, my weary eyes will close, before I know repose.
...It's hopeless. I disavow all of this. I'm just being lead along like a fool, towards a prickly den of illusions.
Death can be the only respite.
Will you take my outstretched hand?
Let's both wash away the sand
Please just let me help you stand
we can fly away
There's nowhere we need to be
Don't you see were truly free?
Come on, please
Just soar away with me
No regrets
Onwards towards the stars
I hate feeling so empty.
I think for a very long time i've been obsessed and preoccupied with a certain idea. It's an idea of... I dunno, all the layers of the world falling off. Everything peeling back. Of wondering out a maze you never realized you were in. I dunno. For example, serial experiments lain is an example of this. Everything seems normal, but as the show goes on, more and more layers of the ordinary are peeled back, and lain realizes: She was never human. Her parents were never her parents. She was always part of the [wired]. I can imagine a scenario where I just happen to stumble upon the out of bounds, or the limits of the illusion. Where I realize my memories were never real, and my past never happened, and my family were never my family, and so on... Maybe this is a simulation that came to be just now. My memories were implanted right this instant. Outside of my door, there's a black void that'll fill in when I approach it. Everyone else is just a philosophical zombie... Something like that. I love the idea that everything is a lie. I love the idea of everything that seemed ordinary just falling away to reveal something abstract and incomprehensible. Something that you try to explain but can't no matter how much you try to. ...That's an idea i've been very attached to, and it's hard to really put into words. In one moment, everything makes sense. In the next, everything is recontextualized in ways I could never imagine. The Alice books also sort of capture this feeling. Also Fran Bow. Remember 11 does to a certain extent as well. Yume Nikki too. To me they're all loosely united by this same aesthetic or idea i'm talking about that I can't really properly convey.
Come to think of it, I guess psychedelics might help me experience something of the sort. I just want that... sense that i've unveiled the curtain. Peeked behind the illusion... and arrived in an even less understandable landscape. I want my life to be an elaborate illusion or lie. I want to be missing something vital. I dunno. My words aren't even conveying it properly. I don't know if anyone would understand what i'm talking about. Maybe that person would've... It's just egoism anyway, I assume. Is that all it comes down to? I don't really know. I've gotten too complacent to ego-san as of late. I don't really know anyway.
This is all another face of... The same thing I spend alot of time obsessing over. How I always talk about ascension, and transcending things. The idea i'm talking about is another face of that insatiable yearning I feel... for whatever vague thing this is. I don't know. It's just weird. Saying it all just feels really stupid. Almost nobody else focuses so much on such weird, abstract nonsense. I don't know. Life has no meaning. So my way of being isn't wrong. I already know the answer. The value of an action is in it's potential to reduce suffering. It's a limiting idea in a sense, but also... Since we don't know much about the consequences of our actions, really, the fact that that's all that matters is like a freedom of a kind. I can live and be in the most abstract, odd ways imaginable, and as long as i'm not hurting others, I cannot say i'm wrong. Cause' we'll all die anyway. It's kind of freeing. But... I dunno, i'm really just confused. Feel like i'm forgetting something. Like there was something to say, something important, that has slipped my mind... Well, that's how it always feels.
Well, this has been a disaster. It started a while ago. Maybe a month ago? I'm not normally this bad, I don't think... I know I did at least a couple things. Sometimes. Before now. Now it's just day after day of aimless shitposting... Watching youtube videos and refreshing imageboards. How utterly drab. I need to cut it out - seriously. It might be because of the SSRI. I don't know. Well, anyway... The [wired] has inflitrated the world and threaded it's way into my brain, and etched a indent to stay and thrive, and multiplied and congealed and solidified inside, and it's constantly spitting it's toxins throughout me and I feel ill.
I'm so lost... Where am I? I don't know where me is going. I don't know where me is. I feel like i'm losing him. ...What am I talking about? I'm just... not who I wished I was. Anxia. I feel so empty. I feel really, really empty. I don't know who I am, anxia. What kind of person am I? What really matters to me? What do I truly desire? Who am I? Who am I? Nothing but masquerade. Where do I look when I want something familiar to grasp onto? Something to return for comfort after navigating all those unfamiliar, lurid things. ...The only place I know to return are my narcissistic abstractions. And I always feel like they're slipping away. I get worried. I have nothing without them. If I lose this, I lose everything. That's what I feel. Anxia... Anxia... Anxia...
