this is such a small corner of the internet, im thinking about making a thread here to be my personal blog because writing things down in my diary just isnt doing it for me anymore
He’s never coming back, is he?
I'll start at some point.. now is good I guess. i dont write every day, usually only when the feeling hits me.
today has been alright, I'm going to try to sleep at a reasonable time. I've fallen into this horrible habit of staying up until early morning, then sleeping all day. I used to get up early because I like to fit as much as I can into a day. Its the same reason why I have such a hard time falling asleep, im always thinking "have I fit in as much as I can into today? Did i waste too much time? Could I be doing more" and at that point sleeping becomes a massive waste of time that would be better spent doing anything else. I dont even have anything pressing or important to do, I'm just too anxious to lay there and fall asleep. I set an alarm for an hour or two later so I can get back up and be productive but I'll sleep through it and wake up at noon, and then realizing that I've wasted half the day I'll stay up late again. Need to break this cycle soon, because its starting to affect my eating habits as well and lately I've had a constant headache. I think this is a side effect of my main problem of having a lack of purpose; I do everything trying to find something fulfilling and am still dissatisfied and empty in the end, anxiety and indecision bubbling up within me
Oh well, maybe a good nights sleep will help calm me down
on second thought maybe i wont make this my personal blog, i get nervous about releasing too much information about myself online. this really just highlights my indecisiveness
Still here. Still awake. Thinkin a lot, maybe gonna make a long post tomorrow night. Also been working on a short story thing I’m gonna post. Don’t know if I can actually call it a story though
There has to be something else. I sit and lie awake here at night waiting for something, hoping for something. For what? I have no idea, but something is missing and it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, like whatever i am currently doing at the moment is not important and just killing time until i finally get to go do "it", whatever "it" is but that time never comes. The days blur together, i remmeber when i was a kid days had a definite separation between them which was night/going to sleep, but now going to sleep is just another thing on a never ending schedule.
I was restless the other night and felt the need to talk to somebody, so i hunted through my phone until i found the number of someone who wouldnt think its weird if i text them out of the blue after years of no contact. i sent them something small and inane as a conversation started but all i got back was the "omg ikr smh so true". i felt sad that she devolved to the point where thats all she can say and decided that there was nothing more to gain from this interaction so i didnt reply, now i just feel kind of dumb.
I have to get up in 3 hours but after this i will have a small break from the daily grind, i will try to work some more on this short "story" thing im writing, im unhappy with it after reading over it several times so im still working on it. i shouldnt put in this much effort because it doesnt matter so long as it makes sense to me and gives me a bit of catharsis, but i still want to share it with at least one other person. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day
its hard to put feelings into words. its hard being alone. most of the time youre ok but some nights it drags you down more than others. you dont want to feel it so you spend the day running away from these feelings, and you run and you run and you run and you run until running is the only thing you know how to do anymore, and then night comes and youre alone again, pacing and waiting and not willing to sleep and trying to distract yourself from these thoughts. everything else feels like youre sitting and waiting and resting until you have the energy to get up and run again in the morning. maybe this time youll outrun those bad feelings and thoughts. you'd like somebody to talk to but nobody hears you. you find somebody who hears you but they dont listen. you finally find somebody who listens but they just tell you to stop talking. and so you stop talking, you try to stop caring, you try to stop thinking and feeling and all you do is run and run and run. its been so long that you dont even know what youre feeling anymore or whats real and whats fake. you cant tell if the you that feels is real or if the you that is unfeeling is real. sometimes you think that youre both and sometimes you think that youre neither. but theres no time to think, you have to go run
im so tired, ive run so far
I have been struggling to come up with a follow on post for 4 months now. i want to say something but i have nothing to say. my passion for anything and everything has all but died out and i am going through the motions, i just want to feel something genuine
thank you, its good to know people are reading this and im not writing in vain. i dont know if i would say that im doing alright but i am here
well actually... to tell you the truth i will be leaving for some time now, so i wont be here much longer. i stopped by here just to give my farewells. i do not know how long ill be gone for, there is a (small) chance i may be able to visit here but i cant say for sure. and.. i wanted to tell you all since i have nobody else to say it to.
I am scared. I am very scared. I pretend not to be but when i am home and alone and by myself i cant help but feel small and powerless and terrified. sometimes i wish i was somebody else so i could be free. i wish i had somebody i could hold and cry into and have them tell me that everything will be all right. but i have nobody, nobody to lean on, nobody to share my worries and fear with. it is all on me and me alone, and that thought in and of itself.. its terrifying
Goodbye everyone, i will try to be back as soon as i can. you all are wonderful people and have been very nice to me, i wish you luck in your endeavors and hope that we can all post together on this comfy little image board again soon
but anon you can't leave, ever, you need to stay here and keep posting forever, bc I love you. This is the nicest and most intimate thing I've ever heard someone share, pls don't stop, I need to get to know you better
come back anon
Don't pressure him, guys.
