this is such a small corner of the internet, im thinking about making a thread here to be my personal blog because writing things down in my diary just isnt doing it for me anymore
He’s never coming back, is he?
I'll start at some point.. now is good I guess. i dont write every day, usually only when the feeling hits me.
today has been alright, I'm going to try to sleep at a reasonable time. I've fallen into this horrible habit of staying up until early morning, then sleeping all day. I used to get up early because I like to fit as much as I can into a day. Its the same reason why I have such a hard time falling asleep, im always thinking "have I fit in as much as I can into today? Did i waste too much time? Could I be doing more" and at that point sleeping becomes a massive waste of time that would be better spent doing anything else. I dont even have anything pressing or important to do, I'm just too anxious to lay there and fall asleep. I set an alarm for an hour or two later so I can get back up and be productive but I'll sleep through it and wake up at noon, and then realizing that I've wasted half the day I'll stay up late again. Need to break this cycle soon, because its starting to affect my eating habits as well and lately I've had a constant headache. I think this is a side effect of my main problem of having a lack of purpose; I do everything trying to find something fulfilling and am still dissatisfied and empty in the end, anxiety and indecision bubbling up within me
Oh well, maybe a good nights sleep will help calm me down
on second thought maybe i wont make this my personal blog, i get nervous about releasing too much information about myself online. this really just highlights my indecisiveness
Still here. Still awake. Thinkin a lot, maybe gonna make a long post tomorrow night. Also been working on a short story thing I’m gonna post. Don’t know if I can actually call it a story though
There has to be something else. I sit and lie awake here at night waiting for something, hoping for something. For what? I have no idea, but something is missing and it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, like whatever i am currently doing at the moment is not important and just killing time until i finally get to go do "it", whatever "it" is but that time never comes. The days blur together, i remmeber when i was a kid days had a definite separation between them which was night/going to sleep, but now going to sleep is just another thing on a never ending schedule.
I was restless the other night and felt the need to talk to somebody, so i hunted through my phone until i found the number of someone who wouldnt think its weird if i text them out of the blue after years of no contact. i sent them something small and inane as a conversation started but all i got back was the "omg ikr smh so true". i felt sad that she devolved to the point where thats all she can say and decided that there was nothing more to gain from this interaction so i didnt reply, now i just feel kind of dumb.
I have to get up in 3 hours but after this i will have a small break from the daily grind, i will try to work some more on this short "story" thing im writing, im unhappy with it after reading over it several times so im still working on it. i shouldnt put in this much effort because it doesnt matter so long as it makes sense to me and gives me a bit of catharsis, but i still want to share it with at least one other person. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day
its hard to put feelings into words. its hard being alone. most of the time youre ok but some nights it drags you down more than others. you dont want to feel it so you spend the day running away from these feelings, and you run and you run and you run and you run until running is the only thing you know how to do anymore, and then night comes and youre alone again, pacing and waiting and not willing to sleep and trying to distract yourself from these thoughts. everything else feels like youre sitting and waiting and resting until you have the energy to get up and run again in the morning. maybe this time youll outrun those bad feelings and thoughts. you'd like somebody to talk to but nobody hears you. you find somebody who hears you but they dont listen. you finally find somebody who listens but they just tell you to stop talking. and so you stop talking, you try to stop caring, you try to stop thinking and feeling and all you do is run and run and run. its been so long that you dont even know what youre feeling anymore or whats real and whats fake. you cant tell if the you that feels is real or if the you that is unfeeling is real. sometimes you think that youre both and sometimes you think that youre neither. but theres no time to think, you have to go run
im so tired, ive run so far
I have been struggling to come up with a follow on post for 4 months now. i want to say something but i have nothing to say. my passion for anything and everything has all but died out and i am going through the motions, i just want to feel something genuine
thank you, its good to know people are reading this and im not writing in vain. i dont know if i would say that im doing alright but i am here
well actually... to tell you the truth i will be leaving for some time now, so i wont be here much longer. i stopped by here just to give my farewells. i do not know how long ill be gone for, there is a (small) chance i may be able to visit here but i cant say for sure. and.. i wanted to tell you all since i have nobody else to say it to.