I can't grasp anything. Everything is slipping through my hands. I'll lose myself, and all the sewage will spill in. Inside, and out, it'll be utterly wretched. My existence will be a farce. It is a farce. I don't understand. Where am I? Where is the world? Where... I don't know. I should prevent suffering... That's the rational truth. I should detach and ascend... Idle information. Out there in the world. It isn't me. That isn't me. But I don't know where I am. Where is me? I don't understand.
I just need silence. If I can force myself to silence, then I can sift through all of this infornoraphy. I don't get it. Where am I? I don't get it. I'm yearning, now, I think. I don't get it. I don't know what i'm supposed to do. Why am I here? Why am I here? I don't get it. Don't show me things I can't grasp. I'm separate from everything, and I yearn for everything. The division of 'I' from 'all', I was borne that curse. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.
What am I doing? I don't understand. Where am I? Please leave me alone. I don't want these compulsions. I am equal to experience - I am equal to the world. I am not him. I am not I. So please let me go. Don't drag me around like this. Let me out of this cage. I'm dying. SELF who is rotting in the infinity loop. Please let me out. I don't know. I think I lost a point ten ways down the highway. I don't have one anymore.
I hate myself so much. Anxia, I just want this to stop. But i'll still wake up tomorrow and feel the same way. Who am I? I'm lost. I don't understand anything. I don't understand any of this. I'm such a goddamn idiot. I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I... want to be cleaned. I want to be cleansed. That's how I feel right now. I want to be cleansed. I'm not good enough. My brain is filled with so much garbage. I'm insufficient. Unsatisfactory. Inadequate. I... have to prevent suffering. That's all there is. So I can forget about everything else... I just need to stop people from suffering. So I just want to forget everything else. I want to be cleansed. I'm so stupid. So stupid. I've failed. I've failed. I've failed. I've failed.
I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. Something's missing. Something's missing. Something's missing. This is all wrong. This is all wrong. This is all wrong. This is all wrong. ...That's right. I should just... detach from all these illusions. Grasp the truth. I'm qualia. I am perspective. My memories are qualia. My ego is qualia. I am experience. There is no past. There is no future. ...Or something.
I don't get it.
I truly am an idiot.
Haha, I mean... How does anyone else do it? Interacting with other people has such a profoundly negative effect on me... It's really, really bad. Human interaction can make my entire world ring hollow and empty. It can make me feel like, if I had found something to hold onto, that that thing was in reality worthless, and that there isn't a single good thing in life. That any hope of salvaging some good here is completely hopeless. That's the effect human interaction has on me. Each word they direct my way is like being stabbed. Every opinion they express is tainted. That's what human interaction feels like to me. It taints everything. They taint everything. Hell is other people, and I want my soul to be cleansed.
I feel empty and listless. It's business as usual.
Nonexistence is entirely unproblematic. "Problem" is a human concept, and this human concept only exists because of suffering. Therefore, suffering-free states are entirely unproblematic, because it is impossible to perceive them as problematic. Pleasure doesn't actually enter the equation - The presence of pleasure is unproblematic, but it's absence is also unproblematic, unless it's absence causes suffering. If it's absence doesn't cause suffering, it's impossible to see at is problematic, and therefore value itself has no value, except instrumentally in it's absence theorof suffering. The only step left to take is to agree that we ought to prevent problems. This doesn't seem like much of an additional stretch, as that's literally what we spend our entire existence doing. If we agree we should prevent problems, then it makes no sense to only prevent some problems and not others: Or rephrased, it makes no sense to prevent some suffering as opposed to all suffering, since suffering itself is what defines the concept of problem in the first place. Therefore, we ought to prevent all suffering, because all suffering is a problem. Since there is no suffering in nonexistence, nonexistence is completely unproblematic. Since we should prevent problems, we should aim for unproblematic states, and therefore we should aim for nonexistence. If death is the end, then it is rational to commit suicide. It is rational to prevent birth. It is rational to kill all life.
