this is such a small corner of the internet, im thinking about making a thread here to be my personal blog because writing things down in my diary just isnt doing it for me anymore
He’s never coming back, is he?
I'll start at some point.. now is good I guess. i dont write every day, usually only when the feeling hits me.
today has been alright, I'm going to try to sleep at a reasonable time. I've fallen into this horrible habit of staying up until early morning, then sleeping all day. I used to get up early because I like to fit as much as I can into a day. Its the same reason why I have such a hard time falling asleep, im always thinking "have I fit in as much as I can into today? Did i waste too much time? Could I be doing more" and at that point sleeping becomes a massive waste of time that would be better spent doing anything else. I dont even have anything pressing or important to do, I'm just too anxious to lay there and fall asleep. I set an alarm for an hour or two later so I can get back up and be productive but I'll sleep through it and wake up at noon, and then realizing that I've wasted half the day I'll stay up late again. Need to break this cycle soon, because its starting to affect my eating habits as well and lately I've had a constant headache. I think this is a side effect of my main problem of having a lack of purpose; I do everything trying to find something fulfilling and am still dissatisfied and empty in the end, anxiety and indecision bubbling up within me
Oh well, maybe a good nights sleep will help calm me down
on second thought maybe i wont make this my personal blog, i get nervous about releasing too much information about myself online. this really just highlights my indecisiveness
Still here. Still awake. Thinkin a lot, maybe gonna make a long post tomorrow night. Also been working on a short story thing I’m gonna post. Don’t know if I can actually call it a story though
There has to be something else. I sit and lie awake here at night waiting for something, hoping for something. For what? I have no idea, but something is missing and it leaves me feeling unsatisfied, like whatever i am currently doing at the moment is not important and just killing time until i finally get to go do "it", whatever "it" is but that time never comes. The days blur together, i remmeber when i was a kid days had a definite separation between them which was night/going to sleep, but now going to sleep is just another thing on a never ending schedule.
I was restless the other night and felt the need to talk to somebody, so i hunted through my phone until i found the number of someone who wouldnt think its weird if i text them out of the blue after years of no contact. i sent them something small and inane as a conversation started but all i got back was the "omg ikr smh so true". i felt sad that she devolved to the point where thats all she can say and decided that there was nothing more to gain from this interaction so i didnt reply, now i just feel kind of dumb.
I have to get up in 3 hours but after this i will have a small break from the daily grind, i will try to work some more on this short "story" thing im writing, im unhappy with it after reading over it several times so im still working on it. i shouldnt put in this much effort because it doesnt matter so long as it makes sense to me and gives me a bit of catharsis, but i still want to share it with at least one other person. hopefully tomorrow will be a good day
its hard to put feelings into words. its hard being alone. most of the time youre ok but some nights it drags you down more than others. you dont want to feel it so you spend the day running away from these feelings, and you run and you run and you run and you run until running is the only thing you know how to do anymore, and then night comes and youre alone again, pacing and waiting and not willing to sleep and trying to distract yourself from these thoughts. everything else feels like youre sitting and waiting and resting until you have the energy to get up and run again in the morning. maybe this time youll outrun those bad feelings and thoughts. you'd like somebody to talk to but nobody hears you. you find somebody who hears you but they dont listen. you finally find somebody who listens but they just tell you to stop talking. and so you stop talking, you try to stop caring, you try to stop thinking and feeling and all you do is run and run and run. its been so long that you dont even know what youre feeling anymore or whats real and whats fake. you cant tell if the you that feels is real or if the you that is unfeeling is real. sometimes you think that youre both and sometimes you think that youre neither. but theres no time to think, you have to go run
im so tired, ive run so far