I am scared. I am very scared. I pretend not to be but when i am home and alone and by myself i cant help but feel small and powerless and terrified. sometimes i wish i was somebody else so i could be free. i wish i had somebody i could hold and cry into and have them tell me that everything will be all right. but i have nobody, nobody to lean on, nobody to share my worries and fear with. it is all on me and me alone, and that thought in and of itself.. its terrifying
Goodbye everyone, i will try to be back as soon as i can. you all are wonderful people and have been very nice to me, i wish you luck in your endeavors and hope that we can all post together on this comfy little image board again soon
but anon you can't leave, ever, you need to stay here and keep posting forever, bc I love you. This is the nicest and most intimate thing I've ever heard someone share, pls don't stop, I need to get to know you better
come back anon
Don't pressure him, guys.
HEEEEY WHAT'S UP?
Hello again. OP here
Firstly, thank you all for your support. It means the world to me. Noone knows how it good it feels to know that there are people out there reading this and supporting me.I am strong because of my friends here
I have been using azusa as an avatar but i cannot anymore simply because no picture i find can express the amount of anguish i feel. innfact, no picutre in general can express the state i am in right now.
If there are two things i can tell you all, it is that
1. you will never be able to outrun your sins. you must confront them head on if you wish to live
2. you must move forward. to stop is to die. to pause is to die. to waver is to die. there is no choice but forward
you may think this post different from my previous ones, more morbid and to the point. thats because it is. i have no time to waste running circles around the point. i need to thank you all again for your love and support. i would have given up a long time ago if not for you all. i fight for myself and for you. i will see you all at the end, please take care of yourself until then
Here's hoping this won't be your last post.
hello. OP here. I am very sorry for my last post, i had an outburst and wrote all of that on an emotional whim and it is very embarrassing. I would delete it if i could
I'm not doing so well. Every day is a losing battle, never have I had it proven to me so thoroughly what a massive failure I am. It is all I can do to keep a tough face on and when I get home i collapse. I wish I had somebody to hold and to cry into but I can't show that part of me to anyone. There is nothing I can do but prepare for tomorrow's failure as well. I am feeling very small, very scared, and very alone.
If you think this is me whining and crying for attention, its because I am. This is me crying for help, wishing somebody could come down and fix all my troubles because apparently I sure can't. I don't even want my troubles fixed, I want to be far far away from here somewhere where I can be myself and can escape. This is me coming home and falling flat into my bed and trying not to cry into my pillow. This is me sitting in the shower letting the hot water wash over me as I try not to thing about today's blunder. This is me voicing the absolute dread I feel when waking up in the morning and I'm selfishly hoping somebody can come and make me happy and make everything good again to where i dont walk on that edge every single day.
I'm sorry, thats a lot. I am not around much anymore but I think of you as my best friends. I hope everyone is doing well and we can all post together again someday and i can listen to your worries and troubles. Thank you for listening
I'm sorry that you're sorry, and I hope one day we can all post in a better state of mind.
I am so happy to read you again.
>I'm not doing so well. Every day is a losing battle, never have I had it proven to me so thoroughly what a massive failure I am
You are here, that shows that you haven't lost.
Believe me, I've been where you are many times in my life, at least when it comes to despair, depression and suicidal stuff. I still am from now and then. I know for sure that you anon, are one of my best friends. I'll make a banner out of the picture you posted so you're always visible here. I love you anon, please take care.
>This is me crying for help, wishing somebody could come down and fix all my troubles because apparently I sure can't. I don't even want my troubles fixed, I want to be far far away from here somewhere where I can be myself and can escape.
This part hit too close to home. Honestly, all I can do is wish your situation to get better, somehow.