...In any event, I don't care about any of that. It's rational and good and all, but I am already certain I will not commit suicide. My foremost priority? Making the most of my existence. Heheh, but what should I do to achieve that? I want to detach and ascend, that is what i'm truly passionate about. Abstraction. But is that true? I don't know. Whatever will bring me the most satisfaction and contentedness - I have no idea. I am absolutely uncertain. Ahh, what to do?
Oh, this is incoherent, isn't it? See, I have all these vague feelings and yearnings in me... I'm trying to grasp at it, you know? What to do, what to do... Nothing's quite cutting it. I feel empty. Insatiable. Dissatisfied. Etceteri... This is such a pain.
To be exact, "problem" is a concept that only exists in sentient life. To say it's only a human concept is anthropocentric, and false.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irk4a6Cbel4
Ethics is sort of my obsession. I think about it most of the time, on most days. My preoccupation with this topic is only challenged by my preoccupation with how others perceive me. Those are two of the things I obsess over the most - much to my chagrin. The latter has zero value to me, and while the former is very important to me, there's no reason I should continue to ponder the topic so deeply when i've already reached most of my conclusions.
As I spend too excessively long focusing on ethics, I have come to some - in my view - fairly unequivocal stances on the matter. Still, I do frequently hit a roadblock or two that forces me to stop and ponder. As of now, I have only three open queries as regards all of ethical thought. I have a fairly good answer for two of these, although I doubt i'll ever reach an absolute certainty, and for the last I have almost no answer that i'm satisfied with. And that it is the only query in all of my ethical framework that I still feel entirely ambiguous on is a testament to how difficult it is to answer: I'd venture to call it my final boss in regard to this subject. Some final, insurmountable challenge. Will I overcome it?
Anyway, here they are. My three open queries:
1. Does objective value exist? Is there an objective, normative ethics?
Reading this one, you may assume it's the "final boss" I was talking about, but it actually isn't. I already have a... relatively concrete answer on this. Which is: Yes, it does exist. However, it's difficult to precisely explain why, and even harder to prove. Which is why it's still an open query. The short version is that I consider it an objective statement to say "Suffering ought to be prevented", which by the way also bridges the so called is ought gap by simply making the ought an is in of itself. The reason I consider this objective is that all suffering, by necessity of it's own experience, is perceived as bad, and carries an intrinsic sense of urgency for it's own negation - And, if it didn't, then it wouldn't be suffering in the first place. It's important to state that this urgency isn't a thought, but rather a feeling. An actual qualitative aspect of sufferings mere experience. It can be said that suffering has an inherent qualitative aspect that calls out for it's own negation, and that -makes- this negation good. Moreover, this is an absolutely normative statement, and what does objective mean if not normative? There is no experience of suffering which is not felt as bad, and which does not create call for alleviation, and a moral realist case could be made as such. Even if I don't take this argument for an objective one, suffering of the most extreme kinds leave very little doubt in their normative nature. The most unbearable kinds of suffering are literally impossible to consent to - almost as if the will is being forced to conform to some sort of "objective" reality. If we extend this sentiment to all suffering, then indeed, is it so infeasible to call it objective that it ought to be negated or prevented? Moreover, I don't think we could say the same thing about pleasure, as it's not like the absence of pleasure has some kind of normative calling for it's creation in the same way that sufferings presence has for it's negation. Well, one could claim this, but I think it's nowhere near as feasible as sufferings claim. You could also say pleasure is objectively "good", which I consider a dubious concept, because really the ceiling of value is at neutrality, but is there an inherent normative quality in the universe, or even in pleasure, which makes it such that we OUGHT to create pleasure, in the same way that suffering has an inherent quality that calls for it's negation? I don't think so. I don't think it would be an accurate description of reality to call pleasures value normative, as it doesn't have any value when there are no beings to yearn for it, and no beings to experience it. But sufferings value can be said to be absolutely normative, as the statement that suffering ought to be prevented can still be said to be true, even when nothing exists, and even when there isn't anyone existing that's yearning for it's absence or something. Of course, the concept of "pleasure" as some symmetrical opposite of suffering really does fall apart on the merest examination, as it becomes obvious pleasure is the mere negation of pain. The concept of "pleasure" and "good", are in my opinion a horrendous mar on a ethics that is a clear and accurate description of the actual state of affairs in reality. It is my belief that value works like this: There are problematic states, and unproblematic states, and no in-between. And these problematic states, moreover, are problematic because they contain an inherent qualitative aspect that call for their own negation - That's sort of a necessary aspect of "feels bad". The lines starts at 0 and ends at -1; There is no +1 within the equation. This is what I believe to be an accurate descriptor of actual reality and of how our experiences actually function.
