Seeing people being kind online or in general just makes me feel weird. I'm not sure if I like it. I think I dislike how it gives me hope that people aren't entirely terrible, which sets me up to get disappointed. I'd rather just be convinced all humans are monsters, and then i'd have no reason to ever go near them and I could just let go of my hopes.
Well, thanks anyway, anon.
It's like whenever I see people being kind, i'm thinking that those same people who show kindness to one person, might turn around and show coldness to somebody else who might needs the kindness just as much. So I can't help seeing in all kindness that the person behind it might be two-faced.
I can't be the only one who thinks that way, right?
Sorry, i'm just thinking aloud as usual. Really, there's nothing wrong with being kind.
>>12680
>those same people who show kindness to one person, might turn around and show coldness to somebody else who might needs the kindness just as much
Well those people aren't kind then. There are kind people, trust me, anon. They're rare but they exist. You'll find them and sometimes they find you.
>>12682
>There are kind people
>You'll find them and sometimes they find you.
Yeah, I know... I had first-hand experience of that. I pushed someone like that away. But another thing is that if those kind people really exist, then why does it feel like they're never there to speak up when they're actually needed the most? In every echo chamber of hatred and vitrail, or whenever somebody is being bullied or harassed, or whatever, or when somebody is isolated or suffering alone... Nobody ever speaks up, or offers the victim a hand. Where are the kind people, then, when they'd be the most valuable? From that perspective, of having been wronged in the past, or continuingly in the present, and nobody ever having spoken up, encountering kindness can feel like an insult. It isn't rational, but it invokes feelings like "If people like that really exist, then where were they back then? Why did nobody help me until now?" and stuff like that. Disbelief. It can feel wrong. In a world as traumatic as this one, it can be a very hard thing to reconcile. It forces you to open yourself up to kindness, when you've been convinced you had to hide to protect yourself your whole life. Which can almost be more painful than just believing kindness doesn't exist. Sorry, I don't have a point or anything. I'm just rambling.
Morgana (pic related) would certainly know a thing or two about what i'm talking about...
>>12692
>then why does it feel like they're never there to speak up when they're actually needed the most?
>In every echo chamber of hatred and vitrail, or whenever somebody is being bullied or harassed, or whatever, or when somebody is isolated or suffering alone... Nobody ever speaks up
In order to keep their sanity and avoid becoming like the others they tend to retreat from such communities most of the time. It only makes sense, especially since you can't truly be kind to everyone in the world. If you have your hands full with people you care about already it's too much to stick around in unfriendly places never being able to give full effort for someone and being ineffective and seen as "fake" because they are unable to be there for them.
>>13046
It was all online, of course. She was a suicidal friendless hikki who asked to be friends with me, and probably the nicest person i've ever met. Anime-tier kindness. She honestly acted like a fangirl of me sometimes... And an antinatalist, which was pretty important to me, because it was an indication that she's not fucking retarded like most people. By now she's probably killed herself. Anyway, I have some sort of trait where if I interact with someone, then i'll feel distracted and anxious for at least a day after, but usually longer. Because of that, having a friend was extremely taxing. Really, all she did was show me kindness and we had alot of things in common in regards to how we viewed existence like thinking that suicide isn't bad and that life should go extinct and blablabla. She was fun to talk to. But i'm so mentally fragile that I couldn't even cope with friendship, despite all that. She said she wanted us to stay friends until she killed herself, but I quickly realized that being alone was better for me than the dissonance that interaction brought me. It brought me dopamine, but why did dopamine matter? I still felt as dysphoric and empty as ever. No friendship, or even all the kindness in the world would ever be enough for me. So I said I wanted to go back to being alone. I still don't really understand what friendship or social interaction means to me... I'm expressing things through an imageboard right now, and a large part of me regrets it and thinks it's stupid. I'm obviously wasting my time. Who cares what I have to say, or what other people have to say about what I say? Who cares about saying anything? It doesn't lead anywhere. It doesn't achieve anything. Why should we connect to anyone at all? Why should we expose and muddy ourselves in the wretched social waters?
I don't know, but I keep doing it.
>If not we're still here for you
thank you.
>>13069
the only times i've enjoyed myself on the internet are when i know the associations i make are temporary. thus is life..,
You people are fucking disgusting comfy, incels.
Have sex with women your own age.
I feel horrible. This pain is never going to stop.
I honestly wish all you guys the worst!!