HEEEEY WHAT'S UP?
Hello again. OP here
Firstly, thank you all for your support. It means the world to me. Noone knows how it good it feels to know that there are people out there reading this and supporting me.I am strong because of my friends here
I have been using azusa as an avatar but i cannot anymore simply because no picture i find can express the amount of anguish i feel. innfact, no picutre in general can express the state i am in right now.
If there are two things i can tell you all, it is that
1. you will never be able to outrun your sins. you must confront them head on if you wish to live
2. you must move forward. to stop is to die. to pause is to die. to waver is to die. there is no choice but forward
you may think this post different from my previous ones, more morbid and to the point. thats because it is. i have no time to waste running circles around the point. i need to thank you all again for your love and support. i would have given up a long time ago if not for you all. i fight for myself and for you. i will see you all at the end, please take care of yourself until then
Here's hoping this won't be your last post.
hello. OP here. I am very sorry for my last post, i had an outburst and wrote all of that on an emotional whim and it is very embarrassing. I would delete it if i could
I'm not doing so well. Every day is a losing battle, never have I had it proven to me so thoroughly what a massive failure I am. It is all I can do to keep a tough face on and when I get home i collapse. I wish I had somebody to hold and to cry into but I can't show that part of me to anyone. There is nothing I can do but prepare for tomorrow's failure as well. I am feeling very small, very scared, and very alone.
If you think this is me whining and crying for attention, its because I am. This is me crying for help, wishing somebody could come down and fix all my troubles because apparently I sure can't. I don't even want my troubles fixed, I want to be far far away from here somewhere where I can be myself and can escape. This is me coming home and falling flat into my bed and trying not to cry into my pillow. This is me sitting in the shower letting the hot water wash over me as I try not to thing about today's blunder. This is me voicing the absolute dread I feel when waking up in the morning and I'm selfishly hoping somebody can come and make me happy and make everything good again to where i dont walk on that edge every single day.
I'm sorry, thats a lot. I am not around much anymore but I think of you as my best friends. I hope everyone is doing well and we can all post together again someday and i can listen to your worries and troubles. Thank you for listening
I'm sorry that you're sorry, and I hope one day we can all post in a better state of mind.
I am so happy to read you again.
>I'm not doing so well. Every day is a losing battle, never have I had it proven to me so thoroughly what a massive failure I am
You are here, that shows that you haven't lost.
Believe me, I've been where you are many times in my life, at least when it comes to despair, depression and suicidal stuff. I still am from now and then. I know for sure that you anon, are one of my best friends. I'll make a banner out of the picture you posted so you're always visible here. I love you anon, please take care.
>This is me crying for help, wishing somebody could come down and fix all my troubles because apparently I sure can't. I don't even want my troubles fixed, I want to be far far away from here somewhere where I can be myself and can escape.
This part hit too close to home. Honestly, all I can do is wish your situation to get better, somehow.
Hello again friends
not much to say right now. I just came here to cry a little. I will post something longer later this week, hopefully. Hope youre all doing well, good night
I am so close friends so close so close so close the end of the dream is in sight the long night will be over. I’m so close I can feel it I can almost see it and taste it I’m so close so dangerously close that it almost makes you want to quit early because you think you’re already there but I can’t stop I can’t stop now. I have to keep going I have to keep climbing I have to keep crawling my way up this god forsaken mountain of mine.
I’m going to do it. I want to do it. I have been so lost and so dejected and crushed and beaten and pushed down and broken but somehow I am still here moving forward. I want to finish, I want to win, I want to prove to everyone and to myself that I’m not a loser. I want to conquer my fears. I want to rise to challenges and eat them. I want to prove that I can do it and that I can win and I can be strong too. Only a little longer. I will see you all on the other side.
Stay safe friends, if all goes well I’ll be home for Christmas
Good idea OP, I'm saying hello
Hope all is well and you're having a merry christmas OP, hang in there!
Hello again everybody, it is OP here. A very important update
I did it. I finally did it everyone. I finally won. We finally won.
I.. I don't even know where to begin. My mind is all over the place. The feeling of relief is indescribable. People talk about a huge weight being lifted off your shoulders but actually its the opposite. You have been so used to standing tall and staying strong for so long that when you finally realize that its over, all the strength leaves your body and you feel heavier than ever. There is nobody there to welcome you, nobody there to hug you and comfort you or cry with you, to welcome you home and share in your pain, soothe you when it gets hard. It is just you, alone, at 2 am in the airport quietly crying to yourself as you realize that its over.