2. Does pleasure have value? More specifically, is the absence of pleasure problematic?
This is a problem i've only come to consider more deeply recently, because to me, the answer seems well and truly obvious: The creation of pleasure carries no normative value. That said, I am prone to play devil's advocate, and it's true that I cannot strictly disprove the notion that pleasure has (normative, non-instrumental) value, even if it defies my intuition and what I would call an accurate description of reality. Let me explain. The creation of pleasure would be normatively valuable if we could prove that it's absence is always "problematic". The presence of suffering is always problematic to the one experiencing it, but the absence of pleasure doesn't have that to lean on. Instead, the only claim we can make that it's creation (if it indeed exists) has value would be either a perfectly subjective one, or a moral realist case that the absence of pleasure is literally objectively bad... to the universe itself somehow. That to the universe itself, it is somehow objectively right to create pleasure. That somehow, it is right even when there is no being who can desire it's presence, or who is harmed by it's absence. Which is... Really the most bizarre claim. I don't think it's feasible, but I have presented it nonetheless. Here's an additional point: I have called pleasures value purely instrumental, in that it's absent of suffering, and while I do think pleasure can only exist as the alleviation of some deficit, one argument that could be made is that this "sensation" created by the alleviation of this deficit is... More than the sum of it's parts, so to speak, and an actually valuable, and completely unique qualitative experience, which is more than just an alleviation of a harm. Even then, it doesn't necessarily follow that we ought to create this sensation, but it is yet another point i've considered. Finally, under my current framework, complete nonexistence, and an existence consisting of nothing but "pleasure" (If this is even possible) would be perfectly equal to eachother. But should I really accept a conclusion that gives so little value to pleasure, that it sees it's creation as simply "neutral"? Is that really an accurate reflection of reality? My answer upon consideration is basically a very blunt yes, but those are the questions which have made me question my views the most. Honestly, I think this was something I sorely needed to think about, but having done so, I just feel more vindicated in my initial stances. Anyway, onto the question I don't have an answer for.
3. How do we decide which suffering to prioritize? If given two different options, how do we decide which ought to be prevented?
This is the final boss I was talking about - the one I can't answer. As an example, if we were given a choice to prevent one instance of extreme suffering, ie what happened to Junko Furuta, which the victim considers "unoutweighable" in the sense that they wouldn't accept any amount of pleasure, or anything at all as a trade off for going through it (In other words it's so bad it's literally impossible to outweigh or consent to according to the victim.) or an arbitrarily large amount of really bad sufferings ie hundreds of people being stabbed in the stomach, which ought we to prioritize? This cuts to the heart of a very hard question in utilitarian ethics, and that is the difficulty in quantify the value of suffering relative to eachother. As for possible answers, Magnus Vinding has one. He claims that a single instance of unoutweighable suffering ought to be prioritized over any arbitrarily large amount of "bearable" suffering, which can be outweighed in the victims' eyes, even if that bearable suffering is extremely, severely bad. Now, i've pondered these topics for a very long time, and the fact that he had to bite the bullet on a conclusion like THAT... It's so unbelievably unintuitive, yet I can't even begin to say that I think he's wrong, nor can I begin to say I think he's right. He makes an argument that there are... lesser forms of suffering, that even added together an arbitraily large number of times, will not amount to a higher order form of suffering. Sort of like gradually approaching 1, but never actually reaching it. It's a hilarious claim actually, because he's arguing for quanta's of suffering lol. Discrete suffering. Archilles and the tortoise are on suicide watch right now - but of course the tortoise will always have it worse. No, but really, my point is that it's a very ambiguous question, and I don't know if i'll ever answer it. If I do, i'm sure i'll have to bite some really unintuitive bullet like Magnus has done.
...In any event, these three queries have been gradually growing and gnawing away at me for a while now. But the answers I have are probably already good enough, and the last one doesn't really matter that much. See, pondering obscure stuff like this never served a purpose, perse, it's just... fun? I dunno why I do it, but it's not for practical means, I know that much. ...
Nevermind any of that nonsense though. It's soooo boring.
Wanna forget everything and just sleep... Wanna feel light. Wanna detach from everything, and shed my ego, and be taken by complete apathy. Just let me ascend already... Who cares about all the garbage i've been chained to in my life? My family, and my past, and my identity and all these opinions and ideas I have... None of it matters. Just let me ascend into a new existence. Just let me discard everything. I'm not actually real.
The past doesn't exist. I was born right this instant. I am not me. I am not qualia. ...I'm never going to be content, am I? I can't think to do anything at all except to destroy myself. To smash my ego into itty bitty little pieces, and to move beyond these notions. Why stay in this primitive state? I'm ready to move onwards to other things.
I will die. Apathy. Ascension. Discard..... and such. Wow, i'm boring myself.
I don't get it. I'm so confused. I don't know how to exist. Why do anything? I'm so confused. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I exist, and i'm also going to die. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. That stuff. And that other pointless stuff. The doing things thing. The doing nothing thing. Why do either? Dunno, must be a reason. Trying to find something, dunno what. I don't get it, and such. I hate identity and I hate language. I don't get it. Make it stop. I don't get it. Make it stop. No. I don't get it. no. no. I don't get it. Ascend. No. Don't i don't know. I don't get it. stop.
I wish I understood everything.
I want to rise to the apex of the world. I want to be worshipped - to be above everything. Or some such. I just said the words that struck my fancy, and I don't know I necessarily meant them. But then, I don't know if I mean anything. Or maybe I mean everything. Who cares? I couldn't find the words. I had an itch, like there was something left unsaid. Like there was something I had to put to page. But i'm just drawing a blank.
I feel so frequently this urge to know everything. To know it all, and to observe the world with a detachment, seeing everything that they miss. Or something. It's easy to romanticise all manner of things, but does romanticisation ever actually match up to reality? No, it never seems to. I wish I knew more, is all. I wish I had more dots in my head to connect with the new dots I come across, and... Well, I dunno. ...I have no idea what to do. Everything I can do feels... unappetizing. Unappealing. But still, I feel dissatisfied and empty, and yearning. There's a void in me and i'm always grasping around for something that will fill it. I feel aimless and lost. I don't know where I am, or who I is. What will fill me? I have no idea... How should I spend this time I have? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I can't find it. I'm looking for something, and I can't find it. Did I forget what i'd grasped earlier? I don't know. But I guess... Most of all, I don't have any idea how I can live this absurd life without any other sense than one of emptiness and desolation. If none of this matters in the slightest, then it certainly feels like it. And yet, most seem to live with vigour and purpose... They confuse me very much. Well, whatever.
There's nowhere I need to be, and nothing I need to do. But just let go and drift by the tides, in an aimless way, towards nowhere in particular. And perhaps the waves will erode it all away; this brittle ego and these brittle attachments. These brittle [wires] lodged crudely into my cranium. And through some cavity carved into my side, all the things that are inner will out of me fall. Then the lie may crumble apart, and i'll be nobody at all. ...or something.
I'm a silly person. A stupid one, too.
refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh refresh refresh refresh frefresh refresh
I just want to shed everything keeping me tied down. Keeping me down here in this lowly place. I can't wait until i'm completely and utterly alone, with no connection to anyone or anything.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? And such.
What does it mean to not be fine? Where do you draw the line?
I don't know... I don't get it. I don't understand.
Sometimes certain things will feel familiar, even though i've never encountered them before. Sometimes, it gets very strong and leaves me confused. One of those times, I was playing a game. Your Turn to Die. Anyway, for most of the second half playing the game, everything about it felt... so bizarrely familiar. Like I was almost certain i'd encountered it somewhere before. I thought back to the past trying to remember just where the overpowering sense of familiarity towards the game was coming from, but I couldn't figure it out. It was very strange, but i'm not trying to say anything crazy. Like "I played the game in a past life" or something. Just... Whenever I have feelings like that, I get really happy. Because I have a sense like the present reality is hiding something deeper. Like things just aren't adding up, and it's such an exhilarating feeling. I feel too present in the world... If the brain is capable of being here presently, but producing dreamstates completely disconnected from external reality, then why can't I be that disconnected all the time? I want to lose track of the world; of humans; of social norms; and... and so on... Anyway, I do experience deja vu pretty frequently. It's a very peculiar feeling. Every time it happens, I always jump to having meta-thoughts. It feels like if I had anticipated it, and tried a little harder, i'd have barely been able to know my future before it happened. I'm not saying that's the case, it's just how it feels... Being so close to grasping at the future, but being exactly the present moment off from it. I dunno, it's hard to explain... I love feelings like that. I want my internal world to fall apart. It's too... consistent. I don't know what i'm saying, or if I even mean any of it.