To say that I did this alone would be wrong. I did it with all of your help, all of your support when there was nobody else. And this wasn't just for me, it was all to prove a point.
This is for you Anonymous. I know you can't see it and I know that you can't feel it but this was all for you. Think of every time you have lost in life. Think of every time you have been looked down on, ridiculed, laughed at, every time anybody assumed that you were useless or worthless just because of how you looked or what you were into. I want you, Anonymous, to know that they're wrong. They're wrong, they have always been wrong, and they will always be wrong.
You, Anonymous, are useful.
You, Anonymous, are fun to be around.
You, Anonymous, are strong.
And you, Anonymous, have the ability to get wherever you want in life. You are stronger than you think. You are more capable than you think. You will get there so long as you don't stop. I will be there to catch you when you fall, I will be there to help you back up and get you on your way. It's the least I can do, after all you have done for me.
There will be more hardships along the way, much worse than anything we've seen so far. But if we're together we can get through anything. Merry Christmas /neet/, I'm coming home
Contratulations on your victory, OP! I wish I saw your post on Christmas, so I could say merry christmas.
Time never seems to end, does it? Seconds, minutes, hours, the days fly by. I can't stop it, but if you can then by all means. If only we could get off of this train and spend those neet like days together forever.
There is still a long long long ways to go before i finally rest. I'll do my best to make you all proud of me. I hope youre all doing well, /neet/
that old feeling of fear is coming back.. i thought i was over this. i have nowhere to turn but you, /neet/. will it ever change? will i ever change? i guess deep down, i am still that small scared little kid wanting to be held, to sleep softly and soundly. i will talk to you all again shortly, please wish me luck
>I’ve just forgotten how to talk to my friends, and every time I try I choke up.
I feel you, anon. It's nice that you posted nonetheless. Take your time to heal, anon will be here <3
if by good you mean alive, then yes. don't worry /neet/ im not going to kill myself. its just i have ups and downs and downs and downs. its hard to put how i feel into words, that and i only come here to post when i am at my lowest. i worry sometimes that you all think that all i do is cry about how sad i am which would leads to a "boy who cried wolf" situation. i do cry a lot, i wont go into detail but i promise you /neet/ this isnt just for show. please dont think worse of me or else i truly will have nobody
ive been trying to post here again for two weeks now, but the words just wont flow. instead, i offer you a small excerpt from an ongoing self insert fanfiction i work on from time to time to help relieve stress. i removed any names, but on the off chance that i missed one then admin or mods or whoever has the power please nuke this thread because ill die of embarrassment
i hope everyone is doing well, im glad to talk to you all again. still dreaming of those carefree days we will be able to spend together
Muddy and worn, his gear clanked muffledly as he trodded down the dark streets. Surely nobidy would be awake at this hour, as he made his way through the slumbering village. Nobody to see the weary warrior scrape his way home, nobody to see the complete mess of a man stumble brokenly over himself as he drunkenly sought his house. Nobody to see the pinnacle of a man he pretended to be beaten down and defeated, head hung low and lost in his own thoughts. After what seemed like an entire night of wandering through the dark, he reached a familiar heavy wooden door that felt all but welcoming in the murky gloom. More muscle memory than thought process, he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He stood just inside the threshhold for a moment, taking in the fact that he was now safe. No sooner rustic door swung shut and latched behind him, than he fell back against it and sunk to the ground with a loud and ungraceful thunk. He rested his forearms on top of his knees and sat hunched with his head hanging limply between his leg, letting out a long and exhasperated sigh. There was still much to do before he could finally collapse in his bed and sleep, but "please," he thought. "Just give me a minute to rest". Only a few minutes had passed when he heard noises from within the bowels of the house. Soft footsteps growing louder as they approached. He raised his head and peered into the darkness, hand drifting to the two handed sword strapped to his back. From down the hallway a soft candlelight shone stronger and stronger until it rounded the corner. Right behind it followed the girl holding it, clad in a nightgown that fell just past her hips and covered in a robe hastily thrown on over. She approached the front door slowly, allowing the candle to illuminate the entryway.
"...Anon? Is that you?" she called out, still slowly approaching.
"What are you doing here?" he answered back meekly.
Having confirmed his identity, she strode over to his side where she set the candle down and knelt, bringing her eyes level with his.
"I knew you would be coming back tonight, I wanted to be here when you did," she replied.
"You should have stayed the night there. Being here alone isn't the safest."
"Nonsense, being where you are is the safest," she corrected him. She reached her arms around him and unbuckled his sword, then began to shift his weight onto her as she pulled him up from where he sat.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
She helped him rise to his feet, allowing him to lean on her as he gingerly found his footing. Picking up her source of light, the pair moved deeper into the house.
His cloak and armor now shed and piled lazily in the corner of the room to be cleaned up later, he sat on a stool as the girl sat on the bed.