I don't know. Just want to be unshackled. Uninhibited, bla... I don't know. I know I had something I wanted to express, but my words aren't grasping it very well. Sigh... That's how it always is. I have a keyboard over there. Sometimes I sit in front of it, and play random notes. But i'm no musician, and it never sounds how I want. But it's more like I don't know how I want it to sound. My words are the same way... No, my life is the same way. It's in imprint - a self-expression. To myself, and for myself, and I either lack the skills needed to express it, or don't know what there is to say in the first place. I am the writer, musician, artist, editor, director, cameraman, actors and audience... Where do I start acting out a play? I'm none of those things. And most importantly, why? If the only audience is me, it all seems so vapid and pointless... All I can say is that i'm here on stage, without an explanation. What do I do now?
...I don't really know what I want to say, i'm sorry.
I'm disappointing my ego. He wants me to be cooler, I guess. Something like that. Ego is irrational anyway. But why not appease it? Well, there's no reason not to, but no reason to either. All that matters is suffering. Or something. So if killing my ego kills suffering, I should do it. Or if building up some vapid self-delusion that is human identity brings me peace, that is also a valid path.
It's just confusing, frankly. Will never get used to this brain thing.
Who am I?
If I keep asking that, will I stop hating myself?
I don't know what to say. It's not like there is anything worth saying.
I feel like i'm losing my mind. No, not really, my mind is still here and I wish it wasn't. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? I don't know who this person is. What kind of person is he? What does he want? What is he like? I can't do anything to help anyone... Do I even want to? I don't care about others. But i'm obligated to prevent suffering. I can't do anything. My life is meaningless. It's self-masturbatory egoism, in an endless circle. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it.
The pain can't affect me. Ethics are objective, and self inflicted pain is pointless. Brain punishes me but it's pointless and irrational. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. No more. no more. no mroe. no more. no more. no more. no more. let me go let me go lte me go let me go let me go make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
who am i who am i who am i WHO AM I WHO AM I WHO AM I WHO AM I WHO AM I WHO AM I help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me
nononono no no no non no no no no no no no n on onono no no no no no n onononononono eho am #i whoam i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i help help help help help help help help make it stop help please help make it stop make it stop no no no non no nononon ononn make it stop make it stop help help make ti stop
...Preventing suffering is objectively good. The best means to attain that are ambigious. However, it is evident that I should do what I can to suffer less myself. That is all regarding that.
Other than that, i'm not happy about who I am, but I can't change it, because presently I am me. It's okay. Everything's okay. Everything's okay.
What?
ascend
I'm in so much pain. Why can't I forget? This world isn't for me. Let me leave to the next. Please.
The [wired] is such a cold, desolate place. I don't know anything. I don't know what to do now. It's all over. There's nothing in this world for me. Not a single thing. Just a thorny maze that hurts to navigate with no prize at the end. My ego is being pulled apart. It's being stabbed at and teared, and it's being battered and... Maybe that's a good thing...If my ego is abused and destroyed and tears and warps, maybe it'll eventually break and disappear. And in that case, it would be good if I hurt more.
I don't know what to do. There's nowhere for me. There's nowhere and nothing in the world. It's a dead landscape. It's just dead. But it's all pointless. Why can't I stop? All that's left is to stop. And still, i'm filled with unease and emptiness. I'm nobody. I'm nobody. Just violent, lurid sense data. All I should do is forget the world. I hope I can ascend and escape my body and become a God. But that won't happen. I can't escape higher than a lucid dream in sleep. That's the furthest I can transcend myself. I want to writhe and revel in this disgusting internal world on my own. Too much new information. Should stop taking things in and writhe inside my head for many years alone. Or some such.
There's no other answer. I have to stop now. There's nowhere for me except from within myself. There's nowhere else I can be.
This is just stupid. But I hope this is the end.
It feels so barely out of reach. Like how the future is a picosecond away from the present. It's infinitesimally close, yet you can't ever grasp it. If something can just break... some kind of line finally be crossed... towards something infinitesimally close... I want to transcend so badly. I need to transcend. I need to slip out of those world, and into the new one that's infinitesimally close but that lies just barely out of grasp. Like how the 2d axis exists within the 3d. The 3d is comprised of infinite 2d images extending onto another axis. But it's not like the 3d is far away from the 2d. The 3d is right under 2d's nose, and it feels like the 2d should be able to grasp something so close, and yet a 2d being couldn't do that. I'm like a 2d being who just wants to grasp that 3-dimensional axis that's right under my nose. Maybe the analogy is weak, I don't know. And it hardly matters anyway. Transcendence: Being a gay stupid retard, ect. that's the point.
This needs to be the end. I have to go. I can't stay where I am.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know where to go now. I keep failing. I hope everything is temporary. Everything will pass.
I feel so terrible. Why do I always have to feel this way? Why? Why? Why? I remember feeling the same feeling as a little kid. I felt so uncomfortable with being human. Uncomfortable with identity, and my existence relative to others, and the fact that my existence is tied to a physical body, and a continuous ego notion. And... something. I want it to stop. Please, just make it stop. I can't even find the words. But I don't like this at all. I don't know what I want, but it isn't this. No more of this. No more. No more. No more.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. I don't know. It hurts. Why? Why do my words keep failing me? Why? Why? Why?
oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it STOP IT STOP IT
make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
make it stop make it stop...
i'll be fine. i'll just have to do things right instead of wrong. i have to do smart things intead of stupid things. it'll be fine.
I don't really see the point of the world. I hate having to brush my teeth every day, and shower. Too much effort. Seriously... I'm going to be alive for sooooo long. And that involves so many obligations and so much maintenance. Feel really empty. ...I hate doing things. I can't put my finger on why, but I hate doing things and consuming new information. Existing feels heavy. Can't carry any more weight. That might be why I don't like doing things.
I'm failing at my word-finding-expressioning. Okie-dokie.
Who am I?
This is all wrong. Something in my perception is off. This doesn't seem right. Something's wrong. There's a better way to perceive the world. There's a better way to exist. I'm missing something. Something's eluded me.
...Probably not.
I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it.
I don't get it. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't get it.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... Stop all the noise. Stop all the noise. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.
I feel so incredibly dull and uninspired... Empty and directionless. Etceteri. Ugh... I don't get it. What is this, exactly?
i
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know Who am I Who am I who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i
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solder trust towards the brightest of futures i live to understand you are not the lie that ever lived to prepare me for things that were unprepepared and not ready at all not ready you are a liar i lost myself to the way pf the losing me all the way you are god god is to hoe for you to know god the turh fof you go hold on the reeep thtne hie ho nobody wpo post ghejkvj jjdkdpkfkvyou th egbobndmshcked the wayygh the losrr og th ecentrury to the nugefitp sya the wayb of th jholldp ei
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This is excruciatingly painful. But I have to deal with it myself. It's my destiny to be alone. I'm not meant to be among them.
I.. don't really get it.... who am i..
...
I don't know. This is just stupid.
I'm so scared. Existence is so terrifying and awful.
Curbing my internet addiction doesn't seem especially hard on it's face. If I block the website, I don't feel especially compelled to bother unblocking it. Using my own apathy and lethargy to aid me, I suppose. I feel better the more isolated I am. That's why the compulsion to communicate is so annoying. Communicating isn't good. It's very, very bad for so many reasons. I'll cut it out. Where else to direct this energy, though? I have urges to do some things. It all ends up in the same place though... Nothing really brings me contentedness. It all feels as transient as it is. Feel so hopeless.
So hopeless. I'm free to do anything, and I can't find a single thing in the entire universe that's right.
Why does it feel like I can't rest? The mere act of existing, lying down, even doing nothing... It's so exhausting.
I'm free... I'm free... I'm free... I'm free...
I'm obviously not free. Who is this?