"Alright, lift your arms."
He raised his arms and the girl pulled his shirt off over his head, stiffening as she braced herself for what she would see. A quick glance over his now exposed midriff and she breathed a sigh of relief.
"Ah, good. No stitches this time," she chirped, audibly more relaxed now that she had confirmed he wasn't injured. He turned around so she could examine his back.
"No stitches here either, have you finally decided to take care of yourself?"
"I had to, or else a certain somebody would have given me even worse scars when i got home," he replied with a slight chuckle.
Unsatisfied with his answer, she frowned, puffing out her cheeks.
"It shouldn't have to take me asking you for you to actually do it!! If I don't look out for you then who will? Honestly, have you thought of what would happen if you didn't come back?"
This only elicited more soft laughter from him as he rocked in his stool.
"Hmph!" she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck from behind, embracing him and burying her face into his back.
"Thank you for listening," she said softly. "I was scared you wouldn't come back. I'm always scared to think that you won't come back."
He leaned his head back and rested it on her.
"I'll always come back for you," he said. As those words hung in the air, the couple fell silent and sat just enjoying each others company.
"Alright!" the girl said, breaking the silence. "Lets get you cleaned up!"
He leaned forward and the girl began to dress the cuts and scrapes on his back, cleaning away any dirt or grime that remained. Although it was the dead of night, she cheerfully talked while she worked, informing him of her work while he was gone or recounting small anecdotes. It was talking without purpose, talking for talking's sake, talking because she was just so happy to see him after so long.
"Ok, im all finished," she said as she secured the last bandage. She pulled out a clean shirt and carefully helped him put it on. "I know you're restless, but try your best not to move around too much or those will rip off."
"Got it," he replied, knowing full well that he had no intention of taking it easy and would most likely have to fix most of the gauze the next day. He pulled his shirt the rest of the way on and turned around to face the girl kneeling on the bed. Smiling, she stretched out her arms and invited him in.
He gratefully accepted, and fell forward off the stool into her arms, burying his face in her. She wrapped her arms around him and gently stroked his hair.
"Thank you," he said, his voice rising up from somewhere around her midrif. "Thank you for being here, I wanted to see you so badly. All I could think about every day was coming home and seeing you"
She said nothing, just nodded and continued to hold him, conveying her feelings towards him.
"I.. it.. I hated..." he began, not knowing where to begin or what he was trying to say.
"Was it hard?" she asked.
"....yeah. It was hard. It was really really hard." She sat on the bed as the man half sat on the stool half laid on the bed with his arms around her, face still buried into her soft body.
"Did you do well?" she asked.
"I.. everybody said, that I did well. That I've been doing a good job. That I'm the best. But.. I don't feel proud. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like the best," he replied, wrapping his arms more tightly around her with every word, burying his face deeper as if he was trying to escape.
"I feel awful. I feel horrible every time we go out, I dread it, I feel it in my core. But, I can't let them see that. I can't let them see how weak I really am." Tears began to roll down his cheek.
"Everybody thinks I'm somebody I'm not. Everybody is expecting me to be strong. And I have to. I have to be there for them, I have to be the strength for everyone. Everything is resting on me and if I don't bear that load or if I break then it'll all come down. It hurts. It hurts so much, to have everyone dump their weight on you. To have to save everybody. I want to scream, I want to stop, I want to run away, but I can't. I can't do it because then everyone will hurt, every one will suffer, everyone but me."
The tears flowed now, and his voice became louder and more erratic. She continued to sit and hold him, stroking his hair and letting him pour out his troubles onto her.
"I'm living a lie. Whoever I am out there, its not me. Its the only way to survive. I'm not sleeping anymore, I'm not feeling anymore, I'm not happy anymore. I don't know who I am most of the day. Nothing feels real. I feel so weak, I come home and I feel so weak (her name), I feel like if I take another step I'll break down."
"I know. I know. I know it hurts," she whispered to him.
"You've done so much. And you've come so far. I know you think nobody sees you, or knows you." She held him, gently, not tightly, doing her best to console him and give meaning to her words as she bent down and whispered into his ear.
"I know you. I see you. I see every day how hard you work, how dedicated you are. I see how kind you can be and how much you love life. I see all the effort put in and how much you sacrifice. I can even see things you can't see, I can see just how strong you are. I see how strong you are, and even if you go on thinking that you aren't strong I want you to know that I think you're strong. I want you to know that even if everybody else can't, that I can see you. And that I know you. And all of this is why I will always love you."
Hey OP, so this is the more detailed post.
>its just i have ups and downs and downs and downs.
Feeling you. Sometimes, things need time i guess. Depression is a bitch. Sorry anon, I'm still lost in the depths of apathy but you should know that you're not forgotten.